what the loser i have become
The day is Friday. The hour is 01:01AM, and here I am back-tracking to browse through 4 years of youth left behind here on this LJ. I haven’t had to use this in a while, and it has gotten somewhat neglected, and as I go back and look through each post, each brain-numbing survey, each comment war, I've come to believe I haven’t grown at all over the course of 4 years.
4 years ago it was October of 03, before I had an LJ. But I remember it like it was last week. I was desperately "in love" (or so it seemed at the time) with someone I was never meant to be with, I was hating school, and dealing with typical teen-angst towards parents and anything that didn’t happen exactly how I wanted it.
Within these 4 years, this LJ has seen me date 4 nice young women. It has seen me rant about countless others that I was attracted to along the way. This LJ has been on the receiving end of very angsty over-the-top dramatic "poetry." This LJ has seen the red sox win a world series, even.
But it hasn’t seen me change really.
Granted, I haven’t posted in this thing since I don’t know when, so perhaps any growth on my part was lost due to my neglecting to record my progress.
But I can tell you now, that I didn’t need to post here that often anymore, as it was just going to be more of the same.
So what’s NOW in the world of Doug?
I have a decent paying job, a job where the paycheck is the only reward. I have a car that was basically given to me. I have a smoking problem, of all sorts. I have a laptop that was given to me. I don’t have a drinking problem but thank "god" that dad doesn’t keep anything good in the house. I’m a "student" at Westfield state college, but a failing one at that. One that plans to LEAVE college to pursue nothing great after this semester. I lack a social life, which is no one's fault but my own. college for me has been the biggest mind-fuck of my life, and a COMPLETE waste of money. My usual week-day: get up-go to class-fail-go home-go to work-go home-sleep. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I find no joy in driving an hour to class every day. I find no joy in the fact that the only people there that will talk to me are the professors. I find no joy in driving an hour home, only to have to go to work soon after. I bet the only things keeping me going to work is at least I enjoy the company of my coworkers and the paycheck. But school. Every minute I’m in class I’m sweating, silently freaking out inside knowing that the people I’m sitting next to are all better than me. They can handle school and work. They can handle a social life mixed in. But not poor little dougie...
That’s how I know I haven’t grown at all.
I’m weak. Millions upon millions of people have succeeded in college...but I have to be one of the few who can’t hack it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I could pass most of the courses. What I can’t deal with is alienation. You will never understand being alone until you are surrounded on a campus of 5000 students and STILL feel alone.
I believe that the only way I can keep my mental and physical stability is by retiring from college "life."
After all, life isn't worth living if you can't feel alive.
4 years ago it was October of 03, before I had an LJ. But I remember it like it was last week. I was desperately "in love" (or so it seemed at the time) with someone I was never meant to be with, I was hating school, and dealing with typical teen-angst towards parents and anything that didn’t happen exactly how I wanted it.
Within these 4 years, this LJ has seen me date 4 nice young women. It has seen me rant about countless others that I was attracted to along the way. This LJ has been on the receiving end of very angsty over-the-top dramatic "poetry." This LJ has seen the red sox win a world series, even.
But it hasn’t seen me change really.
Granted, I haven’t posted in this thing since I don’t know when, so perhaps any growth on my part was lost due to my neglecting to record my progress.
But I can tell you now, that I didn’t need to post here that often anymore, as it was just going to be more of the same.
So what’s NOW in the world of Doug?
I have a decent paying job, a job where the paycheck is the only reward. I have a car that was basically given to me. I have a smoking problem, of all sorts. I have a laptop that was given to me. I don’t have a drinking problem but thank "god" that dad doesn’t keep anything good in the house. I’m a "student" at Westfield state college, but a failing one at that. One that plans to LEAVE college to pursue nothing great after this semester. I lack a social life, which is no one's fault but my own. college for me has been the biggest mind-fuck of my life, and a COMPLETE waste of money. My usual week-day: get up-go to class-fail-go home-go to work-go home-sleep. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I find no joy in driving an hour to class every day. I find no joy in the fact that the only people there that will talk to me are the professors. I find no joy in driving an hour home, only to have to go to work soon after. I bet the only things keeping me going to work is at least I enjoy the company of my coworkers and the paycheck. But school. Every minute I’m in class I’m sweating, silently freaking out inside knowing that the people I’m sitting next to are all better than me. They can handle school and work. They can handle a social life mixed in. But not poor little dougie...
That’s how I know I haven’t grown at all.
I’m weak. Millions upon millions of people have succeeded in college...but I have to be one of the few who can’t hack it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I could pass most of the courses. What I can’t deal with is alienation. You will never understand being alone until you are surrounded on a campus of 5000 students and STILL feel alone.
I believe that the only way I can keep my mental and physical stability is by retiring from college "life."
After all, life isn't worth living if you can't feel alive.