Shooting the Rapids - Chapter Nineteen
Title: Shooting the Rapids
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 88,975 / 105,220
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: The sequel to Standing on a Precipice. Rachel and Santana have managed to survive the turbulent waters of the loss of Jesse and the shocking truth hidden in Santana’s marriage. Now two years later, new troubles arise with Shelby taking a stand in defense of her daughter against Santana’s "corruption" and the involvement of the tabloids as the couple becomes more and more drawn into the public eye. Kayla’s success in gymnastics brings interest from an unexpected direction and Santana has decided she wants to try again for a child of her own. Can they survive as a couple and help their children thrive amidst the chaos?
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks thereof in later chapters
Chapter 19
It had been sixteen years, six months, two weeks and four days since the last time they'd seen each other. Three months since Santana had gone to feel Quinn out about meeting Beth. Not that Beth was counting. Because she wasn't. Just like she wasn't so nervous about finally meeting her birth mother that Rachel's good china was rattling every time she touched it.
She kept glancing at the clock on the wall. It was quiet in the house with the kids gone out with Leroy and Hiram on a rare visit from the two busy men and the steady ticking seemed to almost echo in the silence. She could hear the quiet noises of her sister and her girlfriend upstairs in their office working. They'd promised to stay out of the way, but it calmed her down to know they were there. That if anything happened, she had two women ready and willing to remind her that she was wanted and loved just upstairs.
Her cup rattled slightly against its saucer as she set it down for the sixth time in the last fifteen minutes. When the bell for the front door rang, she nearly upset everything, barely keeping from spilling the service as she bounced to her feet. Taking a deep breath and centering herself like Rachel had told her, she smoothed her skirt down and put on the smile that Santana told her was her best just a couple of hours ago. Heading carefully to the door, she reached out and placed a trembling hand on the handle, taking one more deep breath before turning it and opening the door.
There, just on the other side, was the one person she'd wanted to meet more than anyone. She looked like her. The hair was a softer shade of blonde and her eyes were hazel instead of Beth's brown, but she had the same smile and, as Quinn shyly pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear, Beth was thrilled to note some of the same mannerisms.
"Um, hi," Quinn murmured with a tiny smile, holding out her hand, "I'm Quinn. I, um... I'm your birth mother."
Beth looked up and memorized the woman in front of her, "Hi..." She whispered, her voice not able to find a higher volume. "I'm.. I'm Beth." She said as she pushed the door back so the woman could come into the house.
Quinn's smile grew a little, "Really? Your father and I named you that before Shelby adopted you. I'm," she took a breath, calming herself, "I'm glad she kept it. Well," she looked around as she stepped inside, seeing too many traces of Santana and Rachel for the house to be Shelby's, but she didn't comment, "I'm sure you have lots of questions. You can ask me if you do. Anything you want."
"Shelby wasn't really creative." Beth's nose wrinkled up when she spoke of her mother. She brought Quinn inside and bounced towards the couch excitedly. "Um. Rachel made tea and banana bread." She pointed to the platter on the table, "They're upstairs working... Well Rachel's working and Santana's being moody." She rolled her eyes obviously repeating Rachel's words. Beth sat down on the couch and watched her birth mother for a second. "Um... Anything?" She pursed her lips as she thought, "Why... um, why didn't you want me?"
Her breath caught in her throat. She'd known she'd have to face that question eventually, but she didn't think it'd be so soon. She smiled wryly, looking down at the tea service and pouring herself a cup. "Wow, you really must be my daughter. You don't pull any punches at all do you." Quinn sighed softly, trying to think of a way to explain.
"It's not that I didn't want you, Beth." She finally murmured, looking up at the teen, "I wanted you. I wanted you so much. But I was only 16. I was just a kid." She shook her head, "I couldn't raise a baby or give you the life you deserved. I didn't have a job. I didn't even have a home when I had you. I couldn't keep you, but it was never because I didn't want you. I promise."
"I guess I understand." Beth sighed, "Arianna drives me crazy and she's just my niece. I couldn't imagine being a mom right now..." She looked at her hands, "I just kinda wished, I mean... I just wanted to meet you and stuff. Santana tells me I look like you and Rachel tells me I act like Noah..." She shrugged, "But, I never wanted to meet him."
Beth looked at her hands and then back to Quinn. "I just wanted to know where I came from."
"Beth," Quinn began only to stop and think about how the kids she worked with every day about this very question. "You came from two kids who weren't in love but were very good friends. When your father and I got together, we didn't think about the consequences of what could happen. Then I found out I was pregnant with you and I was terrified, but I had to do what was best for my baby. For you. And it was hard. I lost my family, my home. I didn't have anything, but people I never expected to stand up for me did and when I got to see you for the first time?"
She finally looked up at met Beth's eyes with a fond smile, "For the first time in my life, I'd felt like I did something right. And I couldn't mess that up by keeping you with me. Because it didn't matter how much I loved you, Beth - and I did, so much. I couldn't give you a home. I couldn't even feed myself, let alone you. You were my one perfect thing and you always will be."
"I'm not perfect, nothing can ever be perfect," she said sadly. "I wish I stayed with you." Beth whispered, "Maybe everything would be okay now. I get that it sucks not having a home, Quinn. I had to leave mine and that really sucks. Maybe... Maybe if you came for me earlier it would have been okay, Shelby wouldn't have hurt my sister and Santana... she wouldn't have hurt me." Beth tried to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks.
"I just want a mom." She whispered softly. "Someone who loves me."
"You are perfect," Quinn reached over and touched Beth for the first time in years, her hand covering the girl's, "just because Shelby messed up doesn't keep you from being perfect to me. I looked for you, Beth. I wanted to know you, but Shelby insisted on a closed adoption. Legally, I'm not allowed to be anything to you but a friend. But," she bit her lip wondering if it was even something she could offer, "but you're still the little girl I gave birth to when I was a scared teenager and I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. Maybe I can't be your mom, Beth, but I can be your friend and I'd like very much to be a part of your life. If you'd like me to be."
Beth was suddenly nervous. "I... I don't know." she whispered softly, "I just want someone who is suppose to love me and want to keep me to do so." She pulled her hand away and wrapped her arms around her own body. "Shelby fucked up and hurt the only two people who actually care about me." Beth sniffled and tried to force back the tears, "My sister took me in because I refuse to go back to someone that hateful... and after wanting to meet you for 16 years... all I can have is a friend?"
Quinn sat back feeling as if she'd been stabbed. "Beth, you don't understand. I'm not allowed to be your mom. That's how Shelby set it up. I had to sign papers giving you up completely before she would adopt you and give you the life I couldn't. It doesn't matter what I want, Beth!" She hugged herself, sitting back in the sofa and blinking, unable to look at Beth. "You're my little girl," she whispered, her arms tightening about herself, "but I never got to be your mom."
"It's fine. Rachel and Santana can be my moms now," she whispered angrily as she looked to the floor. "Doesn't matter..." She sighed, knowing that she shouldn't be getting upset but she couldn't help it. She was angry and let down by the one person she thought might be able to make things better. "Excuse me." Beth sniffled as she looked at the blonde. She got up and sighed as she stomped up the stairs and shut her door.
When Santana heard the door slam she looked up, "Baby? I think the conversation just ended..." She said as she stood up and carried Arianna downstairs to see Quinn trying to hold back tears. "Oh, Quinn..." Santana whispered as she moved to sit next to her friend on the couch.
Quinn sniffled, shaking her head and not looking at Santana. "What?" She rubbed at her eyes with the palm of her hand, "I thought this might happen. Children often feel disappointment and upset when they learn their birth parents can't be their real parents and take them away. Beth's no different just because she was my baby girl."
"It just sucks more because she is your child," Santana said softly. She placed Arianna in her playpen and moved so she could hug the blonde. She ran her hand up and down Quinn's back. "She'll be okay. She's just had a really bad couple of weeks, Quinn. She won't go back to Shelby's and that woman has been sending a barrage of shit at us and it's just hurting Beth more. She's just let down by the world... she's also 16 and a bucket of angst and hormones."
Quinn laughed wryly, "Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place? Being sixteen and a bucket of angst and hormones? She doesn't know anyone who thinks a nickname based on either a slab of plastic or a fairy from Shakespeare is sexy does she?" She tried joking, scrambling to put her mask back into place. It'd hurt when Beth had ran off, far more than she wanted to admit.
"Thank god, no." Santana smiled and held her friend, "She has a little boyfriend but they're both too innocent to even think about doing anything like that. He's a good Jewish boy actually, Zachary." the darker woman smiled and kissed Quinn's temple. "She's just acting out, I remember a little blonde of my own being a little crazy and rash when she got upset or do I have to get the pictures of the pink hair out of storage?"
"Oh god, Jewish? She's doomed," Quinn laughed, rubbing at her eyes, "Don't you know Jewish men are the downfall of good Fabray girls? And don't remind me," she rolled her eyes, "Do you have any idea how long it took to get all the pink out of my hair?"
"He's a good boy, trust me I'm like the beacon for bad men. He's cute, not at all Puck like... and hey mother like daughter huh?" She smiled and ran her fingers through Quinn hair, "And yeah, bitch, I had to buy peroxide and bleach your head like five times i think we both got brain damage from it." She ribbed as she got up when Arianna started fussing. Santana came back to sit with the girl and plopped the four month old in the blonde's lap. "Baby girl, say hi to Auntie Quinn." She smiled and watched as Arianna pressed her hands into Quinn's face.
Rachel turned the corner into the living room after checking on Beth only to see Santana smiling easily at Quinn. To see her sitting so close and comfortable next to her. To see her placing their youngest child in the blonde's lap. It felt like a knife digging into her chest at the sight of the woman she loved being more open and comfortable with Quinn than she had been with her in months.
She took a deep breath and steeled herself against the pang, putting on her warmest smile. "Hello, Quinn." She glanced at Santana curiously before looking back at Quinn, "Beth's fine, just upset at the moment. Naturally, my sympathy and concern is mainly for my sister during a situation like this - unusual as it may be to refer to your natural child as my sister - but are you okay?"
Santana looked up and her smile faded when she saw the fake look the woman she loved was giving her. "I'm... gonna heat up the tea again," she said awkwardly. "Arianna, be good for Mommy and Auntie Quinn," she whispered, kissing her daughter's head and picking up the pot before headed into the kitchen.
Rachel watched Santana go with a forlorn expression that wasn't missed by Quinn even as she was distracted by the baby in her lap. Her shoulders slumped for a second only to straighten again and the same overly warm smile plastered on as she came over to sit by Quinn. "I'm sorry. She's up... moody. Baby hormones."
"Don't apologize for Santana, Rachel," Quinn drolled, shaking her head and waving at the baby cooing in her lap, "you'll spend all day on it and she'll just do something else. And Beth just wants far more than I can give her."
"Beth wants you in her life, Quinn." Rachel's voice was soft as she played with the tiny socks on Arianna's feet. "That's the one thing adopted kids really want. They want the people who brought them into this world to want them."
"But I do want her, Rachel," Quinn sounded frustrated, "I do want her! I've always wanted her!"
Rachel raised a brow at the vehemence in Quinn's voice. "Like Shelby wanted me?"
That stopped her. "Rachel, I..."
"No, Quinn," Rachel held up a hand, cutting her off, "Just let me talk. What is happening between you and Beth is different, yes, but it's also the same in a very important way. Beth wants to know who her mother is. She wants to know who the woman who brought her into the world is. She wants that woman to love and want her enough to be in her life even when it's not convenient. She wants someone she can turn to when she's scared. She wants, Quinn, and this is very important," she waited until Quinn was looking at her to state quietly but firmly. "She wants to know that she belongs somewhere."
"She belongs here," Quinn's voice cracked slightly, "I'm not her mom, Rachel. I can't be."
Rachel nodded at the stairs, "Yes, she does belong here and she will always have a place in my home no matter what. She's my sister in an entirely awkward and convoluted fashion, but I love her dearly and she will always, always be a part of my family." She shrugged, "We all know you're not her mom. So does she, even if she says otherwise right now. But you are her mother and you're the only one who can ever be that for her."
"She wants to know you'll be there, Quinn. That's all. She wants to know that when something amazing happens to her, she'll be able to point into the crowd at you and say 'That's my mother. She's why I'm here.' She just wants to know the person who looks like her. To find out how you're the same."
"When did you get so insightful?" Quinn asked with a sniff, wiping at her eyes. "Does she tell you this stuff?"
"No and I'm not any more insightful than I used to be," Rachel shrugged with a lopsided smile, "but I've been here, Quinn. I've been just where Beth is and I know how it feels to be told 'No, I don't want to be in your life' by my mother. That hurt more than anything you or Santana or anyone else could ever do to me in high school and I don't ever want to see Beth go through that."
Santana had been listening over by the kitchen and cleared her throat as she came back into the room. "Tea," she said softly as she moved to take her daughter back from Quinn. Santana went and settled down in the chair on the other side of the room and nursed quietly as the room fell into a silence.
With a brave breath, Beth traversed the staircase and came back down into the living room holding a photo album she had stolen from her house. "Here," She said as she handed it to Quinn and moved to sit down on the floor near Santana so she could play with Arianna's feet. "I thought you might wanna see those." She nodded to the book that held photos from her childhood up until a few years ago.
Quinn opened it slowly, glancing at a couple of pages until she realized what it was. "O-oh," she gasped softly, closing it. "Maybe," she glanced at Rachel who nodded reassuringly, before smiling at Beth hopefully, "maybe we could look at it together and you could tell me about the pictures?" She stroked the cover of the album absentmindedly, "Maybe we could get coffee or... or ice cream. I have the worst sweet tooth for vanilla ice cream, how about you?"
Rachel looked longingly across the room at Santana as the two blondes talked, wishing she could sit with her, but not sure how to ask. She wanted to be with her lover again. Wanted her to be okay with her and tell her she had no reason to be jealous or scared of Quinn.
Santana ran her fingers through Beth's ponytail trying to calm the girl's nerves like she used to Quinn's. "O-okay..." Beth agreed tentatively as she looked to her sister, "I.. I'm not allowed to drink coffee but I like ice cream." Beth smiled and looked down at her hands. Santana looked up and winked at Rachel before refocusing her gaze on the baby in her arms.
The wink settled Rachel's nerves a bit and she smiled at her girlfriend before giving Beth a reassuring glance. "That sounds like an excellent plan, doesn't it, Santana?"
"Not allowed to have coffee?" Quinn looked between Rachel and Santana in shock, "That's awful! And you're staying here?" She glanced at Santana with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, "Please don't tell me they're withholding bacon too? I don't know if I'd want to live without a daily dose of bacon."
"Poor girl got you and Puck's genes..." Santana smiled, "She is already perky as hell and she does not need coffee stunting her growth." She teased as she handed the baby over to Beth when she made grabby hands at the baby. "Yes, you can have her. Damn, child," She teased as she fixed her top. "Yeah, anyway, caffeine if not needed in this home. Trust."
Quinn laughed, "Is that what happened to you, Rachel? Too much coffee?"
Rachel just huffed and folded her arms. "I will not dignify that with an answer." But the corner of her lips twitched just enough that Santana and Beth could see she was happy with the turn of events.
"Okay, so no coffee, but bacon? You are not depriving my baby girl of bacon are you?" Quinn asked with wide eyes.
Santana blinked, "Um, we're vegetarian... and Beth was raised in a kosher house." She cracked a smile knowing that would annoy Quinn. "When Beth moved in, we got her some like chicken and stuff and you had turkey bacon when we went to brunch the other day right?" She asked Beth who just nodded.
"I never had real bacon before, Mom - I mean, Shelby, told me why we don't eat it and I'm okay with that. Plus it's like super fatty." Beth pointed out as she looked up from Arianna.
Quinn's jaw dropped. "Never had... but you like the turkey stuff, right? At least you like some kind of bacon even if it isn't the pork kind. Right?" As the comment about it being fatty sank in, she blushed, "I know it's fatty and bad for me, but I can't help how delicious it is..."
"Beth, when Quinn was pregnant with you... she broke into my house to make bacon because Puck's mom wouldn't let her," Santana teased as she made a face at Quinn, "And, let me tell you that that is not a food you can sneak make. So I came down and she's sitting at my kitchen eating a plate of bacon." She smirked and stuck her tongue out at the woman.
"Honestly, Quinn? Breaking into Santana's home for bacon?" Rachel raised a slightly judging eye, but her tone was teasing, "When you know Brittany would have just given it to you if you asked."
"Hey, don't judge me! You would not believe the cravings I had when I was pregnant with Beth!" Quinn blushed darkly, "It's not my fault Puck's mom hated me and cut me off whenever she could. That's why I had to leave there. I couldn't bear the idea of that woman taking my little girl and raising her into some twisted person who hated me." She looked over at Beth with a little shrug, "At least, I hope you don't hate me Beth."
"Don't hate you," Beth shook her head with a tiny hint of a smile, "and we can go have bacon if that's what you want." She wanted to fit in with her mother so bad she was nearly willing to give up her religious beliefs to make her want to hang out still.
"Babe, you don't have to eat bacon for Q to love you," Santana said, reading between the lines. "You and her can go bond over your odd love of Harry Potter and other nerdy stuff." She winked at the teen before looking up and moving over to Rachel. She picked up the baby as she did so and sat down with her and slid the infant into her arms. Rachel cradled the baby, smiling down at her before beaming up at Santana for moving over to join her and leaning against her girlfriend with a contented smile.
Quinn rolled her eyes at the two of them. "You two make me gag sometimes. Seriously. And Beth, you totally don't have to eat anything just because I like it. Though," she gave a little shrug and a shy smile, "if you'd like to go out for burgers and ice cream sometime, I'm sure we can find some kosher burger place that will suit both of us. I mean, if you want to. You totally don't have to. And if you don't like burgers we can just go somewhere you like. If that'd be okay?"
"I like burgers." Beth said as she sat up in the chair. "I like them with avocado like Rachel makes sometimes... but they're turkey." She stated as she looked up, "But yeah, burgers would be cool."
Quinn smiled, leaning forward hopefully, "If Rachel and Santana don't mind - and you, of course - maybe we could have dinner together? If it goes well, maybe I could try to come up to New York more often so we could hang out?" She tried not to sound too hopeful, but it was hard when being allowed a chance to be in her baby's life after so many years. Giving the little girl up had been her biggest regret, but she knew she wasn't suited to be a parent and Beth was still better off with Santana and Rachel or even Shelby as her main parent.
"If that's what Beth wants. She's almost grown, so she can make her own decisions," Santana said looking up from the baby. She looked between Beth and Quinn, "Just let your sister and I know what you wanna do and we can work something out, okay?" She smiled softly at her friend, "We're not really doing much for dinner either so if you guys wanna go out please feel free."
"Certainly," Rachel offered Beth a smile even though she shot Quinn a warning look to not hurt the girl, "Beth is more than welcome to go out with you if she wants to, Quinn. Just please don't bring her home too late as we have service to attend in the morning."
"Service? But it's only Saturday tomorrow." Quinn looked confused.
Rachel rolled her eyes, "Jewish services are held on Saturday, Quinn. You may want to look into Beth's religion if you want to avoid offending it by accident."
"I...I knew that," Quinn stammered, embarrassed at the slip up. "Well, what do you say, Beth?" She offered the teen a lopsided smile, "What do you think about having dinner with me tonight?"
"Okay," Beth smiled, "I'm gonna go change and stuff, but I'll be back down in a bit!" she called back excitedly as she bound up the stairs. Santana chuckled softly.
"Crazy kid." Santana smiled and looked up, "Q, you can hang here with me and Arianna while Beth and Rachel Jew it up if you want. I mean if you want that way you can meet the rest of the brood and then have lunch before you grab the train back to boston." She offered, before getting up and stretching slightly.
"You still don't want to come, Santana?" Rachel's question was soft. She didn't think Santana would answer in the positive, so she sighed softly and handed Santana their baby with a tiny smile. "I'm going to go make sure Beth doesn't need anything, okay?" She stood, leaning over to kiss Santana softly, her fingers lightly trailing over the woman's wrist as she pulled away. "You two keep Quinn company for a bit while us Jews do our thing."
Santana looked away as Rachel walked up the stairs. She leaned back and sighed for a second before looking back to Quinn. "See? Everything will be okay with you and little blonde," she smiled, trying to not let Quinn see that she was unhappy.
"Yeah, but will everything be okay with you and the hobbit?" Quinn asked softly, worried about her friend.
"Yeah, everything's fine, I just don't wanna go to temple... I just need like a couple hours alone once a week..." she lied. She was scared of the reporters, the cameras taking pictures of her kids. She was paranoid and anxious all the time. "I'm cool, Quinn."
Quinn looked at Santana for a long moment before shaking her head with a sigh. "Yeah, you know you weren't the best liar when it came to me in high school and you really haven't improved with age. The hobbit's practically freaking in that creepy silent way she used to do sometimes. What's going on?"
"I just don't wanna leave... or take Arianna outside," Santana snapped curtly. "I just don't want people taking pictures of her or looking at her," the silent or me hung in the air. "She's just being bitchy and I can't do anything about it."
Quinn raised a brow. "She's being bitchy. Did you just say your girlfriend is being bitchy? Because I may not be the biggest fan of the hobbit but those sure as hell didn't look like bitchy expressions to me." She threw up her hands, "Look, do whatever you want, San, but I had this crazy idea that you liked her and she's obviously worried about you."
"I'm just... I'm over all of this right now, I'm fucking exhausted and on edge all the time. All she wants to do is talk," Santana groaned as she cracked her neck and sighed. "I'm just... tired."
"Have you tried," Quinn made a vague hand gesture with an awkward blushing smirk, "something to distract her from talking? It used to be your thing after all."
Santana shrugged, "I just give her the baby and it shuts her up for awhile... but no. I'm not gonna just sleep with her to make her stop talking." Santana crossed her arms and she sighed. "We haven't in awhile..."
Quinn paled slightly, but swallowed down her discomfort at the topic and subjects of the topic. "Do you even want to...anymore?"
Santana shrugged slightly, her eyes looking at her daughter with guilt. "I just don't feel like myself still... I don't know, Q... I just have no idea what to do about anything."
"So, you don't want your girlfriend anymore," Quinn murmured, regarding Santana with an interested expression, "and you're not happy here...why stay?"
"Because I have four kids and Beth!" She spat at the woman, "I have four kids and I'm not gonna bail on them because I'm fucked up."
"So you have four kids and Beth," Quinn shrugged, "that's no reason to share a room with their mom or date her if you aren't into her. You can have separate rooms if that's what you need. There's nothing wrong with not continuing a relationship if it stops working, San. You can still be here for the kids without being their mom's girlfriend."
"Don't.. just don't Quinn. When the fuck was the last time you had relationship. You don't know what it takes to make one work, you don't know how hard it is to keep a family together after everything... everything we've been through. I'm fucking sorry I'm not the happiest person in the world right now, but back the fuck off you have no idea what I'm dealing with, what Rachel is dealing with!"
"And I know that, San! Jesus, don't you think something's wrong if even I am noticing?" Quinn was getting frustrated, "If anyone knows about messed up and failing relationships it's me, but did you ever think that maybe I just want to see one work for once? Maybe I want my best friend to be happy again?"
Arianna started screaming when Santana yelled and Quinn's voice raised too. The mother got up and glared at the floor as she tried to settle her daughter down. When she realized that it wasn't going to work Santana just left the room and headed down the hall into her bedroom to try to soothe her daughter.
Rachel heard the baby screaming and excused herself from braiding Beth's hair and headed downstairs. "Where is Ari?" she asked as she looked around the room for her baby.
The blonde looked up and shrugged, "Santana got mad a me and startled her and they're cooling off down the hall." Quinn pointed out as she stood up. "What is going on with you two?"
"We... We're fine, Quinn," Rachel began only to be cut off.
"Oh no, don't you feed me the same line of bull as Santana was." Quinn glared, folding her arms over her chest. "She is my best friend and something is clearly wrong so just fess up."
Rachel sighed, never having been very successful at standing up to Quinn. "We... She's depressed." It hurt admitting it to someone else, but now that she was it all came out. "Ever since Ari was born she hasn't been interested in anything but her and the children." Rachel tried smiling but it was a sad imitation as she shrugged, "I just...don't interest her any longer I suppose. It's terribly sad but I don't know what to do." She slumped down into a seat, cradling her head in her hands and whispering miserably, "I'm losing her and I can't seem to stop it."
"She gets depressed and she doesn't deal with it, she never has." Quinn sighed, "You're not losing her, Rachel, she's lost. Inside that pretty little head, she's lost. Maybe it's her inability to handle interpersonal stress, her need to be perfect or any of her other issues... but she's not gonna leave you Rachel. If you wanna leave, you're gonna have to leave her. But it's never gonna happen."
Rachel shook her head. "I can't. She's it for me. I don't want anyone else, Quinn. I just want to find her again! I want my Santana back. I want the woman I fell in love with. The one who would hold me at night and read those awful Batman comics to Cale and Alex. I want the woman who would laugh and play with the children in the backyard but would always come in to give me a kiss while I was cooking. The woman who took Kayla to get her first pair of glasses and told her it was cool to wear glasses. Was all of that a lie? I love her. I will always love her, but I miss her, Quinn..."
Quinn smiled as she heard about how good of a parent Santana was. "She'll be back." Quinn assured her and gave Rachel a tentative hug. "Look, I don't know how to get her back but maybe just take out our for a bit? Remove her mommy crutch that she's leaning so heavily on. I'll pay for a babysitter, hell I'll babysit if you want. I just need you guys to be happy again. I need to see Santana smile again so I know everything's okay. That there is hope for everyone finding love..."
Rachel looked up, uncertain but hopeful. "Do you think that would work? We've," she smiled sheepishly as she realized it was true, "we've never really dated actually. There's never been time. Usually when we get time alone we just want to sleep for the last couple of years."
"That's what happens when you breed a small soccer team." Quinn joked, "But seriously, let her get some sleep. Maybe even give her an Ambian or something and then you take her out... because she's gonna go crazy if she keeps going like this." The blonde warned, "Let her get some sleep tonight when I take Beth out and then tell her you're going on a date and don't give her a choice tomorrow. I'll talk to Beth about babysitting with me."
Rachel laughed exhaustedly, "I think perhaps we both need the rest, but I'll do it." She nodded determinedly then jumped up and hugged Quinn impulsively, "Thank you for this, Quinn. You have no idea how much this means to me."
"Please, it's no fun picking on you when you're sad and your baby momma won't play with me," Quinn joked. Beth came bounding down the stairs and smiled as she tugged on her leather jacket - a birthday gift from Santana - "Ready kiddo?" Quinn asked and Beth smiled.
"Yeah," She stated, "Bye, Rach. Tell Santana bye too!" she called as they headed out the door.
"Bye and remember, not too late!" Rachel called before closing and locking the door behind them. That done, she headed to the bedroom after a quick stop in the bathroom for one of her own rarely used sleeping aids. "Santana?" she called softly, not wanting to alarm the soothed baby. "I was wondering if you'd like to take a nap now that it's just us and Ari? I can take care of her if she gets distressed."
"Okay," Santana said softly, one of her hands testing on her daughter's stomach. Santana rolled onto her side leaving a space on the bed for Rachel if she wanted it.
"First, take this?" She held out the sleep aid, knowing Santana would recognize it and never wanting to put the woman she loved into the unknowing situation that she was in with Tobias with her. "You haven't been sleeping and it scares me. You can trust me to take care of our daughter and ensure nothing happens to you while you're sleeping, Santana. I'd die before I let anything happen to either of you."
Santana hesitated. "I don't want to not wake up," she whispered looking up at Rachel. "What if I don't wake up... or the pill hurts her from my milk?" She whimpered, scared of anything bad happening to her child.
"Santana," Rachel soothed, sitting beside her and gently stroking her hair with her free hand, "do you think I'd let you not wake up? You know I'd be lost without you. I promise you, the moment something happens with Ari that isn't absolutely routine, I will wake you. And this is one Ambien. I took it when I had to when I was nursing all three of the others and they're fine. It's approved by pediatricians so long as you don't take it often. You know that I would never have taken it unless I was certain it wouldn't hurt my children."
"I know," she looked up and sighed. "I'll take it," she whispered, taking the pill and popping it into her mouth then laying down. She didn't feel like she was a good mother, unable to handle the stress of the kids. "You deserve someone better, Jesse would have been able to handle all of this... I just fall apart."
"Jesse would have been able to handle this?" Rachel looked first astonished then amused, "Santana, you never knew him the way I did. And he was an absolute mess with Kayla and Cale when they were born. He wanted so much to do everything perfectly for his children, that he stressed both of us out." She laid down behind Santana and pressed a kiss to her shoulder, gently stroking her hair as she waited for the medication to kick in before letting herself rest for a bit too. "Once, I came home from a doctor's appointment only to find that he'd somehow tangled himself in a jumper swing for Kayla while trying to install it and was practically mummified on the kitchen floor.
"
"I can't even leave the house. My doctor says I don't want to but I'm so scared something bad will happen to everyone if I do... I just couldn't.. I can't handle this." she whispered, trying to not wake their daughter.
Rachel held her close, "You've got reason to be afraid. Bad things have happened to you outside of this house. This is your safe place and you don't want to leave. I understand that. But," she kissed Santana's shoulder again, hugging her, "can you understand also that I'll do anything it takes to protect you? To protect our children? I'll be your safe place outside if you'll let me, Santana."
Santana sleepily nodded and let her eyes flutter closed as she curled into herself. "'kay." she murmured as she drifted into a medicated slumber.
Reaching over and flicking off the bedside lamp and pulling the covers over them, Rachel curled around her girlfriend, snuggling as close as she could. They didn't often sleep together - at least not through the night - since Arianna was born, but she still wanted to be close to her. And more importantly, she wanted Santana to know she was safe so she could get as much rest as she could. She wasn't sure when exactly she drifted off, but before too long, the little trio of brunettes was sound asleep.
Chapter Twenty