Dare to be Aware - Chapter Thirty Five
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 171,497
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 35
Closing the door behind them and smirking at the sight of her boyfriend flopping down tiredly on the bed, Santana chuckled softly. "Well, this seems familiar," she teased, kicking her shoes off and walking over to pull his off as well before crawling onto the bed beside him. "You and me in a motel room? Least this time I know who you are."
He looked up from where we lay on his stomach and smirked, "You were so confused when you realized I had a strap on not a real dick." He said, "Do you... do you even remember? You were really drunk."
"I wasn't that drunk," she laughed, reaching over to run a hand over his back. "I always used to drink a lot when I was sad. Being rejected by you in my room when it was just us... made me really sad."
"I... I was in a cheerios uniform." He sighed, "I had long hair and was wearing a bra and a thong." He stated as he watched her. "I wasn't lying. I just couldn't be what I knew I was and I couldn't be with you like that... The thought of having something go inside me again... I... I couldn't handle it. Having you want to be with me as a woman..."
Santana sighed and rolled on her back. "It was just a kiss," she mumbled, staring up at the ceiling. "I wasn't gonna finger fuck you right there or anything. Jesus, Q. I just... wanted to feel wanted. By someone. Just for a little while."
"I did want you. It scared me so much about how much I wanted you and how much I was willing to do to have you... how far I was willing to lose myself to get that," he whispered. "I tried to think about how... if I could be with you as a woman..."
"Q, I just... wanted you," Santana rolled her head to look at him with a rueful smile, reaching out to take his hand. "I didn't care about the gender crap. Sex is... just sex. However it happens it's good in my books. And with you... it's better. Brittany might have fucked everything up, but she was right about that much. It's better when it's with someone you want. Someone you love. And... shit, I never went in Britt. You know with fingers and stuff. I didn't think that's what girls did until I got with Kelly."
He nodded, "The only time someone went in me was Puck when I was drunk and 14..." Quinn said as he laid on his back and pulled her hand onto his chest. "But he only got the tip in and I started crying and pushed him off and ran away."
"Yeah, I know. Remember who you ended up crashing with?" Santana pointed out softly. "I had to blow him under the bleachers to get him to shut up about the whole thing. Asshole."
"I'm sorry," Quinn said regretfully, "I'm not really fond of the idea his dick has been in your mouth..." He pouted as he traced his thumb over her lips. "I prefer to think I'm the only dick you want."
"I'm not exactly fond of it either." She kissed his thumb. "But you... well, girl-you anyway, was my best friend." She looked back at the ceiling with a quiet sigh. "I thought it was worth it to get him to stop trying to tell people he fucked you..."
"You're amazing," He said as he smiled at her, "I'm glad that we were together like this... with me like I am."
"Me too," she glanced back over at him with a little smile. "Even if you do sometimes go out of your way to blindside me."
"About the marrying me thing?" He asked softly, "I didn't mean to assume... I just... I do want to marry you someday when it's legal."
"Yeah, I just... I thought you hated being a Fabray," she whispered, looking back up at the ceiling. "I thought that's why you got rid of all your baby-making stuff. Because you hated it. I guess I thought a lot of stupid stuff."
"I... I get scared sometimes..." He swallowed. "If I'm not really a guy... if I'm not biologically male and I'm no longer a Fabray who am I... I'm just Quinn then. No last name, no history... nothing." He looked at her. "If we were to get married how would it work then? I thought girls take the boy's name..."
"I don't know. Some people put a hyphen in. Some guys take the girl's name. Some people don't change anything." Santana shrugged. "It's not a big deal, Quinn. You'd still be you even without your dad's crappy family name."
"I don't have a last name then. My name has always been the only thing I'm comfortable with... A lot of trans dudes have to change their first names, I didn't I was always comfortable with mine." he sighed, "I could take my mom's last name I guess..."
"You can do whatever you want, Q." She shrugged. "I don't care what your family name is. As long as you're you, I'm happy."
He nodded and leaned up to kiss her softly, "So is that a... maybe that you'll marry me someday?"
She offered a sly - almost shy - smirk. "Maybe. If you ever have the guts to actually ask me someday. Instead of just assuming of course."
"I'll ask you." He ran his hand over her stomach and settled it on her breast. "When you least expect it."
"Yeah, when I least expect it seems to be a theme with you," Santana teased, reaching up to cover his hand. She rolled her head to look at him with a sly little smile. "Speaking of unexpected... do you want to nap first or," the smirk widened, "relax first?"
"Relax then naked nap." He smirked as he squeezed gently.
"Are you," she glanced down towards his hip pointedly, "prepared or am I getting an opportunity to give you some special relaxation?"
"I'm not prepared," He said softly, "Kinda forgot my unit when we were rushing to leave."
"Really?" she looked surprised. "You've been wearing it almost non-stop since you got it though. I thought you didn't like not wearing it..."
"It was a re-apply the glue day." He shrugged, "I have the floppy packer on, but that's it."
"I'm sorry. If I'd realized, I'd have packed it," Santana sighed. "I know how much more comfortable you are with it."
"It's okay. I'm fine with the packer for a bit," he stated. "The glue is kinda annoying sometimes and it's nice to let things chill for a bit. Plus, you're on your.. lady thing right now anyway right?" he asked, thinking in his head to why he decided to change the glue that week.
"Yeah," she blushed, ducking her head, "but I can still... do stuff for you if you want. Also, Q, you went through this same crap for nearly as long as I have, so stop acting like you can't say I'm on my period like most guys do. Geez."
"I still didn't say it even when I did." He countered, "You should be happy that I care enough about your lady parts to know such things."
"Babe, I am happy you care. It's just kinda weirdly amusing is all," she smiled at him, rolling on her side. "So... since you don't have the big boy right now, does that mean I get to see how much bigger you've got now?"
He nodded slowly. "If you want... It's pretty big."
"So I can really get you in my mouth when I go down on you now?" she asked softly, trailing her fingers over his side as he rolled over. "Maybe even give you a handjob?"
His breath caught at the thought. "Yeah... I think so," he stated as he watched her move onto her knees next to him.
"Wanna get naked together? Or," she reached up to toy with her shirt buttons, "should I get naked first and then... help you?"
"Get naked first," he said as he pulled shirt of his head before leaning back and letting his hand move down and rub his crotch. "I wanna watch."
"Lose the pants," she suggested, crawling off the bed to watch him as she undid her buttons, slowly revealing the red lace bra underneath, "I wanna a hint of what I'll be working with."
He lifted his hips and pushed down his shorts to reveal his white boxer briefs tightly hugging his body. He ran his finger over the front of his shorts and rubbed slowly.
"Mmm better," she murmured, her eyes falling to the small but growing more noticeable bulge his fingers were rubbing over as she shrugged out of her shirt and undid the button of her tight jeans, shimmying them down over her hips. "You are getting big, aren't you?" she husked, licking her lips, her eyes darkening with lust as she straightened and reached back to undo her bra.
"It gets hard too," he stated proudly as he started stroking the growing stiffness. "When I go for awhile I get some pre-cum happening."
"Wish it'd get big enough so you could really fuck me with it," Santana whispered with a smirk, letting her bra slide down her arms to fall on the floor before hooking her fingers into the waistband of her panties, her eyes never leaving where his fingers were working over his shorts. "That'd be pretty amazing, I think."
"I love being inside you," he whispered as he looked over her body, his fingers going a bit quicker.
"Let me take care of that," she whispered huskily, pulling her fingers from her panties's waistband to crawl onto the bed and kiss the inside of his thigh before pushing his hand away and kissing the bulge in his shorts. "Tell me how you want me to touch you, Q."
"However you want," he whimpered. "I just want you to touch me."
"I can do that," she whispered,slipping her fingers under his briefs to tug them down and off his body, leaving him naked under her. "So big," she said, looking at his small but erect member. "Bigger than last time," she added, leaning in to flatten her tongue over it in a long lick.
"Fuck," he groaned, his hand moving up to tangle in her hair. "Do you like it? Having my dick in your mouth?"
She mumbled something as she took him into her mouth and sucked. When she realized he probably couldn't understand her, she just nodded, her tongue flicking over the head of his member.
He let out a totally unmanly whimper as she sucked on him. She smiled around him at the sound, bobbing her head slightly as she sucked. Her hands slipped under him to grab his ass and draw him closer for a moment, before she slid them around to grip his thighs, holding his legs apart so she could get a better angle on him as she lightly scraped him with her teeth.
"San..." He whimpered as he tangled his fingers in her hair, his breathing becoming ragged as his chest moved with each breath.
Santana moaned softly as she worked him, the vibrations travelling through her lips to his body. She swallowed hard, sucking on him, her lips and teeth pressed hard against the base of his member. Finally she pulled away, a trail of saliva connecting her to his tip and her chin slick with the arousal seeming from his core. "Delicious," she mumbled, looking up at him as she reached up to wrap her fingers around him and pump, dark eyes fixed on his.
"I'm gonna come..." he groaned, his hips and legs shaking as he watched her.
"In my mouth?" she asked, leaning down to take him between her lips again. She rolled her eyes to watch his expression as she slid up and down his member, lips, teeth and tongue working over him.
After a few more moments he arched up, his body finally releasing into her awaiting mouth as he cried out her name softly.
Santana cleaned him with gentle stroke of her tongue, being careful never to penetrate him before sliding up to kiss him. "That's always so hot that you can do that," she whispered as she pulled away, her tongue slipping out to gather a little of his essence from the corner of her lips.
He smiled lazily. "I like that you like it. It's kinda the best of both worlds for you... It's not like all penis thrusting into your mouth but it still like that girl stuff."
"You're the best of both worlds," she murmured, smiling softly as she ran her hand gently over his bare chest. "Yeah, you never were a girl, but you've lived a lot of the shit I go through too. You're not completely in the dark or grossed out like a born guy is about girl stuff. And you know how to pick clothes that look amazing on me," she smirked, remembering how he'd surprised her with the lingerie set one day a couple months ago. "And it all fits too."
"That's because I know you, and I know what you look amazing in." He smiled as he pulled her onto his legs.
"Yeah, but a lot of guys don't and wouldn't even if they were comfortable going in a lingerie store on their own like you can." She smirked at him, kissing his collarbone before resting her chin on it.
He ran his fingers through her hair. "That just means you will always get really awesome presents that you actually like."
"See?" she asked softly, nipping at his collarbone with a grin. "Best of both worlds. The hard sexiness of a man but the knowing how to get me of a girl. You're kinda perfect for me, baby."
"And you me." He smiled, lying there quietly with her for a little while. "My mom's man friend who spermed her up wants to marry her."
"Does he?" Santana asked, watching Quinn quietly. "What do you think about that?"
"Her son needs a father. She wants to move back to Ohio... but like that's dumb since we're not gonna stay there forever. Right?"
Santana shrugged. "I guess not. Don't know where we'll go though. Mami'll be sad you don't wanna take over the restaurant too. You know she's been wanting you to take over the kitchen from her."
"I'm just a cook, not a chef... I didn't go to school to do it properly."
"Um, neither did Mami," Santana pointed out. "She's a lawyer."
"Yeah... but I don't... like, I sometimes feel like I can make the food fancier sometimes. Like the stuff I read about and see on TV." He shrugged. "Your mom's amazing and the foods great, but it's like mom and abuela food."
"Okay," she nodded slowly, thinking about it. "So what do you wanna do? Like...go to some fancy school and be a chef?"
He shrugged, "I'm not good enough, you gotta be cooking for years for that..."
"Oh, bullshit. Any of those half-assed pansy freaks on TV can be a chef, then so can my man." She snorted. "Like any of them have half the balls you do. I know you, Q. If you want it, ain't a damn thing will stop you but you."
"You think I could do it?" he asked nervously.
"Well, duh." She rolled her eyes. "After the last couple of years I'm just about convinced you could do anything." She smiled, folding her arms over his chest and resting her chin on them. "You know I'll support you, babe."
"I don't know, I'm not sure if Ohio has a cooking school... Ohio state doesn't." He sighed, "Plus, I have to finish school..."
She shrugged. "Transfer. We'll figure it out. If you want this, then I want you to have it. Besides, aren't you and your mom like that jackass's heirs? I mean he's dead and shit but he totally owes you guys still in my books."
"I am... since she's divorced from him and Frannie can't be reached... I get to inherit all the dirty money." He sighed and cuddled up to her. "It's not good money..."
"So use it for something good," she suggested. "Pay for school and like, give the rest to some awesome charity for guys like you."
"Maybe some, but I'm putting some away for us... some for Shane for college and for our kids someday if we have them," he said softly. "It was a lot of money."
"I kinda like the idea of kids with you," Santana smiled softly, leaning in to kiss him. "After we graduate."
"Of course." He smiled. "I'll think about cooking school... I want to talk to your mom about it before I make any decisions," he stated, his admiration of Santana's mom obvious.
"You know if you do that, she's gonna make you promise to take over the restaurant." Santana laughed, nipping at him.
"Maybe I could. I'd focus on Spanish food and Mexican food at school." He smiled. "Since it is my favorite."
"Maybe I should work a little harder on that minor in business management," she said teasingly. "Like hell you're running that place without me."
"I thought you wanted to be an engineer," he said as he rubbed her shoulders. "It was your dream."
"Um, who said I can't be one?" Santana asked curiously. "It's not like Mami is going to give up her restaurant any time soon, Q. We got time. Just like she had time to be a big shot lawyer for a while before settling down to take over from Grams and raise her family. You gotta get your chef stuff together and really learn to be the head chef and all, so I figure I'll do the engineer thing and build us a nice little nest egg until she and Papi are ready to retire. Then just you, me, and our kids can settle in to run the place. What do you think?"
"Sounds really perfect, San." He smiled and kissed her. "I can train and get really good first."
"And maybe I can convince Mami to let me build an addition and give you some more tables to worry about," she teased.
"That could be cool... It's getting really popular, we did like 175 covers last weekend." He beamed proudly.
"You're a rockstar." She smiled, idly watching her fingers tracing the scars on his chest. "I, um... I kinda wish you hadn't gotten rid of your eggs. I know it's stupid and shit, but I kinda liked the idea of having a little you someday. You know, having your baby." She worried at her lip for a moment then sighed. "I'm with a guy and I still gotta get spermed up by some stranger if I want a kid."
"Um," Quinn started, "My, um, my endo... she thought I might regret that." He looked down at Santana, "She thought I might change my mind someday."
"Yeah, well, Papi made it pretty clear you were firm on the subject." She shrugged. "Whatever. They'll still be ours, right? Even if they're just...me and some random?"
"Actually, I, um, had some harvested," he admitted. "I wasn't sure how I felt about it. But, I wanted to give you the choice if you wanted it."
"You...you what?" Santana gaped, staring at him. "B-but Papi said... He said you..."
"I did if after that. When you went to visit your uncle, I got some harvested and frozen for us if you want them in the future... Your mom helped me come to the realization that we could have kids together someday."
She didn't have any words. She just shook her head, biting her lip on the smile threatening to burst out of her and flung her arms around his neck, burying her face in the crook. "I love you, Quinn Fabray. I love you so fucking much."
"I love you too," He whispered into her crown. "You are my world."
"Ready for sleep?" she asked softly, kissing the corner of his jaw. "Cause much as I wanna practice baby making with you, it's not the time." She blushed, glancing down sheepishly.
"Sleep sounds good, plus I've heard my mom retelling birth and I don't want you to think about that when I'm fucking you."
"Plus we need your big boy," she reached down to cup his limp member gently. "I love this part of you, but if we're practicing making babies, I'm gonna want you in me. Maybe I'll give you a special wake up before we go back to Mama Collins and your new little bro."
"Sounds perfect." He smiled and kissed her lips before pulling the blanket over them. "Night."
"Night, baby," Santana whispered, snuggling into him and let sleep take her away.