I just find myself coming back to you, Livejournal, you saucy minx.
I haven't updated in 30 weeks...that's a decently long time. I still have no idea where I'm at or what I'm doing...self-sabotaging is the word that comes to mind, except I'm getting better. Went through a rough patch, as everyone always does, recovered, as most do, and am living. I'm trying to figure out where my desires fit in the grand spectrum of my life. It's one thing to see a new car and go "I want that to be mine" and another thing to make the sacrifices and changes necessary to make it yours. I can't stand school--I think it's time for a break. But who knows, maybe summer break will be enough--but if it isn't how boned am I? Im probably going to fail at least one class this semester though. I just...don't care.
Then there's the whole "wanting to change and be a better person" thing...which I think I need to do completely separate from school. I've always done my best work on my own, or when I felt that I was on my own. So will I actually do what I know I HAVE to do? ....I think so, yes. Strangely enough, my obsessive Buffy-watching will probably help me in my endeavor.
I have opportunities...avenues that will seemingly make me feel better--people think that I'm lonely, and that finding someone will make me all better. I've already played that game, and I came out of it worse for wear. Sometimes all I need is the reminder than I can--and that I choose not to. I'm better on my own, for now, and...the next time I am with someone, I want them to be...special, not just the first person who comes around. I want to be so entraced or eraptured that my heart feels like it's going to burst. ...dunno if that'll ever happen, but i'd rather be alone and wait for it forever than settle and feel that uncomfortable feeling i get in my chest.
But beyond that I have to be something that she [should she exist] would want...and right now I'm no good for anybody not even myself. Im jobless, aimless, lazy, unfocused, and potentially a college drop out. That invincible feeling that came with being a teenager is definitely gone now...and all around me things are changing, and even though I'm changing too, I feel like I'm not keeping up.
I have Maxwell, and Joe though...and they are invaluable. I trust them more than anyone else in the world.
But I've gotta change...I've got to become what I'm meant to...I know I'm going to be okay, great even, but it's going to take time and Im not at all patient.
Then there's the whole "wanting to change and be a better person" thing...which I think I need to do completely separate from school. I've always done my best work on my own, or when I felt that I was on my own. So will I actually do what I know I HAVE to do? ....I think so, yes. Strangely enough, my obsessive Buffy-watching will probably help me in my endeavor.
I have opportunities...avenues that will seemingly make me feel better--people think that I'm lonely, and that finding someone will make me all better. I've already played that game, and I came out of it worse for wear. Sometimes all I need is the reminder than I can--and that I choose not to. I'm better on my own, for now, and...the next time I am with someone, I want them to be...special, not just the first person who comes around. I want to be so entraced or eraptured that my heart feels like it's going to burst. ...dunno if that'll ever happen, but i'd rather be alone and wait for it forever than settle and feel that uncomfortable feeling i get in my chest.
But beyond that I have to be something that she [should she exist] would want...and right now I'm no good for anybody not even myself. Im jobless, aimless, lazy, unfocused, and potentially a college drop out. That invincible feeling that came with being a teenager is definitely gone now...and all around me things are changing, and even though I'm changing too, I feel like I'm not keeping up.
I have Maxwell, and Joe though...and they are invaluable. I trust them more than anyone else in the world.
But I've gotta change...I've got to become what I'm meant to...I know I'm going to be okay, great even, but it's going to take time and Im not at all patient.