Can't sleep
So I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep for work in the morning, and I have everything working against me: sleeping pills not kicking in, the occasional screaming and loud noises from my roommates, a neighbor playing music with too much bass... so I set my alarm clock to play the CD on sleep mode so maybe I can fall asleep, two problems: one, the CD must be scratched because after the fifth track it starts skipping, second, it's the one Julie made for me. So maybe typing some of this up will help me get to sleep.
Quick recap: the Vermont weekend did not go smoothly for us, I kept "doing things wrong" like trying to hold her hand occasionally during the reception, and trying my damnedest to dance but apparently my effort wasn't enough. So it becomes very apparent that we can't even date anymore, we're just friends. Fast forward to about a week after, we have a conversation where she basically tells me that I cannot do anything right, and pretty much implies that trying to date me made her life more difficult and she'd be better off if we had never shared a connection. So I was absolutely hurt. I went through several days of depression, and lost all trust in being able to confide anything in her. This is the worst part because, early on, I felt like I could share anything with her, and losing that aspect basically destroyed the ability to remain friends, especially since she doesn't seem to want to rebuild that trust. We haven't talked at all for at least two weeks now.
So laying here tonight listening to the CD she made for me when she actually cared for me, I realized that there is a good thing that comes out of this. I learned that I really have to completely abandon this whole idea of finding "the one" and the magical side of relationships. I have to avoid falling for women and thinking that it's such a great thing and that it is just the beginning of so many great times. Now, should the opportunity arise to "just hook up", I'm gonna take it, which is something I've never thought of doing because it wasn't 'special'. I'm basically going to try to become more like the "normal guy" who just dates and isn't looking for anything more. Should be a fun journey.
Quick recap: the Vermont weekend did not go smoothly for us, I kept "doing things wrong" like trying to hold her hand occasionally during the reception, and trying my damnedest to dance but apparently my effort wasn't enough. So it becomes very apparent that we can't even date anymore, we're just friends. Fast forward to about a week after, we have a conversation where she basically tells me that I cannot do anything right, and pretty much implies that trying to date me made her life more difficult and she'd be better off if we had never shared a connection. So I was absolutely hurt. I went through several days of depression, and lost all trust in being able to confide anything in her. This is the worst part because, early on, I felt like I could share anything with her, and losing that aspect basically destroyed the ability to remain friends, especially since she doesn't seem to want to rebuild that trust. We haven't talked at all for at least two weeks now.
So laying here tonight listening to the CD she made for me when she actually cared for me, I realized that there is a good thing that comes out of this. I learned that I really have to completely abandon this whole idea of finding "the one" and the magical side of relationships. I have to avoid falling for women and thinking that it's such a great thing and that it is just the beginning of so many great times. Now, should the opportunity arise to "just hook up", I'm gonna take it, which is something I've never thought of doing because it wasn't 'special'. I'm basically going to try to become more like the "normal guy" who just dates and isn't looking for anything more. Should be a fun journey.