Fic: All is Lost (1/?)
Title: All is Lost
Author: thelightheat
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Will/Emma
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Spoiler Disclaimer: None!
Summary: Will expects a bright future, not for it to all come crashing down
Notes: I had a dream the other night about this and for some reason, I needed to write it.
Tissues will be needed
Will held her hand as they maneuvered through traffic.
“Honey, just breathe ok?” She tightened her grip on his hand making him wince. “Easy for you to say.”
He would have laughed if his hand didn’t hurt so much. The lights all seemed to turn green as he approached and in record time they were at the hospital. He released his grip and quickly went around the car to open the door to help her out finding a man already running towards him with a wheelchair.
“Thought you could use this.” They both helped Emma into the seat as she groaned and yelped a bit at the change in position.
“Ok, let’s go!” He closed the door and started to walk with the two of them when she looked back at him.
“Will you have to get the bags and move the car!” She was angry and he stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh geez.” He rushed back to the car and in record time parked in the garage having to pay too much to park it there. He reached into the backseat and pulled out the two small bags, one for Emma and one filled with things for the little one. He quickly took a moment to breathe before he got out of the car, knowing that his life was going to change in mere hours.
When he approached the front desk, he was quickly escorted to her room, finding her getting set up with tubes and monitors. She looked scared.
Quickly he went to her side and helped to alleviate her fears. “Remember this is what the doctors said, all normal procedure. Just keep breathing ok?” He quickly went to pull out her favorite stuffed teddy bear from the bag. “See, Mr. Buttons is here telling you it’s ok too.”
She looked at him funny as the nurses put an IV in her arm. He tried to distract her but she felt the prick and then out a scream. The nurse looked at Will and smiled. “It’s ok hun, I know it’s no fun being hooked into all this stuff but soon you will be able to relax.” Emma looked at the nurse, holding Mr. Buttons in her free hand. “Yeah relax, sure.” Will quickly went to the nurse who shook her head kindly. “Thank you Nurse…” The woman smiled. “Elda. The name’s Elda.”
Will smiled as Emma shifted trying to get comfortable. “Thank you Elda. My wife isn’t a huge fan of hospitals.” Elda gently put her hand on Will’s shoulder. “No one is. You just sit and keep her quiet. The doctor should be in soon to see how far along she is.”
He nodded and quickly went to Emma’s other side, sliding a chair and sitting next to her, scratching the top of Mr. Buttons, trying to keep her upbeat. “The doctor will be coming soon ok? And I have your bag here so if you want a magazine or your book let me know.” She sighed and looked at him, a little less nervous but he could tell, still wound up.
“I heard what the nurse said, I’m not deaf.” He winced at her tone and she noticed as she softened her face and gently took his hand. “Oh Will, I’m sorry, I’m just scared and I’m taking it out on you and everyone…I’m sorry.”
He gently leaned forward and kissed the top of her hand lightly. “I know. How about we just sit quietly ok?” He looked at her belly and gently ran a hand along it. “I can’t believe she’s almost here.”
Emma looked at her belly and smiled a bit. “You still think it’s a girl huh?”
He smiled and saw her hands rest on top as he covered one hand with his own. “I do.”
Will decided he didn’t want to know the sex of the baby while Emma did. It was hard but Emma managed to hide certain clothes and the room was decorated without it leaning towards either. The bag of clothes were even unisex because Will didn’t want the temptation of looking into the bag.
A few hours later with the doctor making the assessment that she was doing well but still awhile away, Will settled into his chair grading some Spanish quizzes while Emma watched a DVD of the Sound of Music when Elda came in to bring a snack. “Miss Emma, I brought you some fruit, thought you might be hungry.”
Emma nodded and Elda quickly put the fruit on a tray, bringing it over to her. “How’s the husband doing over there?”
Will smiled and put down the papers, helping the nurse fix the table over the bed so Emma could get to it. “Good, doing some schoolwork.”
Elda smiled and adjusted Emma’s pillows so she could sit up a bit more. “Ahhh so you’re a teacher, how nice. And cute too. I know I would be paying attention in your class.” The woman winked and Emma laughed.
“You’re only the millionth person that’s said that about my husband.” Will blushed and took off the cover of the fruit cup. “Yeah well, if you got a nice looking man, women tell you so.”
They all laughed as Emma took a few bites and Elda checked her chart. “Everything is looking good. How you feeling?”
Emma shrugged between bites. “Sore but not in too much pain. I’m preparing myself.”
Elda took a look at some paperwork and nodded. “Good. Well I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”
Will waved as Edna left the room and sat back down as Emma ate, putting his glasses back on and going back to work. “I wonder what Edna would say about those glasses.” Will looked to her and smiled. “What, they don’t make me look refined?”
She giggled and put down her spoon. “They made you look nerdy. I like your other pair better, rimless with the black sides. Those are hot.”
He laughed as he looked down, using his red pen often.
They sat in silence some more before another nurse came in taking away the fruit cup and helping her lean back in the bed. Will could see the sun going down from the window behind him as he stood to stretch his legs and walk around the room.
“Will?” He looked over to see her book down on her chest.
“Yeah?”
She looked deep in thought. “Do you think that I can do this? You know be a mom? Change diapers and stay up all night and all the crying?”
Quickly he went to her side and chuckled. “You already do it now with teenagers. They are just like babies most of the time.”
She looked at him funny and he could tell she wasn’t amused. Quickly he took her hand and squeezed it. “Yes I do, I think you will be a wonderful mother. Sure, there will be ups and downs but the ups will be so wonderful. You know when you will see her first laugh, her first smile, her first tooth; it will all be worth the hard times. And I have no doubt in my mind you will be amazing.”
Gently for reassurance he kissed her gently and whispered against her lips. “I can’t wait to see you be a mom.”
They touched foreheads gently and stayed like that for a moment before Emma felt a sharp pain. She gasped and Will pulled away quickly. “Em, you ok?”
She closed her eyes and winced. “Oh boy, I think it may be starting.”
Will quickly went to the other side of the bed, taking Mr. Buttons and putting him on a chair across from her. “Ok, ok. Well here’s your focal point, focus on him.”
She was panting and Will tried to get the attention of a nurse. Edna saw him and quickly went into the room. “What’s going on?”
He looked at Emma who was trying to breathe slowly but he could tell she was in pain. “I think she’s starting contractions.”
Edna smiled and went to Emma. “Ok dear, looks like we are ready to get this bundle of joy out. I’m going to time you and see how far apart these are…” She nodded through the pain as Will held one of her hands.
“Ok, they are pretty good but still far from delivery. On a scale of one to ten, one being nothing, ten being excruciating, how much pain are you in?”
Emma yelled, “Eight, I think I need the drugs. I need drugs.” She clamped down on Will’s hand causing him to yelp out. Edna noticed and chuckled a bit. “All right, I think I can get an epidural ready. Let me get the doctor.”
Edna left and Will looked at Emma’s face full of pain. He moved to gently move a piece of hair out of her eyes. “Hold on Em, it will be over soon.”
She looked up at him and tried to smile. “Sorry I almost broke your hand.”
He laughed and helped her breathe till the doctor arrived a few minutes later. After some painful moving to her side and Emma being freaked out being pricked, the epidural was in and she settled in comfortably again.
Another hour passed by and Emma felt nothing from her hips down. Will continued to grade papers while she kept herself occupied by reading and watching movies. When Will reached down to rifle through their baby bag, he gasped.
“Will, what is it?”
He looked up at her. “I forgot a stuffed animal!”
“It’s fine, she’s not going to know the difference.”
He closed the bag up and put it back on the chair. “No you don’t understand. It’s a tradition in our family that when a baby is born there’s a picture of the baby with a new stuffed animal.”
Will saw her roll her eyes. “Em, seriously. I had a stuffed chicken called Mr. Clucks and I loved him.”
At the name Emma laughed. “A chicken? Mr. Clucks?”
He stood and reached into his back pocket for his wallet. “Don’t laugh, it’s all that the gift store had at the time, which brings me to…” he pulled out a ten dollar bill. “Awesome. I have ten bucks, I’m going to go down to the gift shop and pick something out for her.”
Emma nodded her head. “All right, but no chicken. Find a dog or cat or something.”
He laughed and kissed her on the cheek. “Noted. Are you going to be ok?”
He made his way to the doorway as he already had the animal in mind. “Yes, yes. Just find something cute ok?”
Will smiled and looked at his wife one more time before walking down to the main part of the hospital to the gift shop.
The gift shop was quite big as he went around it, looking at all the toys, finding the stuffed animals quickly. There were many different ones from lions, bears, parrots, tigers. They were all very cute until he found the animal he wanted.
There on the bottom shelf was a dog, a sheltie small in size but perfect got for the little’s ones hands. He was soft and fluffy with just the right amount of brown and white. He picked it up, brushed off the bits of dust and made his way to the counter.
He placed it on the counter and smiled as he pulled out his wallet. The young girl smiled back and rung it up.
“You found this guy? Most people don’t think to look that far down.”
He smiled as he handed her the ten dollars. “The cutest things are always hiding.” She smiled and gathered his change.
“For your daughter or son?”
He placed the change in his pocket, the dollars in his wallet and then put the little guy under his arm. “For my daughter to be actually. She’ll be coming any moment.”
“Oh congratulations.”
He smiled once last time and then made his way back up to the maternity ward, the dog snuggled under his arm.
As he approached her room he noticed a bit of commotion. Confused and worried he picked up the pace and entered, noticing right away monitors beeping loud and a mask over her face.
He didn’t recognize anyone and was scared as he yelled out. “Emma, Emma!”
From the group that had gathered Edna came out, calm and collected, pushing him away from the room. “Mr. Schuester let’s go out here.” Not wanting to leave he pushed forward but her strength kept pushing him back till they were outside, by her door.
Completely overwhelmed and scared he ran a hand through his curls, trying to stop from having a panic attack. “What’s going on? What happened?”
Edna looked him straight in the eye. “I don’t know. Her heart monitor starting beeping so I quickly went to see if she was ok when she told me she was having trouble breathing. I called in emergency and a few minutes ago she went into cardiac arrest.”
Will couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. “Wait? She had a heart attack?”
Edna placed her hands on Will’s shoulders, guiding him to a chair. “I think so. The doctors brought her back but she’s still not stable. We are going to have to get the baby out now.”
Not knowing how to feel and freaked out of his mind, Will stayed seated as Edna talked to him, telling him they were going to bring her to the delivery room.
“Can I see her? Can I…?”
He trailed off and watched as the doctors yelled to each other, the bed being unhooked from the wall. He stood quickly and watched as they wheeled her out, her eyes were closed with the mask still on her face. He was able to get past Edna and walk along the bed rail, yelling out.
“I’m here Em, you’ll be just fine ok? I love you.” He stopped when they turned the corner, another nurse putting his hand out. “Sir, you’re going to have to wait here.”
She disappeared into the double doors and he stood, his feet frozen in the floor, numb. It wasn’t until another nurse gently pulled him away, needing him to get out of the way. Shocked they walked him back to the room and sat him down, the room empty without a bed.
As he sat in the chair, watching the white wall, eyes wide open the only thing he could think about was the both of them being ok. He whispered it out loud, rocking back and forth and he was only awoken from his trance when Edna came back in, the dog in her hands.
“Mr. Schuester, you dropped this…” He took a look at the dog and then to her, and he noticed her eyes watering. “Thank you.” He barely said it over a whisper as he stood and placed the dog in the baby bag, keeping it safe.
As he paced in the room, the clock ticking behind him he could see some nurses looking in, their expressions telling him they were worried. He said a few prayers as he walked and finally took a seat in the chair when his legs were too shaky to stand on.
After a eternity of waiting, a doctor entered the room, Edna by his side. “Mr. Schuester?”
He stood and quickly went to the doorway, the doctor’s expression giving nothing away.
“Your wife suffered a massive heart attack. We were able to bring her back to life but the shock to her system was damaging.”
Will’s brain was barely registering the words and they felt far away from him as he spoke and the only thing he could feel was cold running down through his spine.
“…because of the pregnancy and the drugs from the epidural, this made things extra difficult. After bringing her back her heart stopped beating again. After forty five minutes of attempting to revive her using our best efforts, it was unsuccessful. I’m sorry Mr. Schuester, your wife is no longer with us.”
Will looked down at the floor, hard and unfeeling under his feet. His eyes wanted to drift close in the hope this was all a bad dream. With the strength he didn’t know he had, he moved his head back up to meet the doctor, his voice low and unaffecting. “The baby? How is she?”
The doctor looked at Will for a long time and Will felt his head get heavy and his stomach get sicker and sicker. “Your daughter…”
It was a girl. He had a baby girl.
As the doctor talked his tone got very low and very choppy which told Will everything he needed to know.
“Your daughter…due you’re your wife having a massive shock to her system, the baby was affected. Even though we got her out as quickly as we could, her whole body was shaken…”
Will was going to be sick. He could barely stand as he saw Edna’s hand clasp his but he could not feel it as the doctor was talking, his voice getting lost between them as his ears became silent.
“She too, passed away. I’m so very sorry Mr. Schuester.”
He looked beyond the doctors to see the nurses all huddled, a few with tears in her eyes. When he looked at Edna she had tears streaming down her face. He couldn’t feel anything as he stood, his hands, feet and brain all mush as he felt everything go blurry.
Everything was quiet, silent.
Edna’s mouth was moving but he couldn’t hear her talking. She was doing something but his eyes were so tried, so unfocused that he couldn’t make out what she was doing with her hands. Other figures came into view and the next thing he saw was a large pin that disappeared into his side.
When he woke, everything hurt. His head, legs and arms felt like lead and when he opened his eyes, blinking them a few times, he saw three people in front of him.
“Hi Mr. Schuester, take your time…”
Their voices were fuzzy and he couldn’t tell who was speaking. As he blinked a few more times, their images became crisper and he could see Edna in front of him. “Hi.”
When he looked around he noticed he was still in the hospital. Maybe everything was a dream. The bags were still there, the teddy bear on the chair and he was sitting in his chair.
But the bed was missing. As he tried to speak he found his throat dry and his head swimming. “Hi…um, where’s Emma, where’s my wife?”
The group all looked at each other and Edna spoke for them. “Mr. Schuester, your wife, she passed away, an hour ago.”
Will looked at them funny, not believing it as he tried to get up, feeling dizzy and confused. “Um, no, she’s having a baby. I went downstairs and she’s having a baby…”
They tried to help him sit again. “She had a heart attack.”
So it wasn’t a dream and this really did happen. Which meant…
“My daughter, my Laura.”
He felt the warm hand of a nurse on his shoulder and hand. “She’s gone too.”
He closed his eyes, not wanting to cry.
“Can, I um, say goodbye?”
The voice sounded detached from his body as he saw on nurse nod. “Of course. Both of them will be brought to a private room.”
He nodded and watched as two of them walked away, Edna staying with him, holding his hand. Her voice was broken but calming. “I’ll make any calls you need. I’ve also called a priest, if you would like him. “
Will kept his eyes glued to the floor, afraid to meet anyone’s gaze. He wasn’t even sure if he was even here, on Earth or maybe in some alternative universe, torturing him.
A few minutes later he heard another nurse’s voice. “Mr. Schuester, your wife and daughter have been brought to a room. We can take you there and you can take as long as you need.”
He could only nod as he lost his ability to speak as they gently helped him up, helping him out of the room and down the hall. Will lifted his head up slightly and when he reached the room he saw the blinds drawn. When he entered, a curtain was blocking his view. “Would you like the priest?”
He looked at Edna who looked like she had been crying recently. “Yes, but can you give me some time?”
She nodded and the two nurses left the room. When the door closed, Will looked back to see only he was in there.
The curtain was blue, the light yellow as he walked towards it. He was afraid if he drew back the curtain it would be real. Maybe he better stay outside.
As he tried to get his heart to stop beating so fast he took a few more steps, the curtain right in his face. He reached up he felt the thin cotton and tried to breathe as his stomach dipped and his body shook.
As he pulled back the curtain slowly he saw Emma, under a sheet, pale, his daughter next to her, in a small glass box, covered up as well.
He let out a sob as he walked over to Emma first, scared to touch her. He could barely find his voice through the tears.
“Oh Em.” She was so pale with her lips blue, her hair a dark red, matted to her cheeks. She still had a small tube in her mouth. He placed his hands on the railing, squeezing until his knuckles turned white. “I don’t know what to do, you were my life…oh God…” Holding the railing he leaned, crying.
As he looked up at her again he wiped the tears away and tried to make it ok. “She’s beautiful Em, looks just like you….” He cried again and looked over at the little baby.
“She’s got red hair and plump cheeks. She going to be a singer, I just know it…I love you.”
As he made his way around to his daughter he looked at her. She was big and round. Long eyelashes and lots of hair. He gently pulled back her sheet and revealed perfect skin with 10 toes and 10 fingers. He let out another sob as he gently picked her up, feeling the weight of her as she settled into his chest. She was cold but he could feel her warm up next to him.
“Hi baby girl.” He sniffled as he gently rocked her back and forth. “I’m your dad. You’re a big girl.” He cried as he tried to talk, feeling his future slip away. “I love you very much. Your mommy too. I know you’re both in heaven now. Keep close to mommy ok? She doesn’t like it when people disappear from her eyes.”
As he rocked her, he brought her over to Emma’s side. “You tell mommy that daddy loves her and we’ll all be together soon…” He gently kissed the baby’s cheeks and forehead, feeling the cold skin on his lips.
“Daddy sung to you all the time when you were with mommy. So I’m going to sing again, ok?” He let the tears run down his cheeks as he hummed the opening and then sung quietly to her. “Good night my angel now it's time to sleep,/ And still so many things I want to say,/ When we went sailing on an emerald bay.” He kissed her forehead one more time and placed her back into her resting place.
He turned to Emma and now not so afraid, ran a few fingers through her hair. “I love you sweetie. You take care of Laura ok? I know you will keep her safe.” Gently he kissed her lips, letting the liquid fall onto her skin from his tears.
He gently walked away and stood at the end of the room, facing both of them. “I love you both.”
As he walked away, fixing the curtain so no one would see, he saw the priest by the door. The man quietly approached him. “I’m so sorry for your loss Mr. Schuester.”
“Thank you Father.”
The old man touched his cheek, the Bible in his other hand. “Would you like to stay?”
Will nodded no. “No, I um, just wanted you to say some prayers.”
“Ok.” He watched as the priest pulled the curtain back, and then close it. Will heard the sounds of the Bible opening and then his voice, quiet and structured.
When Will walked out of the room, Edna was there by the doorway with papers in hand. “Is there anyone you would like me to call?”
Will nodded no and walked back to the room, slowly, keeping his head down.
As he walked back into the room, he started to pack his things. The teddy bear, toothbrush all went back inside Emma’s bag and he couldn’t even look at the baby’s bag as he turned away as he zipped it up. A nurse was at his side.
“We will do that for you, don’t trouble yourself.”
He stopped and let the nurses gather their things. A few minutes later Edna came in with Emma’s clothes that she came in. They hid them quickly, stuffing into a bag and Will silently thanked them. He sat in the chair, gathering his school things when a woman came in, carrying a clipboard.
“Mr. Schuester.”
He looked up to see her dressed nice, very professional and very to the point.
She pulled a chair, the one the Teddy Bear was on and sat next to him as he placed the last of his school papers in the bag. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I just have a few things for you to sign.”
He took the clipboard as she handed it to him. “The top one is standard. It releases us for any wrongdoing.” He looked at her for a moment and without asking any questions, signed it.
She leaned over him and flipped the page. “This next one is releasing the bodies. An autopsy is standard in these cases but if you choose not to, please sign here.”
Will didn’t think he needed one done and he was so overwhelmed that he signed it without any questions. He didn’t want his wife or daughter cut up.
She flipped to a fourth page. “This here is a document that says your wife was not an organ donor. If an questions arise regarding that, it releases you from all reliability.” He sighed again and she took the clipboard back.
“Thank you. You will be receiving a call from us in about six weeks asking you to come before the hospital board. It’s just something everyone has to do when an unexpected death occurs.”
She started to walk out as he put his head to the floor, feeling dizzy again. “Oh and Mr. Schuester, the nurses will be giving you information about funeral arrangements and the like. We can do that here if you would prefer. Again, so sorry for your loss.”
The woman left the room in a hurry and the nurses all quietly came back in, getting a glass of water for him and making sure everything was back in their bags. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. Hospitals pounce on nice folks like you when something like this happens.”
He found his voice again after several attempts to talk, the tears dry on his face. “I understand.”
With all the bags packed Will stood and one of the nurses came in with papers. “These are for you. Just information about funerals, will’s and our grief counselor department. We tell all our families that lose someone to call and make an appointment with a counselor, even just to sit there.”
He took the paperwork seeing the list of funeral homes at the very top. One of them helped him with a bag in one hand while another helped put it on his shoulder. They walked with him out of the room and they stopped him at the nurse’s station.
“Are you sure we can’t call someone? We don’t want you going home alone.”
He tried to alleviate their thoughts by smiling but it physically hurt to do so. “Thank you, I’ll be ok.”
They all nodded and rubbed his back as he made his way to the elevator.
When the doors opened, he took one last look at all of them, watching him and then they closed, leaving him all by himself as he let out a small sob, the papers falling to the floor.
When he reached his car it was early morning, the sun was rising. He opened the driver’s side door and threw all the bags and paperwork in the passenger side. As he turned the key in the ignition, he noticed his cell phone resting in between the two seats. Not realizing he lost it, he picked it up to see it on with ten unread text messages and four voicemails.
He dialed into the voicemail and let the messages play out, each one bringing tears to his eyes.
“Hi you two! Hope everything is going well! Emma told us she was feeling like she was going to have the baby! Can’t wait to hear!”
“Hi Will, it’s mom. Just seeing how you’re doing. The due date is creeping up, let us know!”
“Hi Will, it’s Emma’s mom. I just got an email from her this afternoon telling us she was going to the hospital, need details!”
“Will it’s Emma’s mom again. Haven’t heard anything yet! Please call us!”
The text messages were more of the same, everyone from his parents, her parents and his family was asking about the baby. He had no idea how he was going to tell them.
As he read through them, he decided to respond to the last one, from his father. “So, any news yet?” It was sent a little bit more than an hour ago.
His hands shook as he replied back, “It’s a girl.”
Next part coming soon!