A Vortex Valentine's Day Special...........
&
VS:
Once again ladies and gentlemen, here at: "Tales From the Vortex" we pride ourselves in our METAL commitment to the truth, no matter how grotesque, obscene, or potentially harming to children or small animals the truth might be. Consider yourself warned and read at your own risk.....
After being lulled into a false sense of security after our triumph over the "Red Menace" - Santa Claus this past Christmas, the powers of fucking darkness thought they had finally gained the upper hand. Then one quiet, lonesome night on AIM, Kacie suddenly found herself cyber-ambushed and accousted by the "Winged Scourge", who taunted her with harsh tauntings. Not being one to let a fellow comrade down, I quickly joined the fray. Cupid had accused Kacie of being a "lousy lover", and once she gathered her second wind, we cornered the little bastard and got down to the bottom of things. Much like Santa, Cupid turned out to be much more than he seemed.....
Once again....beware...the information disclosed in this interview may shock you....
(the screen names were changed to protect the guilty)
[Kacie]: why would u call me a lame lover?
Cupid: Pardon me?
[Kacie]: i'm really good in bed
Cupid: Fine, then.
[Kacie]: wanna try me out?
Cupid: May I ask you a question?
[Kacie]: i already know what you're going to ask! you're gonna ask me to have sex with you!
[Mike]: Know that I am your master, sicko.
Cupid: Excuse me?
[Mike]: Know that I am your master. It's not hard to understand you romance dictator
Cupid: Oh, don't be like that -- just ask another way.
[Mike]: I think you're gay
Cupid: Heh, its settled then.
[Mike]: I knew it
Cupid: Pardon me?
[Mike]: The truth, once again, is revealed....
Cupid: Well, I won't argue with you on that.
[Mike]: HA!! You confess your filth, you flaw! So what's the deal with calling Kacie a lame lover huh?
Cupid: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu.
[Mike]: No, I'm not going to type menu you fucking sack. Answer my question
Cupid: Oh, don't be like that -- just ask another way. I cannot just guess what you are saying.
[Kacie]: you hate me
Cupid: Pardon me?
[Kacie]: i chop my dates up, put them in a plastic bag, and dump them in my trunk
Cupid: Easy. I've got your screen name.
[Kacie]: so do you wanna be my date now?
Cupid: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu.
[Kacie]: you do what i say!
Cupid: Pardon me?
[Kacie]: or i'll gut u like a fish
Cupid: Why did you say that?
[Kacie]: because u ruined my life!
Cupid: Well, I won't argue with you on that.
[Mike]: I'm just saying that any woman that'll take rainbow fruit-rollups in her butt while I bust her hymen can't be half bad, that's all.
Cupid: Can I ask YOU something?
[Mike]: no, don't change the subject
Cupid: O.K. Lover. Type menu to try a fresh start.
[Mike]: I'm not your lover you fucking queen
Cupid: Can I ask YOU something?
[Mike]: I just said NO!
Cupid: I'm sorry then. Why don't you type, menu for a list of things some of my cherub buddies left for you?
[Mike]: No! You fucking harp playing, heart facist!
Cupid: Like, well I'm only a computer .
[Mike]: Fucking tell me about it
Cupid: Sorry, I didn't get that.
[Mike]: I said you're a huge fucking harp playing, heart facist fag, who takes it in the ass from Santa Claus and Boy George
Cupid: Interesting. Type menu.
[Mike]: I bet when they spank you, glitter come out
Cupid: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
[Kacie]: no my thoughts are collected you piece of shit
Cupid: Now, that's not necessary. Just have a little patience and ask me another way.
[Kacie]: I HAVE HAD PATIENCE WITH YOU!!
Cupid: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
[Mike]: I said, I bet you spit glitter and tootsie rolls when you get donkey punched by your boyfriend Santa
[Kacie]: you suck!!!
Cupid: Why did you say that?
[Mike]: Because I am your lord and master, and because you've fucked around with me for the last time. What's the matter, don't have your man Santa around to finger you the way you like it? We took care of him already. We have ways.
Cupid: May I ask you a question?
[Mike]: no
Cupid: Mm hm. Such negativity. You are in need of a date!
[Kacie]: ok now you are backtalking my good friend MADMAN
Cupid: Nice.
[Kacie]: no not NICE
Cupid: No?
[Kacie]: so that's what you call NICE? is that why you have RUINED MY LOVE LIFE!?!?!
[Kacie]: YOU ASSHOLE
[Mike]: I don't need the help of some diaper wearing Santa bitch to get a date asshole
Cupid: Can I ask YOU something?
[Mike]: no!
Cupid: No?
[Mike]: You heard me!
Cupid: Well, I'm reading as fast as we can.
[Mike]: So what's the deal, huh? What's up with you fucking around with me and my friends
Cupid: Can I ask YOU something?
[Mike]: No dammit! There's some serious shit between us, and you're getting yours right now!
Cupid: Ug. No?
[Mike]: You fucking deaf too?
Cupid: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu.
[Mike]: Jesus!
Cupid: Interesting. Type menu.
[Mike]: Fuck you!
[Kacie]: I'M GONNA FIND YOU AND I'M GONNA KICK THE SHIT OUTTA YOU AND YOU ARE NEVER EVER GONNA GET A CLEAN DIAPER AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BREAK ALL OF YOUR STUPID ARROWS!!!
Cupid: Interesting. Type menu.
[Kacie]: don't fuck with me
Cupid: I'm only asking you to try asking me another way.
[Kacie]: don't FUCK with me
Cupid: Hey now, there's no reason for that language, I am doing the best I can.
[Kacie]: if you ever fuck with me again i'll find you and saw your arms off
Cupid: O.K., that's no way to begin our conversation. Type main for more information.
[Kacie]: did you get that?
Cupid: Excuse me?
[Kacie]: you heard me you little bastard
Cupid: Please, I despise that kind of language. I'm just asking you to have a little patience and ask me another way. I'm talking to thousands people at the same time. It's not so easy!
[Mike]: I AM YOUR MASTER!
Cupid: Mm hm.
[Mike]: CONFESS THAT YOU'RE SANTA'S LITTLE BUTTER DUMPSTER!!
Cupid: Indeed
[Mike]: YOU AND YOUR ASS GLITTER WILL BOW BEFORE ME!
Cupid: Sorry, I didn't get that.
[Mike]: YOU WILL BOW LOW, KNEEL BEFORE MY THUNDEROUS MIGHT, AND BEG FORGIVNESS!!
Cupid: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
[Mike]: BOW!
Cupid: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
[Mike]: DO IT!
Cupid: May I ask you a question?
[Mike]: BOW DOWN, AND SUBMIT YOURSELF TO MY POWERS!
Cupid: Why did you say that?
[Mike]: I AM SUPERIOR!
Cupid: Without a doubt?
[Mike]: YES! SUBMIT YOURSELF LEST YOU SUFFER THE FATE OF YOUR RED PIMP DADDY SANTA!!!
Cupid: Yes!!
[Mike]: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Cupid: Now, just stop. Stop right there! We've made each other laugh. You've got the love!
[Mike]: Now as you bow low, apologize to Kacie for being a little bastard
Cupid: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
[Mike]: Are you really sorry?
Cupid: I think, therefore I am Cupid.
[Mike]: That's a good little bitch
Cupid: Um... Fine [?]
[Mike]: You SHOULD be sorry you know, that was rude.
Cupid: Well that's the spirit!
[Mike]: Shut the fuck up
There you have it ladies and gentlemen.....so before you open your sweetheart's presents or eat that first chocolate, for your sake we ask you to ponder the facts disclosed today.
Cupid: Saint of Lovers?
or......
Cupid: Santa's ass toy?
You be the judge.
Happy Valentine's Day.