what's it sound like when yr brain presses against yr skull?
i hate not sleeping. except not really, i enjoy the excess amounts of time i have and it's rather pleasing to know that i'll potentially see over three years worth of shit in my time than the average bloke. i feel like a superior being. oh, but it is rather frustrating having to stay in bed for hours so as not to wake the family members up from their precious slumber, but they don't know what they're missing. and sometimes you actually WANT to sleep like when you start seeing things really fucking badly. this sucks, and yr laying for hours watching minutes pass on yr digital clock plus you've listened to the billy joel 2-disc cd set you have 7 times and the mix cd you made at least 5 times. this is getting old. not to mention, the wall is reaching out and trying to touch you.
today i made an offering and then felt rejected. i hate putting myself out in a vulnerable position. it's weird that i felt rejected by them rejecting the offering; it's not like i was giving it as an extension of myself.
i wonder if other people ever have to think so hard about whether or not they actually care for people. i find that today i was...well i was being weird...and i was thinking and it seems like there's maybe 3 people i actually trust, i'm not exactly sure who they are. but i feel certain it doesn't exceed three and it would just be nice if i had at least that. i don't know, i only feel secure in my assumption of one of these people. then there are a slew of people i'd like to trust, but i'm not there. it's odd. it's not a very pleasant feeling and now i'm realizing it might seem like i'm being manipulative and trying to pitty people into being trustworthy. i'm not, by the way. i don't usually mind, but it does seem like most people can trust a handful of people.
sometimes i wonder why i have friends. i know i've brought this up a million times and it MUST be getting old, like a fucking broken record, but come on! i'm a total asshole, are you guys just hopelessly persistent or something? weird. like, okay, i've got the sense of humour thing but i can't really think of anything else. well, i know i have more than that, personally, but not that i've put on display so now i'm curious...i think i've probably been very fake, but now that i've gone insane i'm trying to cut it out. plus i really just don't care. oh yay, i'm a free spirit. i can drop off the face of the earth and live underground like worms and moles and sustain life with energy growing from within, water seeping through the dirt, and the occasional root i might find here and there. i'm fine with this.
i'm also aware that there are at least three people i CANT trust. there's a lot of people in between that like i don't feel any need to go one way or the other, but there are deffinitely at least three people i cannot trust. in fact, it would be better for me to just stay away. i think these are probably people with hugely religious backgrounds forced upon them by their parents and so they've grown up as clones with different clothes, amen. also people who get along too well with their mothers, but this probably stems from my inability to do so myself. who knows?
i find it odd that people always feel the need to tell me that they're grateful for there not being human cloning because one of me is enough. as if i'm vain enough to go make a clone of myself so that i can pick me up in a bar or be my own friend. or as if i'm lazy enough that i'd just stay home and let the clone do all the work. and am i such a burden or something that like i'm almost too much on my own? this is very odd indeed. i am not all to sure i like people and this may be based off of the fear that it might be mutual, you know, because i'm five.
i feel like a tourist everywhere i go. minus the camera. though i would like to carry my camera around again. actually i'd like to buy a new one but it's about 200 plus cost of the extra bits, memory card crap. anyways, it's odd, like i want to go take a trip even just to houses for sale or dixon lake or garage sales. i really don't care, i just want to move around. but then i never feel at home. which SHOULD have worked out conveniently as i sleep better away from home...because i sleep away from home. my therapist told me i should go on permanent vacation, it didn't sound half bad. though i couldn't take her seriously when she started talking about how breathing is better than a xanax...weird. speaking of weird, she once asked me what i would be if i could be any animal in the world and i said a black panther. coincidentally that was what i was hallucination earlier. odd.
hmm, i hate it when people feel the need to force out apologies or words of thanks. it makes me feel awful like my stomach is churning. almost as bad as the time my mother was lecturing me and comparing me to a certain friend i've sort of become distanced from (now this could be anybody, ha!) and started rambling about how i need all kinds of friends then making a point to plug "rich/wealthy friends" in the mix with company like "smart and creative friends" and "friends who listen to different types of music" like the amount of money someone has will help them be better in the way of friendship. i almost vomitted on the hardwood floor, this would not have been good. there would be repricussions for this, no doubt.
i think there's someone staring in the window. it's my neighbors. they're rather inconvenient to have around because i can't run upstairs after a shower to go fetch clothes from the laundry room. bastards. they scare me. i think they'd be perfect terrorists, they'd be totally undetected. all-american suburbanites i think there must be pill bottles of valium and xanax and prozac littering their living room this very second. i bet their baby picks them up like candy and pops it in its mouth.
um does anybody want my life? i'll sell it to you for enough money to buy that camera i want with all the extra stuff. i don't know, i think it's worth it. i seem to have damn good anecdotes and interesting times, usually. it's not so bad despite the minor problems, ticks if you will. i think i'm a machine and my computer insides have been hacked by little spittle bugs and the moisture is no good for the wires. i need a handyman. my life is up for grabs for a small fee and a mechanic would do it justice, not a bad deal.
i think i'd like to go a whole day without using any sort of spoken language and experience my life in feelings. except i'm very emotional like a four year old and would probably cry if people weren't understanding me correctly.
i should see my therapist. oh wait i can't. i don't want to be on medication but i don't think it would be a bad idea. i think i should probably do something drastic, preferably at school as it adds to the attention and thus more effectively gets the point across. or someone should tell my parents. but see, they wouldn't know WHEN to tell my parents because people aren't constantly with me and when they are they might be worse off than i am myself, so it wouldn't phase them at all. plus i don't like blurting things out in person. and then i'd probably throw a fit if i did and the person i was with at the time called up my parents right in front of me. you see the dilemma.
whatever, i'm getting too into this. i'm going to stop now. post over.
today i made an offering and then felt rejected. i hate putting myself out in a vulnerable position. it's weird that i felt rejected by them rejecting the offering; it's not like i was giving it as an extension of myself.
i wonder if other people ever have to think so hard about whether or not they actually care for people. i find that today i was...well i was being weird...and i was thinking and it seems like there's maybe 3 people i actually trust, i'm not exactly sure who they are. but i feel certain it doesn't exceed three and it would just be nice if i had at least that. i don't know, i only feel secure in my assumption of one of these people. then there are a slew of people i'd like to trust, but i'm not there. it's odd. it's not a very pleasant feeling and now i'm realizing it might seem like i'm being manipulative and trying to pitty people into being trustworthy. i'm not, by the way. i don't usually mind, but it does seem like most people can trust a handful of people.
sometimes i wonder why i have friends. i know i've brought this up a million times and it MUST be getting old, like a fucking broken record, but come on! i'm a total asshole, are you guys just hopelessly persistent or something? weird. like, okay, i've got the sense of humour thing but i can't really think of anything else. well, i know i have more than that, personally, but not that i've put on display so now i'm curious...i think i've probably been very fake, but now that i've gone insane i'm trying to cut it out. plus i really just don't care. oh yay, i'm a free spirit. i can drop off the face of the earth and live underground like worms and moles and sustain life with energy growing from within, water seeping through the dirt, and the occasional root i might find here and there. i'm fine with this.
i'm also aware that there are at least three people i CANT trust. there's a lot of people in between that like i don't feel any need to go one way or the other, but there are deffinitely at least three people i cannot trust. in fact, it would be better for me to just stay away. i think these are probably people with hugely religious backgrounds forced upon them by their parents and so they've grown up as clones with different clothes, amen. also people who get along too well with their mothers, but this probably stems from my inability to do so myself. who knows?
i find it odd that people always feel the need to tell me that they're grateful for there not being human cloning because one of me is enough. as if i'm vain enough to go make a clone of myself so that i can pick me up in a bar or be my own friend. or as if i'm lazy enough that i'd just stay home and let the clone do all the work. and am i such a burden or something that like i'm almost too much on my own? this is very odd indeed. i am not all to sure i like people and this may be based off of the fear that it might be mutual, you know, because i'm five.
i feel like a tourist everywhere i go. minus the camera. though i would like to carry my camera around again. actually i'd like to buy a new one but it's about 200 plus cost of the extra bits, memory card crap. anyways, it's odd, like i want to go take a trip even just to houses for sale or dixon lake or garage sales. i really don't care, i just want to move around. but then i never feel at home. which SHOULD have worked out conveniently as i sleep better away from home...because i sleep away from home. my therapist told me i should go on permanent vacation, it didn't sound half bad. though i couldn't take her seriously when she started talking about how breathing is better than a xanax...weird. speaking of weird, she once asked me what i would be if i could be any animal in the world and i said a black panther. coincidentally that was what i was hallucination earlier. odd.
hmm, i hate it when people feel the need to force out apologies or words of thanks. it makes me feel awful like my stomach is churning. almost as bad as the time my mother was lecturing me and comparing me to a certain friend i've sort of become distanced from (now this could be anybody, ha!) and started rambling about how i need all kinds of friends then making a point to plug "rich/wealthy friends" in the mix with company like "smart and creative friends" and "friends who listen to different types of music" like the amount of money someone has will help them be better in the way of friendship. i almost vomitted on the hardwood floor, this would not have been good. there would be repricussions for this, no doubt.
i think there's someone staring in the window. it's my neighbors. they're rather inconvenient to have around because i can't run upstairs after a shower to go fetch clothes from the laundry room. bastards. they scare me. i think they'd be perfect terrorists, they'd be totally undetected. all-american suburbanites i think there must be pill bottles of valium and xanax and prozac littering their living room this very second. i bet their baby picks them up like candy and pops it in its mouth.
um does anybody want my life? i'll sell it to you for enough money to buy that camera i want with all the extra stuff. i don't know, i think it's worth it. i seem to have damn good anecdotes and interesting times, usually. it's not so bad despite the minor problems, ticks if you will. i think i'm a machine and my computer insides have been hacked by little spittle bugs and the moisture is no good for the wires. i need a handyman. my life is up for grabs for a small fee and a mechanic would do it justice, not a bad deal.
i think i'd like to go a whole day without using any sort of spoken language and experience my life in feelings. except i'm very emotional like a four year old and would probably cry if people weren't understanding me correctly.
i should see my therapist. oh wait i can't. i don't want to be on medication but i don't think it would be a bad idea. i think i should probably do something drastic, preferably at school as it adds to the attention and thus more effectively gets the point across. or someone should tell my parents. but see, they wouldn't know WHEN to tell my parents because people aren't constantly with me and when they are they might be worse off than i am myself, so it wouldn't phase them at all. plus i don't like blurting things out in person. and then i'd probably throw a fit if i did and the person i was with at the time called up my parents right in front of me. you see the dilemma.
whatever, i'm getting too into this. i'm going to stop now. post over.