A Ring of Endless Light
This passage comes from a book titled A Ring of Endless Light, written by Madeleine L'Engle. This should have been my favourite book when I was 16, because it is an entirely accurate depiction of life at that age. But I guess even now, the issues she talks about are applicable to me. We never really leave puberty, anyway.
The passage concerns Vicky Austin, 16, whose friend Zachary is a spoilt rich kid who tries to kill himself, unwittingly causing the death of another person. Vicky is speaking to her grandfather.
'But, Grandfather, if Zachary stays aound, they're going to be seeing each other, it's inevitable.'
'Is he staying around?'
'He wants to.'
'Because of you?'
'That's what he said.'
'That's a pretty heavy burden, Vicky.'
'Do you think i'm strong enough to carry it?'
'I think we've been given strength for what we have to carry. What I question is whether or not this burden is meant for you.'
'He needs me, Grandfather.'
'You, Vicky Austin, specifically?'
'Well- yes. I think so.' I did not like the way Grandfather's eyes were stern as he looked at me.
He said, 'There's a sermon of John Donne's i have often had cause to remember during my lifetime. He says, Other men's crosses are not my crosses. We all of us have our own cross to carry, and one is all most of us are able to bear. How much do you think you owe him, Vicky?'
I replied slowly. 'I don't think of it in terms of owing, like paying a debt. The thing is- he needs me.'
Grandfather looked away from me and out to sea, and when he spoke, it was as though he spoke to himself. 'The obligations of normal human kindness- chesed, as the Hebrew has it- that we all owe. But there's a kind of vanity in thinking that you can nurse the world. There's a kind of vanity in goodness.'
I could hardly believe my ears. 'But aren't we supposed to be good?'
'I'm not sure.' Grandfather's voice was heavy. 'I do know that we're not good, and there's a lot of truth to the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.'
And this struck me because weren't we all 15 or 16 at one point in time? When it seemed like every other girl around you [or guy, I guess, for all you guy school people] was emo at at least one point in your life? It seems inhuman to not be there for a friend. Let's not talk about close friends, let's talk about friends that you suddenly grew close to over sms or email or msn, and suddenly you would be unburdening to that other person, or that other person would be telling you how emo he was, and because it seems bad to withdraw, you let that other person's troubles become your own. Because there would be this repeated reason to stay- 'he/she needs me'. Did it happen to everyone- or just to me?
The grandfather here raises such a valid point that I never thought about, while i was trying to be a selfless hero and rescue other people. Other people's crosses are not my own. And of course, most of the time while i was 'helping' someone else, I didn't do much; the person would just need time to grow up and grow out of his/her funk. Or at other times, I would just get tired of solving someone else's problem and slowly withdraw, and leave that person to it's own devices. And now I do realise that sometimes I just felt proud of being able to say that this or that person had unburdened to me, and told me their problem, asked me for help. Sometimes it felt good to have the answers to someone else's problem. And while I'd like to think there were good intentions behind my actions, i'm quite sure there was some ugly little root of vanity there. It's such an awful thing to think about- to imagine that your actions weren't entirely honest. Consciously honest, maybe, but on the subconscious level there was the pride and vanity of being able to help someone.
Right, that felt like an impossibly garbled lecture, that only somewhat relays what I actually think and feel.
BACK TO VENOUS DRAINAGE OF THE LOWER LIMB.