just

[thelendo]

I just
want to be someone else
just
want to change my nature
and be different
They tell me to be myself
but
it's not working
not all the way, not
good enough

I don't
even know who myself is
anymore,
I wasted so much
time
trying to figure it out
failing to figure out
either
what doesn't matter
or just
won't matter long enough
to matter after I'm dead

I want to believe that
myself
is the sum of day one
and the last gasp of air
before I go
but it doesn't matter
I'm not really sure what does
if
anything really does
matter

I thought my passions
matter, but
do they?
Do they still matter
if they change,
if they start to fail me?
Are my passions not love?
What happens when
that love abruptly changes?
Is there
no going back?

What happens when
love and passion
is replaced by something
better
but you lose,
you sacrifice
what got you that
something better?
Is that just how it is,
is that just?

Going forward
always means leaving behind
but I guess I haven't
learned
to accept that
not here
not yet

I just
want some passion,
love
and sadness.
I don't care
about happiness anymore,
I just want peace.