Under the light, I do so pledge.
So..it really all comes down to: Me, a pseudo pen&paper and thoughts. More thoughts than I have words for. Thoughts stemming from feelings which are utterly inarticulable. Feelings I can't even put words to. I have ignored my future. Abhorred the past. And relish only the parts of the present from which I can make sense. Which is not much, anymore. People seem so unreal. Intangible. Relationships I've abused and distanced myself from are inaccessible for all the same reason. Fallen into disuse. For so long have I sought to hide so much of myself; for many reasons; maybe only for one reason. Shame and guilt have driven me far and will likely drive me farther still-- Can't kindle a spark from nothing. Can't carry the weight of a friendship when it slips through your soul like water through the sieve. Hidden. For so long. Hiding the rotting. The festering self-inflictions. The barren heart and cold hearth. When they see you do they see you? Do they see your casual disdain for past indiscretions? Your purposeful glossing over of so many details? The idolized and idealized now; because the now is so greatly good. Because it's not before. Because it doesn't include the people, places & things that cause you grief and guilt. Because you don't have to know they're seeing you with the weight of your self-made world, full of self-taught destruction bearing down upon your heart. Because in that precious now, they aren't real anymore; and what isn't real is no longer something that can be touched or tinkered with. A person is not a thing to be tinkered with. A person who is not real can neither tinker with you. I know.
Yet reality tells me differently. Reality tinkers with me all the time. And I with it. If it tinkers with people, than so too the right of it have I; by divine right-- the divinest plight, as conductor of my own universe. I don't deal with people any more, however I have tried to deal with it; at the moment I have no idea how. It is without a doubt the hardest thing to swallow; unfiltered, unaltered reality-- so harshly real. I feel a child: naive and raw, without the wonder. When I removed the lens of denial and selective memory, the gravity of my wrong doings washes over me so violently, it does make me want to explode, non-violently. In fact it makes me want to implode however delicately possible or whatever the opposite of exploding violently is..like if I could send out a wave of retroactive healants, coolants, warmth, hugs, hand shakes, apologies, turned-cheeks, white flags, kisses, cuddles, honesties, gratuities, sympathies, considerations and maybe even a pain killer or two, for the wounds which have no remedy & for those few headbutts I gave-- I would.
I am sorry. For the self-centered, bilious existence I have led. For the drama-mongering I contributed to. To the people I've offended with off-handed remarks. For my arrogance and lack of humility. For my insistence at existence. For my spotlight outshining yours when I only ever showcased my inability to shut the fuck up. To the cheated, lied to and down-trodden. To those I've scorned and all those undeserving of the scorn I've made them feel. I apologize from the deepest recesses of my ugly, black heart.
Yet reality tells me differently. Reality tinkers with me all the time. And I with it. If it tinkers with people, than so too the right of it have I; by divine right-- the divinest plight, as conductor of my own universe. I don't deal with people any more, however I have tried to deal with it; at the moment I have no idea how. It is without a doubt the hardest thing to swallow; unfiltered, unaltered reality-- so harshly real. I feel a child: naive and raw, without the wonder. When I removed the lens of denial and selective memory, the gravity of my wrong doings washes over me so violently, it does make me want to explode, non-violently. In fact it makes me want to implode however delicately possible or whatever the opposite of exploding violently is..like if I could send out a wave of retroactive healants, coolants, warmth, hugs, hand shakes, apologies, turned-cheeks, white flags, kisses, cuddles, honesties, gratuities, sympathies, considerations and maybe even a pain killer or two, for the wounds which have no remedy & for those few headbutts I gave-- I would.
I am sorry. For the self-centered, bilious existence I have led. For the drama-mongering I contributed to. To the people I've offended with off-handed remarks. For my arrogance and lack of humility. For my insistence at existence. For my spotlight outshining yours when I only ever showcased my inability to shut the fuck up. To the cheated, lied to and down-trodden. To those I've scorned and all those undeserving of the scorn I've made them feel. I apologize from the deepest recesses of my ugly, black heart.