Lost...
Lost. That's how I feel when it comes to my 'relationship' with him. I'm lost when it comes to every day interaction with him. I'm lost when it comes to how he feels about our situation. I'm just lost...
We've been doing this off and on for a whole year now. We hang out, get fucked up, exchange knowing glances all night, and when it's time to 'sleep', he's practically begging for it. So, if he supposedly wants it so damn badly, why the fuck is he so ashamed of it?
He won't admit it to anyone. When people ask, I'm just another one night mistake... but we've been through way more than one night... as for the mistake part, I think that falls more on my head than his.
It's a mistake that I continue things, that I give in and give him what he wants... but when I look into his eyes, I can't say no.
Those months where we went back to just friends was great. I was finally able to be around him and not want to jump his bones everytime I saw him. It was finally getting to the way it used to be when we met... but a couple weeks ago, a back massage turned into more. Why do I give in? I don't know. All I do know, is that I'm back to square one... thinking about him constantly, wanting him... Now, don't get me wrong, my feelings for him aren't exactly romantic... It is purely sexual, but he makes my stomach flutter and I can't help it.
I may have lost my virginity to Chris, but sex with him really didn't count in my mind. 2 minutes of me laying there, watching Monica peek in through the door, while he pathetically attempts to please me... does not count as sex to me.
And with that, in my heart, he is the only one I can consider a true partner...
So, you can see why I'm confused... why I'm attached... why I'm fucking lost.
So, it is my mistake. That I keep giving into someone that doesn't want me. Someone that isn't attracted to me. And someone who is using me.
I am a fucking idiot.
We've been doing this off and on for a whole year now. We hang out, get fucked up, exchange knowing glances all night, and when it's time to 'sleep', he's practically begging for it. So, if he supposedly wants it so damn badly, why the fuck is he so ashamed of it?
He won't admit it to anyone. When people ask, I'm just another one night mistake... but we've been through way more than one night... as for the mistake part, I think that falls more on my head than his.
It's a mistake that I continue things, that I give in and give him what he wants... but when I look into his eyes, I can't say no.
Those months where we went back to just friends was great. I was finally able to be around him and not want to jump his bones everytime I saw him. It was finally getting to the way it used to be when we met... but a couple weeks ago, a back massage turned into more. Why do I give in? I don't know. All I do know, is that I'm back to square one... thinking about him constantly, wanting him... Now, don't get me wrong, my feelings for him aren't exactly romantic... It is purely sexual, but he makes my stomach flutter and I can't help it.
I may have lost my virginity to Chris, but sex with him really didn't count in my mind. 2 minutes of me laying there, watching Monica peek in through the door, while he pathetically attempts to please me... does not count as sex to me.
And with that, in my heart, he is the only one I can consider a true partner...
So, you can see why I'm confused... why I'm attached... why I'm fucking lost.
So, it is my mistake. That I keep giving into someone that doesn't want me. Someone that isn't attracted to me. And someone who is using me.
I am a fucking idiot.