Ambivalence. Too much makes Chris a crazy boy
Forecast:
Weather: Perfect. Steely gray, ample mist, gusting winds, now all I need is someone to cuddle.
Mood: Split in two
I am in my computer class, BCIS, a.k.a. BSIC, Bullshit Is this Class. I have had a lot going on, too much really to type about. Some because I am lazy, somebecause it isn't my place to tell the whole world of LJ my personal life. All I know is that I am terribly confused, but at the same time, I am absolutely certain of one thing, and that is what is helping me to keep sight of my goal. I hate being tested. In school, I feel as if I am never prepared, and yet I get by with flying colors, I am hoping that in life, those tests will let the same rules apply. I just worry, because I always struggle in the beginning, with lack of confidence, until I get the whole picture, and then I do great. I am just afraid that in life, sometimes you have to go through things blindly and not be able to see what the picture is. You only get the details, the nitty-gritty, and it is up to you to piece them together, remmeber them, keep them stored inyour head and remember that it isn't just one thing that makes up life, it is many others, that come together. It is just so easy to fixate though on the one detail of the moment that I forget to look ahead. One comment, vague as it may be, does not tell of the whole future. My range of insight isn't forever the only possibilities, and I am not always right. Just because I am open to all proceedings does not mean that I am going to end up the loser, and yes, it is worth fighting for, everything up to this point has been and all that I can see is as well. It is about sacrifice, and I must give myself as one. Not forget, or change or harm, but salvage my pride. My jealousy, my ignorance for many situations. I do not like that I feel I am having to start over, but I will repspect more what I almost had now that I am truly having to earn it. I have always been that way, take it for granted until I lose it, gain it back, and never let it go. Falter yes, but never so easily give it a situation in which it can escape from my security. Security, never have I used that word so much than recently. It has always been a subject in my life, but now this is a new definition. I am aware that so many things are not what they seem, the rules do apply, but they aren't the lone ones. I fail greatly in my inhibtions. I find on place and revel in it at times, and I need to be what I believe myself to be, a risk taker.
Weather: Perfect. Steely gray, ample mist, gusting winds, now all I need is someone to cuddle.
Mood: Split in two
I am in my computer class, BCIS, a.k.a. BSIC, Bullshit Is this Class. I have had a lot going on, too much really to type about. Some because I am lazy, somebecause it isn't my place to tell the whole world of LJ my personal life. All I know is that I am terribly confused, but at the same time, I am absolutely certain of one thing, and that is what is helping me to keep sight of my goal. I hate being tested. In school, I feel as if I am never prepared, and yet I get by with flying colors, I am hoping that in life, those tests will let the same rules apply. I just worry, because I always struggle in the beginning, with lack of confidence, until I get the whole picture, and then I do great. I am just afraid that in life, sometimes you have to go through things blindly and not be able to see what the picture is. You only get the details, the nitty-gritty, and it is up to you to piece them together, remmeber them, keep them stored inyour head and remember that it isn't just one thing that makes up life, it is many others, that come together. It is just so easy to fixate though on the one detail of the moment that I forget to look ahead. One comment, vague as it may be, does not tell of the whole future. My range of insight isn't forever the only possibilities, and I am not always right. Just because I am open to all proceedings does not mean that I am going to end up the loser, and yes, it is worth fighting for, everything up to this point has been and all that I can see is as well. It is about sacrifice, and I must give myself as one. Not forget, or change or harm, but salvage my pride. My jealousy, my ignorance for many situations. I do not like that I feel I am having to start over, but I will repspect more what I almost had now that I am truly having to earn it. I have always been that way, take it for granted until I lose it, gain it back, and never let it go. Falter yes, but never so easily give it a situation in which it can escape from my security. Security, never have I used that word so much than recently. It has always been a subject in my life, but now this is a new definition. I am aware that so many things are not what they seem, the rules do apply, but they aren't the lone ones. I fail greatly in my inhibtions. I find on place and revel in it at times, and I need to be what I believe myself to be, a risk taker.