Under the light, I do so pledge.
So..it really all comes down to: Me, a pseudo pen&paper and thoughts. More thoughts than I have words for. Thoughts stemming from feelings which are utterly inarticulable. Feelings I can't even put words to. I have ignored my future. Abhorred the past. And relish only the parts of the present from which I can make sense. Which is not much,
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It's as if you know what to do, but refuse to do it.
I can't help but wonder what this world would be like if you did what hasn't been done for so long. The friendships mended.. with people that want nothing more. The adventures that we'll remember for a lifetime. The forgiveness that is there for you. It's standing there in front of you. The love of people you've turned your back on. I know you have tried to talk yourself into believing that what you've done was right. But there, in your heart of little black hearts, you know. You know, Mark. You know it's all within your grasp.
This may not be my place anymore,
But as someone who once cared too much about you, I can't help but speak my piece. I worry about you. Just like you worry about me ending my misery with a length of rope and a letter addressed to you.
It's not right. It's so not right. I know you know what I'm saying. Whether you delete this without reading, or retort with some vicious big words, you know what I'm saying. You feel it as viscerally as I.
And so I sit here wondering if it'll ever end.
We all sit here, waiting, and talking, wondering if our old good friend will shed this shell of indifference and reclaim the glory that was once here. That was once his. No one wanted you to hurt. No one wanted you to feel this way. Still, we feel this. And even those of us that thought we were your enemy will stand there with breath held, ready to welcome you back.
You have affected my relationships with my friends. They don't know what to do about you. They want me, and they want you, and no one can figure out why they can't have both. But that isn't my greatest concern. I've moved on past my selfishness. I've given you all the time you needed. I let you hurt everyone and offered them no explanations. I've watched the sadness in their eyes when you come up. And I hold my tongue. For I have no vicious words for you, Mark. I cannot be mad anymore. My tears have dried and I've moved on with my life. Since Eric came into our lives, and pushed you away from the people you cared about, we have stilled our spinning heads. I don't know what it'll take.. an inter-friend-tion, the -real- end to your relationship, or even my early death.., but to be happy, Mark, you've got to make peace with your past. Because if all you do is turn your back, or write about it in an online journal, you will carry a burden. And you will never be happy.
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