(no subject)
why is the thing that was supposed to save me from misery causing me misery? this is God, this is -faith-, this..is truth? i want it to be truth... i once in my darkest of days devoted myself to something. took a breath and gave it all over... applied it to my life, my every day life. i applied it to my fashion, i wore my crosses. i applied it to my thought, i just wanted to help people. i applied it then to my thinking, and my thinking tuned into actions and i found myself throwing away things that had previously sculpted me in any way. i took on religion and threw everything else away. i threw everything else away. because i dont take things on lightly... i am passionate and i am pure. I devoted myself to God, when i didn't understand what that meant, but the more i learned.... the more i loved... and the more i felt love... so it was a good thing, for a time.
until it stopped. until something within me woke up one bright sunday morning and blossomed gently in my heart, mind and soul. and instantly i was stuck with fear at it.
' this? no this cant be right? this isn't mine, you must have misplaced this...God?....God?... you don't understand, this is wrong, right? i dont want this, i dont want this...' later... ' i cant help it God, why am i thinking, feeling this way? its wrong, right? please take it away... i dont want it, i dont want it... God? ...Jesus?....'
I tried so hard to not change. to not grow. but it had to happen. it was a metamorphosis that had to happen and i did not want it to happen, i wanted to stay safe... but suddenly i was exposed and vurnerable and different and when i called out.... no one answered. i tried and i stayed faithful for a very long time... until all of the pain and the divine fear made me cold... God had left, then so did I...
And over these years i tried to numb myself to it but every once and a while i would try and draw near again, like knocking on a door.. 'are you there? is now a good time...ok, maybe later...?' and i would walk away ashamed and hurt and cover it up by smiling constantly and living dangerously as i could. when asked about God i speak of Him as if he were an ex... first im bitter, hateful...but give me just a moment and you see the truth... i wonder, does He think about me? does He remember that one time?..if i called Him, would he answer? Did i do something wrong, why did this end?
I am hurt and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. this has festered for so long... i just dont understand where i could have gone wrong. and it really ticks me off when some punk who is only a christian because his parents told him tells me that IM going to hell for being a homosexual and thinks its such a simple desicion to make! i want to show him my scars from this whole experience. this was no choice, if anything i was choosen. but i wonder, if it hadnt of happened, would i feel this same way about God? would that distance have happened? would i be dating that 'christian' punk? but why even think that way....
it is who i am. and i know that, that wont change. that doesnt go away, doesnt fade and it is something i have accepted within myself though it took a long time. So i am a proud lesbian who longs for that connection with God that she once knew. and it's personal, and i dont talk about it because it only brings me more judgement than i need. so i will just bury it, like i do... and soon walk up to that sacred place again and knock... all i can do is keep trying.
until it stopped. until something within me woke up one bright sunday morning and blossomed gently in my heart, mind and soul. and instantly i was stuck with fear at it.
' this? no this cant be right? this isn't mine, you must have misplaced this...God?....God?... you don't understand, this is wrong, right? i dont want this, i dont want this...' later... ' i cant help it God, why am i thinking, feeling this way? its wrong, right? please take it away... i dont want it, i dont want it... God? ...Jesus?....'
I tried so hard to not change. to not grow. but it had to happen. it was a metamorphosis that had to happen and i did not want it to happen, i wanted to stay safe... but suddenly i was exposed and vurnerable and different and when i called out.... no one answered. i tried and i stayed faithful for a very long time... until all of the pain and the divine fear made me cold... God had left, then so did I...
And over these years i tried to numb myself to it but every once and a while i would try and draw near again, like knocking on a door.. 'are you there? is now a good time...ok, maybe later...?' and i would walk away ashamed and hurt and cover it up by smiling constantly and living dangerously as i could. when asked about God i speak of Him as if he were an ex... first im bitter, hateful...but give me just a moment and you see the truth... i wonder, does He think about me? does He remember that one time?..if i called Him, would he answer? Did i do something wrong, why did this end?
I am hurt and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. this has festered for so long... i just dont understand where i could have gone wrong. and it really ticks me off when some punk who is only a christian because his parents told him tells me that IM going to hell for being a homosexual and thinks its such a simple desicion to make! i want to show him my scars from this whole experience. this was no choice, if anything i was choosen. but i wonder, if it hadnt of happened, would i feel this same way about God? would that distance have happened? would i be dating that 'christian' punk? but why even think that way....
it is who i am. and i know that, that wont change. that doesnt go away, doesnt fade and it is something i have accepted within myself though it took a long time. So i am a proud lesbian who longs for that connection with God that she once knew. and it's personal, and i dont talk about it because it only brings me more judgement than i need. so i will just bury it, like i do... and soon walk up to that sacred place again and knock... all i can do is keep trying.