logic
about to go on my last underway before deployment. playing the guitar a lot more recently. throat is feeling strange. maybe from the singing with the guitar or the strain of the weekend.
deployment is coming.
at the moment im kind of trying to figure out what the hell is important. i have a feeling. i know its important. i have always relied on my feelings to kinda guide me through things. but ive never had the resolve to see things through before now. im of the mind that you have feelings on things for a reason. maybe it's an intuition not to get on a bus, or trust a certain stranger. or maybe it's that everything will be alright, or you should take a left instead of a right. go to one restaurant or another etc. i think all these things are god speaking to us. guiding us to what and where we need to be, or looking out for us.
its the same thing that makes us feel right and wrong. unfortunately, and this is not new to me. sometimes logic can cloud that intuition. and it can then be hard to tell what is god is telling us to do and what sounds best to us, our ego. and we confuse it. though i think that when we take a little step back, one feels right and one feels wrong. for example. the restaurant. you cant decide between two restaurants, and you tell someone else to pick. secretly, you hope they pick one over the other. or if you didnt realize it at the time, it takes them deciding to go to one restaurant before you realize that what you really wanted was the other. i think that we know all along what we want.
what im getting at here. is that i feel something for someone. something big. and when im with them, nothing else matters. more than any other time in my life i feel like im whole, and home. logic, though, definitely suggests that that is probably something that would be very difficult. theres a lot of logic in just saying screw it. and giving up. and i do feel that and see that when we arent together sometimes. ive made peace with the logic, and that it may win out. probably will. i kind of expect it to.
BUT.
yes, virginia, there is a but.
i had completely worked the logic out. and then we talked. and i felt something that....i dont even really feel anything anymore, and this is just.... probably an 8 on the richter scale. and then we talked more and it was relaxed, i used a lot of logic, and i figured hanging out with her would just show me that i didnt really still have feelings for her. i thought i didnt, convinced myself i didnt, and seeing her, i could maybe make peace. then we hung out. and thats when i knew that i had been bullshitting myself. i love her more than i have ever loved anything. i mean anything at all. its a feeling that is almost too much to handle. there are many complications. in my life and hers. i recognize this. but in the shadow of this feeling they really arent anything. and i know that ive got to at least try.
at any other time in my life, i would have gotten fed up with feeling so intensely, said hey, either lets do this or lets not. and then it would just go to logic and it would be over, i would move on, and forget about it. but something is different.
i have a resolve.
without angst, or despare, i feel love. and it makes me happier than anything else.
i can see it in her, but i see a lot of reluctance. theres a small shot. im talking episode 4 star wars getting 2 missiles inside of a really small window in an artificial cannon on a death star.
some people go their whole life without hearing news that good.
i think this is it. this is that big love. this is the love you make the "right" decision about. then spend the rest of your life looking back on and wondering. what if i had done that?
i dont know if shell let me, but ill do anything. without reservation, and with a smile on my face and the excitement of a kid at christmas.
this is what life is all about! there is a reason i am who i am at this exact moment. the fact that i will now pursue something. im ready now. i dont think that means that things will work out for me. but i think now is the time. im at a crossroad, and im looking left and right. i know a lot will push me left, but i know whats right. and im going right. with everything ive got. im going to go right.
if i dont i will always regret it. never make peace with it, and ill spend the rest of my life wondering what if. and always thinking that whoever im with isnt her.
i know, it all sounds heavy. and im very serious about everything im saying. the only thing that weighs heavy on me is the idea of things not working, but as ive said, ive thought about it enough to be able to make peace with it if i am forced to. but i will not stop on a whim.
it will take god himself to put me off of this path. and ive got to say, i think he's rooting for me.
yes, i said god. i think that im gonna recognize that higher power and the conversations i have with him. ill call him god. ill call the words prayer. but THAT is another post...
mood: cautiously optimistic.
determination: unwavering
im in a good mood. im ready for whatever happens, and like i said, i know the odds, especially given her demeanor. but i know what one of those things could be. and if its a decision between giving up on the only thing that i really have any feeling one way or another in life and doing something about it, then i know what ive got to do. whatever it takes.
besides, life is too short. i could die soon. she could die soon. anything could happen. there are no garauntees. i just know how i feel. and i know that means something, or else i wouldnt feel it. i will do what it takes as long as it takes.
i guess it wouldnt be a good story otherwise.
this life is worth living, and im thankful for everything ive got in it.
needed to vent. still feel a lot pent up. but a little better.
hey all, i love you, whatever youre doing.
dont give up. dont write yourself off yet.
i love her. :)
deployment is coming.
at the moment im kind of trying to figure out what the hell is important. i have a feeling. i know its important. i have always relied on my feelings to kinda guide me through things. but ive never had the resolve to see things through before now. im of the mind that you have feelings on things for a reason. maybe it's an intuition not to get on a bus, or trust a certain stranger. or maybe it's that everything will be alright, or you should take a left instead of a right. go to one restaurant or another etc. i think all these things are god speaking to us. guiding us to what and where we need to be, or looking out for us.
its the same thing that makes us feel right and wrong. unfortunately, and this is not new to me. sometimes logic can cloud that intuition. and it can then be hard to tell what is god is telling us to do and what sounds best to us, our ego. and we confuse it. though i think that when we take a little step back, one feels right and one feels wrong. for example. the restaurant. you cant decide between two restaurants, and you tell someone else to pick. secretly, you hope they pick one over the other. or if you didnt realize it at the time, it takes them deciding to go to one restaurant before you realize that what you really wanted was the other. i think that we know all along what we want.
what im getting at here. is that i feel something for someone. something big. and when im with them, nothing else matters. more than any other time in my life i feel like im whole, and home. logic, though, definitely suggests that that is probably something that would be very difficult. theres a lot of logic in just saying screw it. and giving up. and i do feel that and see that when we arent together sometimes. ive made peace with the logic, and that it may win out. probably will. i kind of expect it to.
BUT.
yes, virginia, there is a but.
i had completely worked the logic out. and then we talked. and i felt something that....i dont even really feel anything anymore, and this is just.... probably an 8 on the richter scale. and then we talked more and it was relaxed, i used a lot of logic, and i figured hanging out with her would just show me that i didnt really still have feelings for her. i thought i didnt, convinced myself i didnt, and seeing her, i could maybe make peace. then we hung out. and thats when i knew that i had been bullshitting myself. i love her more than i have ever loved anything. i mean anything at all. its a feeling that is almost too much to handle. there are many complications. in my life and hers. i recognize this. but in the shadow of this feeling they really arent anything. and i know that ive got to at least try.
at any other time in my life, i would have gotten fed up with feeling so intensely, said hey, either lets do this or lets not. and then it would just go to logic and it would be over, i would move on, and forget about it. but something is different.
i have a resolve.
without angst, or despare, i feel love. and it makes me happier than anything else.
i can see it in her, but i see a lot of reluctance. theres a small shot. im talking episode 4 star wars getting 2 missiles inside of a really small window in an artificial cannon on a death star.
some people go their whole life without hearing news that good.
i think this is it. this is that big love. this is the love you make the "right" decision about. then spend the rest of your life looking back on and wondering. what if i had done that?
i dont know if shell let me, but ill do anything. without reservation, and with a smile on my face and the excitement of a kid at christmas.
this is what life is all about! there is a reason i am who i am at this exact moment. the fact that i will now pursue something. im ready now. i dont think that means that things will work out for me. but i think now is the time. im at a crossroad, and im looking left and right. i know a lot will push me left, but i know whats right. and im going right. with everything ive got. im going to go right.
if i dont i will always regret it. never make peace with it, and ill spend the rest of my life wondering what if. and always thinking that whoever im with isnt her.
i know, it all sounds heavy. and im very serious about everything im saying. the only thing that weighs heavy on me is the idea of things not working, but as ive said, ive thought about it enough to be able to make peace with it if i am forced to. but i will not stop on a whim.
it will take god himself to put me off of this path. and ive got to say, i think he's rooting for me.
yes, i said god. i think that im gonna recognize that higher power and the conversations i have with him. ill call him god. ill call the words prayer. but THAT is another post...
mood: cautiously optimistic.
determination: unwavering
im in a good mood. im ready for whatever happens, and like i said, i know the odds, especially given her demeanor. but i know what one of those things could be. and if its a decision between giving up on the only thing that i really have any feeling one way or another in life and doing something about it, then i know what ive got to do. whatever it takes.
besides, life is too short. i could die soon. she could die soon. anything could happen. there are no garauntees. i just know how i feel. and i know that means something, or else i wouldnt feel it. i will do what it takes as long as it takes.
i guess it wouldnt be a good story otherwise.
this life is worth living, and im thankful for everything ive got in it.
needed to vent. still feel a lot pent up. but a little better.
hey all, i love you, whatever youre doing.
dont give up. dont write yourself off yet.
i love her. :)