Step by step (3/4)
(part 2)
Generally speaking, Sanghyuk likes weekends.
He likes the freedom of getting up whenever he feels like it, of being able to laze around in his bed in the languid morning light, till the fresh start of the day fades into noon and his stomach starts to growl hungrily. He enjoys taking his time deciding what to do with the free hours, picking out a movie to watch with a friend, or go shopping with his mother, or just grab his wallet and wander around downtown, maybe meet up with someone in a coffee shop or at a bar. Occasionally, he’d go out clubbing with some college friends, or just wrap himself in a blanket, surrounded by numerous bags of snacks and some beer, go online and fool around with his old League of Legends account; or dive into the newest volumes of one of his favorite comics.
This weekend, however, is nowhere near fun.
After leaving the restaurant with the poor - and definitely transparent - excuse of a sudden headache, Sanghyuk catches a taxi home and heroically resists setting the vehicle on fire out of pure rage.
By the next morning, the anger transforms into bone-deep depression, and then desperate fury, and then resignation, and frustrated sadness once again, in the spin of only a few hours.
He has no idea what to do with himself - truthfully, he just wants to go over at Taekwoon’s and kick his door till his feet hurt, shout at him for being such a fucking dickhead till his throat gets hoarse.
By early afternoon, Sanghyuk decides that he never wants to see Taekwoon’s face ever again. He spends a great deal of time talking to his comic collection, convincing the inanimate objects - that used to hold answers for all his problems in life so far - that he’s done with the guy, and that he never even cared that much anyways, and besides, it’s just so not like him to mope over a heartbreak.
Not that his heart is broken, anyways. Why would it be, they weren’t even really dating, not officially, they never said that, really?!
So technically, Taekwoon had every right to just go ahead and ignore him as soon as Mr. Handsome set foot in the room, right? Because who wouldn’t choose the guy with the face of antique marble angels instead of, well, Sanghyuk…
“Pepper would never do that, would she?” he asks, his voice disappearing in the loud shouts of the newest Iron Man movie, the one that he’s only seen 23 times so far, but still manages to glue his eyes to the screen and take his mind off things.
Or has managed, up till now. Because no matter how hilarious and genius Tony Stark’s witty remarks are, Sanghyuk can’t help his thoughts drifting away from the movie and back to Friday night at the bar. He lies awake at night, body restless but mind too tired to get sleepy, and keeps replaying those few moments over and over and over again till not only his heart, but his head aches devastatingly, too.
It’s really just unfair, Sanghyuk muses, staring at the ceiling hidden in shadows, that Taekwoon is probably all joyous now with Mystery Boy Grand Eyes back in the game, wherever he previously had been. He clearly meant a lot to Taekwoon - heck, Sanghyuk knows that stare, knows it has never been directed at him before, never been directed at anyone save for a few pets before. It’s the gentle, loving stare that opens up Taekwoon’s entire soul and pours it out to those selected few that he thinks are deserving. It’s a special, almost sacred look that Sanghyuk would have never expected to see in Taekwoon’s eyes, not for a person - he might had hoped to see it for himself, someday, maybe. And however shocked his face was, back at the bar, however surprised he looked when he saw this Hongbin guy, his eyes gave him away. Those, and the way he flinched away from Sanghyuk.
And it fucking hurts, because Sanghyuk doesn’t understand, can’t figure out what he could’ve missed, how he could’ve ignored the fact that Taekwoon was, somehow, in some quite uncommon way, already taken. How could he have been such a fool as to let himself believe that there was a chance, to convince himself that things were actually going somewhere with Taekwoon…
The next morning brings meekness and the seeds of forgiveness.
Both for himself and for Taekwoon - clearly, his intentions had been quite obvious, but it was never that Taekwoon really initiated anything, and for all Sanghyuk knows, he could have been just… unsure, just not willing to crush Sanghyuk, just insecure about how to react, because, after all, he’s known from the start that Taekwoon was quite awkward with people.
He’s still hurt, and he still tells his sister over the phone how every guy on Earth is an asshole and how he intends to never date ever again. Well, no more guys, anyways.
That makes his sister laugh - something in Sanghyuk’s chest flutters at the sound, something childish and carefree and just happy, happy with the knowledge that if everyone else fails him, he’ll still have her, always have her.
“Tell me where you guys work! I can slip some laxative in his coffee…” she says, her voice mock-serious, but Sanghyuk still freezes for a second before rolling his eyes.
“Of course you can’t do that!” he sighs, rolling over onto his stomach on the bed, limbs tangling in the Batman-print sheets.
“Why the hell not? You did that to that guy who broke my heart in junior high!”
“I was twelve, noona… And almost got expelled, too. We’re not children anymore, in case you haven’t noticed…”
“Oh I know baby, believe me, I know…” she sighs, and there is something in her voice that tells Sanghyuk she’s rather unhappy about this fact.
“You sure you don’t want me to come over? Get you some good ice-cream and silly chick-flicks and diss on guys for the rest of the afternoon?” she asks for the third time, and although Sanghyuk refuses the offer again, it still makes him feel better. Knowing that she would cancel all her plans just to rush to him, if he asked her to.
“I’m not that heartbroken, anyways. More like disappointed… But I’ll be okay. I promise. Give me a few days and we can laugh over it together…”
“Fine, then. Just keep in mind what I told you. That he doesn’t deserve you, okay? And anyways, it’s only two more weeks and then you’re out of there, back at school, with a campus full of new possibilities… You’re one hot piece of sexy, you know that, right? And my offer to hook you up with one of my friends still stands, by the way.”
Sanghyuk laughs in earnest now, because the usual, cheerful tone is back in her voice as she mocks him, and it just sounds so wonderfully… usual, that he can already feel the shattered puzzle pieces of his world clicking back in place slowly.
And he was telling the truth, too. After he ends the call and allows himself another ten minutes of rolling around in bed, he turns his own words over and over in his head, wondering how it came to this - wondering if his heart was ever truly in the game, for it really isn’t as broken as it is shocked, and for he’s truly more angry at himself, being so easily lead on by Taekwoon than he is at the vet.
It was both their faults, he decides, after all. Taekwoon’s for not being honest, and Sanghyuk’s for not daring to ask him about what he really wanted.
The full realization of what his sister had said hits Sanghyuk like a slap across his face on Monday, with Jaehwan plastering himself all over him, cooing and squishing him and asking about his headache, which, Sanghyuk realizes a little startled, the receptionist actually believed was the cause of him leaving early on Friday. It’s really only two weeks left, and Jaehwan wouldn’t stop blabbering about how much he and Ken are going to miss him. Sanghyuk’s gonna miss them, too, he tells Jaehwan, but there is no need for him to crush Sanghyuk’s bones prematurely.
He is not lying, though. He really will miss them, miss this place once he’s back at the university. He’ll miss all the animals - petite Nicole and Kimberly, the goofy terrier brothers Stan and Pan, calm and shy Lady, he’ll miss Ken and Leo, and he will definitely miss Hakyeon’s motherly antics and Jaehwan’s undecipherable ramblings and Wonshik’s amusing, honest light-heartedness and Taekwoon’s… well. He is already missing every fucking thing about Taekwoon, but he’s way too proud to admit that.
While he retreats to the back for the morning feeding round, he catches a glimpse of Hongbin, holding two mugs and a stack of paper, stepping into Taekwoon’s office, and his stomach clamps before he manages to force his thoughts elsewhere. He can hear Hakyeon singing terribly off-tune in the kitchen, and its terror eases his mind a little. Nothing has changed much, it seems, with Hongbin suddenly around. If he tries hard enough, maybe he can pretend he’s not even there…
He is expecting to find Wonshik on the bench in the back, legs stretched out across the seat, a cigarette hanging from between his fingers and his phone in his other hand, scrolling through something half-asleep - which is exactly how he finds him. Wonshik looks half-asleep alarmingly often. He does sit up, however, when he hears the door open, and after pulling himself up into a sitting position with what looks like tremendous effort, he pats the bench next to him. Sanghyuk sits down after a greeting nod, and they both stay silent for a little while.
Sanghyuk usually enjoys talking, whether it’s discussing actual matters or thoughts or just mindless chit-chat, and Wonshik is a quite good partner in that, but he is thankful for the silence for a change. (He still sees Hongbin’s back disappearing behind Taekwoon’s door and he really, really doesn’t feel like talking.)
They work mostly in blissful silence, until later that morning, when they are in the middle of bathing (or more like washing against her will) Cheesy, the young, part-bolognese dog, whose name Wonshik insists comes from her habit of rolling around in anything and everything that stinks, thus giving her the smell of some very old cheese. Sanghyuk likes to think it’s more because of the line of her black-rimmed mouth that quirks upwards as if the dog was constantly smiling in a rather endearing, mischievous way.
The new owners of Cheesy (a newlywed couple without any children to look after yet) are coming by later that afternoon to pick her up and take her to her new home, and Hakyeon has insisted that they should at least try to get the dog in a “decent, proper” shape, washing out all the dirt and mud and God only knows what else from her originally white fur and keep her somewhere safe and away from her favorite puddles and filth and poo to roll around in.
It takes a good fifteen minutes before Cheesy decides that she actually likes being in the lukewarm water and that she is not frightened by the bubbles of the shampoo anymore, thus giving up the constant struggle to get free and allowing Sanghyuk and Wonshik to bathe her. By that time they are both quite soaked and laughing with frustration because really, the dog barely weighs anything and shouldn’t take two healthy, grown men to hold down. Sanghyuk massages some more shampoo into the finally whitening, long and wet fur, while Wonshik brings yet another bucket of water to rinse away the greyish foam - and for those minutes, Sanghyuk forgets Friday and forgets Hongbin and forgets even Taekwoon. His heart is light and he keeps smiling unknowingly and he thinks that he could probably do this all his life.
“He hasn’t called you during the weekend, has he?” Wonshik asks all of a sudden, and Sanghyuk’s hands freeze, his fingers loosening on Cheesy.
The dog seizes this opportunity to rear up on two feet, pressing her front paws against Sanghyuk’s chest, leaving two, greyish-brown stains.
He doesn’t have to ask Wonshik who he’s talking about.
“No” is all Sanghyuk answers, taken aback. He knows that Wonshik knew, sort of, or at least he was suspecting, and they mentioned Taekwoon, albeit briefly, but it still surprises him that he would ask. That he would care - because there is concern in his voice, not curiousity, not thirst for gossip, none of that. Only discrete but pure concern, and in some twisted way, it warms Sanghyuk’s heart a little because it always feels nice to know that somebody cares. Even if they are not the person whom Sanghyuk wants them to be.
“Listen, kiddo, I… I don’t really know what’s up with those two, and it’s none of my business, really, but… try not to be too harsh on him, okay? I don’t think… I know he doesn’t mean to hurt you, Taekwoon hyung. He would never want that. It’s just that he’s awful when it comes to expressing himself, I think, and Hongbin, he’s a real special person for him and Hakyeon, okay, so there might not even be anything, just… I don’t know…”
Wonshik’s words falter, and Sanghyuk can see that he’s looking for the right things to say desperately. It is kind of funny, actually, since Wonshik is usually good with his words, but mostly it’s just shocking because he’s trying to comfort him now, even though he apparently has no idea what really is going on… and it’s not often that people would do that for Sanghyuk. Not even his friends - well, those people that he calls friends for a lack of any better definition, because he doubts they would ever try to see into him as hard as Wonshik is doing now. Wonshik whom he has only known for a few weeks.
“It’s okay. I’m fine, really” he says, relieving the other boy of his struggles. He’s not even lying. Well, not that much.
“I don’t hate him, if that’s what you are worried about. Neither him nor Hongbin…” he confirms, just in case, but the confusion that flickers in Wonshik’s eyes is a clear indication that he really was not worried about Taekwoon or Hongbin.
“I… okay. Okay, if you say so… But just in case, if you ever feel like it… you know. I might be gay but I’m not a sissy so... just call me if you want and we can go get drunk. Like, good drunk.” he shrugs with a faint smile, and Sanghyuk is happy to return the gesture because he doesn’t really know how to talk about… things that he doesn’t understand, with a guy that doesn’t understand either. Getting drunk sounds like a way easier option.
“I will” he nods, and then “Bitch!” he yells as Cheesy, apparently dissatisfied with the fact that she’s being ignored, jumps out of the sink and bolts for the door, still dripping wet.
~*~
There are multiple occasions during that one week when Sanghyuk seriously considers taking Wonshik’s offer and just knock himself out with something strong. Hongbin is pretty much around all the time which is quite unusual, since Sanghyuk remembers the fit Hakyeon threw when Jaehwan’s (unexpectedly hot and sweet) girlfriend visited them and spent a couple hours at the shelter, insisting that only employees and customers were allowed. He just doesn’t feel like it’s his place to point that out, and the others - well, the others don’t seem to mind.
He doesn’t exactly mind, either - no matter how hard he tries to harbour hard feelings against the guy, it feels kind of impossible, what with his constant friendly smile and quiet words and general interest in everyone’s well-being. He makes really fine coffee, too, and he orders them lunch every day, which makes it hard to protest against his presence - Lee Hongbin just seems like a guy that’s impossible not to like.
Which annoys Sanghyuk that much more, because it makes his gloomy mood seem kind of childish and entirely ridiculous. He blames it on the fact that he’s about to leave the shelter and return to school, when anybody asks (which they all do, including Hongbin, but excluding Taekwoon).
He manages to almost completely avoid the vet all week long - he no longer brings him coffee (Hongbin does that now), and he no longer comes in early, risking bad reviews on his work by neglecting his duties, but Hakyeon never says a word. He only stares, wonder and worry in his eyes, and miraculously manages to find excuses to check on Wonshik and Sanghyuk every hour or so. But then again, the disgustingly lovey-dovey glances he casts at Wonshik kind of explain his intentions, so Sanghyuk doesn’t pay much mind to it, instead just tries to stay out of their way as much as he can.
He gets used to Hongbin’s presence easier than he supposed he would, but he still wonders, still gets curious.
“Does this guy sleep here?” he asks no one in particular, when he comes in one morning, earlier than the rest, and finds Hongbin, whistling a children’s tune quietly while he sweeps the fucking hallways. Ken awakes at this, and casts a tired, one-eyed glance at Sanghyuk before hopping off his seat to half-heartedly pick at his hand resting against the reception counter.
His beak is still strong enough to draw a few drops of blood and he chirps smugly at the loud, painful shriek from Sanghyuk.
“Amazing. Even you are on his side, eh?” he shakes his head in disbelief, before turning on his heels to answer the obnoxious doorbell. It turns out to be Wonshik, who’s left his keys at home - second time that week.
~*~
His last week is so ordinary and uneventful that, in retrospect, he’s surprised he didn’t suspect anything. Hongbin is nowhere to be seen on Monday, nor does he come in any other day after that, and strangely enough, Sanghyuk’s gotten so used to his presence in just a few days that he can actually feel something missing. Not just in the general mood of his co-workers, but also in himself. He tries to push those thoughts into the back of his mind, and focus on work instead - work and the textbooks he’s dug up during the weekend. Going back to school after this summer sounds like the most plain, ridiculous thing ever, but he hopes that he’s going to get used to it quickly. The days fly past faster than he wishes they would, and by the end of the week, he catches himself trying to capture every moment of it, to commit as many small details into memory as possible.
God how much he’s gonna miss this place.
On Friday, after work, he goes to Hakyeon’s office to discuss the report that the manager is going to write on him for the university, but after knocking twice, nobody answers the door. It takes a few moments for Sanghyuk to convince himself to go inside without having been called in, but after he puts his ears against the door to make sure there are no… noises, he finally overcomes the memories.
There is, however, nobody inside. Instead, he finds a note on the desk, addressed to him from Hakyeon, that says he should go to the back where the spare storage rooms are because he would need Sanghyuk’s help and that he should come immediately upon reading the note. Without any second thoughts (big, fat mistake), Sanghyuk heads to the back of the building - and sure enough, he finds Hakyeon, leaning against the door of one of the storage rooms. He looks a little… distressed, but Sanghyuk knows better than to question it (because he also knows that Hakyeon would answer, and if his sweaty forehead and tousled hair have anything to do with Wonshik then Sanghyuk really, really doesn’t want to know).
He walks up to Hakyeon, who suddenly grabs him with a frankly surprising force and a borderline lunatic grin - and that’s how he ends up being shoved into the storage without even much of a chance to protest. There is the distinctive click of a lock coming from the other side, and after the initial shock, Sanghyuk starts shouting, not having the slightest idea what the ever-loving-fuck is going on. He’s so occupied with calling out Hakyeon’s name that he doesn’t even realise that the lights are on and that he is not alone in the room. Not until he hears somebody speaking up quietly behind him.
“He’ll probably come back soon and let us out. Don’t worry.”
Taekwoon’s voice startles Sanghyuk enough that he turns his back at the closed door to stare at the vet, half in disbelief and half in amazement. It’s been long since he last was alone with Taekwoon, and a rush of emotions flood him - anger, disappointment, surprise and, as much as he fights it, overwhelming, joint-shaking, butterflies-in-his-stomach joy. It’s like something that has been askew for a long time finally clicking back in place, like when you forget something really important and monumental and spend hours trying to remember what it was, only for it to come back to you suddenly when you least expect it.
He can control his expressions (or at least he can try), but there is no way to control all his thoughts that rejoice at the sight of Taekwoon, broad shoulders straining the thin fabric of his lab coat, thighs tensing as he draws his legs underneath the chair he’s occupying, and head hanging low, short mops of dark hair casting delicate shadows on his unreadable face. For a split second, Sanghyuk wants nothing more than to step to the man and touch him, trace the proud cheekbones he’s grown so fond of with his fingers, reach under his chin gently and raise his head, tell him it’s alright, tell him to stop worrying, too. And it makes him angry, it makes him terribly furious at himself because that is not how he’s supposed to feel, those are not the kind of thoughts he’s supposed to have, he had decided already and his decision was to abandon those thoughts, to kill them and strangle them and bury them and never let them surface again. It’s just not fair, how little say he has in his own emotions. How, despite all his efforts to try and forget about Taekwoon (an obviously lost case), his heart still starts to race. He almost blushes with all the blood suddenly rushing into his head, making him slightly dizzy and there is a faint tingle in his lips, memories of kisses, the phantom-feel of Taekwoon’s lips against his own.
Sanghyuk squares his shoulders, sets his jaw and resists the urge to answer - instead, he slowly descends to the floor, back against the wall and knees pulled up to his chest. He rests his arms across his knees, forehead against forearm, and stares at the floor, wishing the seconds to tick by faster, wishing this terrible awkwardness to cease, wishing, more than anything, to be able to go home. What was Hakyeon-hyung even thinking, anyways? And why now, when Sanghyuk’s half out the door already?
“Before you even ask… He tricked me, too. He has this... terribly misguided sense of responsibility…” Taekwoon speaks up again, and this time, Sanghyuk’s heart only jumps a little.
“I still don’t get it” he answers, and there is no lie in that - after all, what could Hakyeon possibly accomplish by locking him up with Taekwoon? It’s not even like they have fought and need to make-up, like in the movies.
“Me neither” the vet says, voice even smaller than usual, and Sanghyuk commits the terrible mistake of looking up. He is met with Taekwoon staring straight at him, eyes full of sadness and soft, heart-wrenching fondness and it’s fucking unfair because he has no right to look so sad, only Sanghyuk has the right to be sad about anything, he’s the one wronged - and he forces himself to stop at that, because he promised himself never to go there.
“But I suppose we might as well talk, since there is nothing better to do?” Taekwoon continues, and it’s, as per usual, more of a statement than a question.
“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.” Sanghyuk shakes his head, tearing his eyes away from Taekwoon and fishing his phone out of his pocket. It’s been a good two days since he last beat Wonshik’s record in Fruit Ninja, after all. “I don’t really feel like talking.”
“But I do… and it’s not exactly like you could not listen to what I say now, is it?”
Sanghyuk’s head snaps up at that, utterly confused, but Taekwoon is not looking into his eyes anymore.
“You’ve been avoiding me lately.” Again, no question in his tone, but Sanghyuk is prompted to answer, to retort anyhow, because really!? What the fuck else was he supposed to do? Does Taekwoon really, really not understand how freaking hard all of this has been for Sanghyuk? How it hurt to stop talking to him, to pretend that nothing ever happened, to act like there were never expectations, like all the small things they had, holding hands, interlocking fingers, barely-there kisses, they hadn’t been serious, yes, but there was always a promise in them, always a hope for something more, something fuller until Taekwoon crushed that hope, destroyed Sanghyuk’s dream? Has Sanghyuk really been this delusional, was there never any promise, any want, any wish to try in Taekwoon’s eyes when he looked at him? Not even for a short time… has Sanghyuk really been imagining all of it, everything in the past weeks? If so, why can he still feel the lingering touch on the back of his neck, why can he still remember the glint of the street lamp in Taekwoon’s hair in front of his apartment when he took Sanghyuk home after their movie date?
It doesn’t look like Taekwoon is expecting him to reply, anyways. He sighs - Sanghyuk really, really doesn’t know what to make out of that sigh - and continues speaking.
“I guess you had the right to… And I guess I owe you an explanation, don’t I?”
“No” Sanghyuk snaps, surprising even himself. “No, it’s okay. Really.” he continues, more calm and distant now. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Taekwoon flinches at the coldness in Sanghyuk’s voice, and he can’t help but feel a little satisfied at that. It still doesn’t stop Taekwoon from going on, however, although Sanghyuk really wishes he would just shut the fuck up.
“I just… I want you to know, Sanghyuk. If you don’t care, that’s… that’s okay, too, I suppose. But I still want to tell you. I should have done this… earlier. I just… I didn’t know how to. I’m not good at talking about things, these kind of things, okay? I should’ve warned you, but I thought the others already did.”
Every word sounds like they are being dragged out of Taekwoon, painfully and slowly and mercilessly and Sanghyuk almost tells him to stop, almost gives up the cold demeanour because the satisfaction is all gone, it’s replaced by pity and concern and no matter how Sanghyuk has been in pain, he doesn’t mean to hurt Taekwoon, not really.
“If you decide to hate me, I can’t do anything about it.” he vet says, after a heavy shigh, and he kind of sounds like he doesn’t know where - or how - to start. “But the thing is… you can’t hate Hongbin. He’s… he doesn’t know. It’s not his fault, none of it, he’s… he is a good person, so much better than me. Better than anyone I’ve ever known.”
Sanghyuk gives out a startled, bitter chuckle at that, not quite believing his own ears. Has he… Is this really what Taekwoon wants to tell him about, Hongbin? Does Taekwoon actually care more about what Sanghyuk thinks of Hongbin than of himself? He looks at Taekwoon, slowly shaking his head, studying the determined but still troubled features of the vet, trying to make some sense out of this whole mess, and the realization is slowly and painfully drawing on him. Sanghyuk is finally starting to see just how important this guy is for Taekwoon, just how ridiculously hopeless his teenager-like crush really was in the first place, and it’s not a recognition without even more bitterness.
“You see, this whole place, we never told you about it, did we? The story of the shelter… how we came to establish it in the first place. It was, kind of, our childhood dream, you know. Or, more like Hongbin’s, actually, and we just went with it, I guess, because neither of us could ever say no to him.” Taekwoon’s voice is steady now, deep and nostalgic and melodious, and Sanghyuk finds it impossible not to turn towards him, not to listen with delight, not to let his soul bask in the soft velvet of it.
“We grew up together, you see, Hakyeon and Hongbin and me. Their mothers are sisters, and me and Hakyeon, we were neighbours when we were little. His mother stayed at home, but mine had to work late, and Hongbin’s worked for a company. She married the CEO’s son… He is the CEO now, Hongbin’s father. Our mothers were away a lot, and Hakyeon’s mom was looking after us… the two of us when we were really young, and then the three of us, after Hongbin was born. I still remember that day. I was over at their place when the call came, that Hakyeon’s baby cousin was born, and his mother rushed to the hospital and took us with her. He was the tiniest thing… we were mesmerized by how little he was, laying in his mother’s arm and looking up at us with these huge, huge eyes. It was like a holy quest bestowed upon the two of us, you know? Or that’s how we thought of it, at least, to take care of his little cousin, to protect him.”
Sanghyuk is dumbfounded by how much Taekwoon talks - he doesn’t think he’s ever heard him speak this much about himself, and although he still doesn’t quite understand what all of this has to do with him, how Taekwoon’s childhood comes in the picture, he can’t bring himself to protest. There is a strange mixture of curiosity, amazement and sadness clogging up his throat, and Sanghyuk doesn’t think he could say a word, even if he wanted to.
“We were about seven or eight, I think, when we found this abandoned kitten, down the street, by a garbage container. It was dead already, and Hongbin was devastated. He kind of grew up in a bubble, I think, protected even from the wind, by his parents and by us, too. He started crying, the saddest cry I have ever heard, and that was when we decided, the three of us, that when we grew up, we would do everything to prevent things like that.
And we never forgot that. I… I would have done anything Hongbin asked me to. I would have walked to the end of the world and back, if he wanted me to. And Hakyeon is the same with the two of us… but he’s had a lot of friends, though. When we grew older, when we went to school. He was my best friend, but he was friends with almost all the kids, and I, I only had him and Hongbin, and Hakyeon was always like… like looking into the mirror. Like something that was always there, I can’t even remember ever being without him.”
Taekwoon’s voice falters for a second, almost as if he has stopped talking, and he raises his head to look directly into Sanghyuk’s eyes, determined - and slightly trembling. Sanghyuk knows what is about to come, even before he hears it, and for some reason, he still feels grateful that Taekwoon is finally saying it, finally admitting it to him, even though it comes as a blow in the stomach.
“I have been in love with Hongbin forever, truthfully. From the very first moment I was old enough to understand the concept of… of that kind of love, of romantic love, it was always Hongbin. There were others, tries or adventures, you could say, but never relationships, never… love, other than him.”
Funny, Sanghyuk thinks, how once you hear the truth you’ve been dreading, once it’s out in the open, it doesn’t seem all that mysterious anymore.
“Or at least…” Taekwoon continues, and Sanghyuk blinks rapidly in confusion, because Taekwoon looks away again, and goes quiet, incredibly quiet “at least that’s what I thought.”
“I never told him, though. I never told Hakyeon either, but I didn’t exactly keep it a secret from him, and I think - I thought - he figured it out on his own. But I was always so careful not to let Hongbin know. Not to burden him with it… for one, he was never into guys, that much was evident, and secondly, because I know him, I know he would have tried to console me, heck he may even have tried to go out with me, just for the sake of my feelings, because he’s like that… He never thinks of himself first, but always of others. I couldn’t have that, I couldn’t possibly have put the weight of my own stupid feelings on his shoulders. Especially since he already had so many things to worry about.
He is to take over his father’s company, we always knew that, it’s just how it works, and his father, he would have never let him do anything as silly as working at an animal shelter… We told him to stand his ground, to tell his father that he didn’t want to work for any company, that he didn’t want the dull life of an office worker, he was just so much… more special than that. He was always the artist, loved photography and he was good at it, too… But he still obeyed him.
He joined the company and works for them, does everything his father tells him to, because… Because as long as he does, he lets Hongbin fund the shelter. The money he makes, almost all of it, he gives to us, and he works his ass off with people he doesn’t even like, for this shelter to live. That’s how Lee Hongbin is.”
It feels like there is a pause where Taekwoon might expect Sanghyuk to say something, to answer or just to indicate that he’s listening. But by now, the understanding weighs him down so heavily he finds it hard to even breathe.
“Anyways, what I mean is… I guess, since you belonged here for some time, I just thought you ought to know the story of our shelter. And why Hongbin was here last week… he was given a vacation. He spends an awful lot of time overseas now, we barely get to see each other, and he doesn’t say a word, he never really complains, but I know it’s getting harder and harder on him. I just… didn’t want you to have any bad feelings for him. He doesn’t deserve any of that.
I do. I know I do, because I didn’t tell you about him sooner. I hoped… I guess, for a short time, that I could finally move on, and I hoped that when he comes back the next time, and you will be there, I could just be to him what he always thought I was - a good friend that he can count on. I never meant to… lie to him, or to you. I never meant to hurt you.” There is a long, long second where everything goes so silent that Sanghyuk can practically hear the thumps of two hearts, beating to different rhythms, but still, still harmonizing, and then…
“I am sorry, Sanghyuk. I really am.”
By then, Sanghyuk can’t decide whether to cry or to shout at Taekwoon, but when he opens his mouth to finally say something, all that comes out is a sour snort, followed by more hard, thoughtful silence.
“I wasn’t angry at him. Everyone seems to have this weird concept of me hating others, I wonder why that happens. But you didn’t have to worry about that… Of course I’d have told you, if you asked.” he finally says, picking out each word carefully. Taekwoon is not looking up at him again, and it kind of bothers Sanghyuk, because now, more than ever, he wants to know what Taekwoon thinks at the moment.
“I wasn’t even angry at you… well, not that much. I was angry at myself, more than anything. At my stupidity and my naivety. I read much more into things than I should’ve. And I never asked you either. I never asked what you wanted, just… went after my head, I guess. After my instincts. I thought you liked me, but you never said that you did, so… yeah. Whatever. It’s fine - I’m fine” he says, and even to his own ears, he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, more than Taekwoon. Not that it matters anymore. He really only has to convince himself now, and maybe, just maybe, saying it out loud over and over again would help.
Still, Taekwoon looks genuinely surprised. He opens his mouth, as if to say something, but suddenly a loud, scratching noise comes from the other side of the door, followed by excited barking, and they both jump to their feet, startled.
“Leo! Leo, baby boy, is that you?” Sanghyuk asks, leaning against the cool surface of the door, although it is a kind of stupid question, because he can recognize Leo’s bark just as easily as his owner.
Taekwoon gives him a bewildered, confused glance, but an idea is already forming in Sanghyuk’s head, and as crazy as it sounds, he still has to try.
“Leo, listen to me! I need you to bring Hakyeon hyung here! Do you understand me? Come on, boy, fetch Hakyeon for us! Come on, I know you can do it!” he says, each word carefully enunciated, and they hear the barking again, followed by the faint echo of four clawed feet running down the hallway.
“Do you really think that would work?” Taekwoon asks, chuckling, but the hopeful glint in his eyes gives him away.
“You ought to trust your own dog more than that” Sanghyuk shakes his head, not backing away from the door. Taekwoon is standing right next to him, his shoulder slightly pressing against him as he shuffles on his feet, and Sanghyuk’s heart jumps into his throat. Damn.
For long, nerve-straining moments, nothing happens, and Sanghyuk is just about to give up and sink back to the floor, when they hear an angry shout.
“Hey! Hey stop, you monster! Release me, for the last time, release me! I am going to have you put down, you rabid beast, fuck that was a really expensive shirt!”
Sanghyuk tries - and fails - to hold back his laughter at Hakyeon’s indignant shrieking, but soon enough, there is a key sliding into the lock from the outside, and they nearly fall out of the storage room as the door suddenly flies open.
“For the love of God, do something about this animal, it almost tore my arm out!” the manager rolls his eyes angrily, one hand caressing the torn sleeve of his shirt gently.
Sanghyuk crouches immediately to pat Leo’s head, smiling widely at the proud yowling and tail-wiggling, and Leo jumps up at him happily, nearly knocking him over. He’s so glad to finally see the dog that he almost misses as Taekwoon murmurs a quiet but honest “fuck you” under his breath, before promptly punching the manager, straight on the chin, with an incredibly quick (and strong) fist.
~*~(oh dear lord it didn't go up in 3 parts why sorry pt3 and pt4 are kinda short on their own :S)
(part 4)
Generally speaking, Sanghyuk likes weekends.
He likes the freedom of getting up whenever he feels like it, of being able to laze around in his bed in the languid morning light, till the fresh start of the day fades into noon and his stomach starts to growl hungrily. He enjoys taking his time deciding what to do with the free hours, picking out a movie to watch with a friend, or go shopping with his mother, or just grab his wallet and wander around downtown, maybe meet up with someone in a coffee shop or at a bar. Occasionally, he’d go out clubbing with some college friends, or just wrap himself in a blanket, surrounded by numerous bags of snacks and some beer, go online and fool around with his old League of Legends account; or dive into the newest volumes of one of his favorite comics.
This weekend, however, is nowhere near fun.
After leaving the restaurant with the poor - and definitely transparent - excuse of a sudden headache, Sanghyuk catches a taxi home and heroically resists setting the vehicle on fire out of pure rage.
By the next morning, the anger transforms into bone-deep depression, and then desperate fury, and then resignation, and frustrated sadness once again, in the spin of only a few hours.
He has no idea what to do with himself - truthfully, he just wants to go over at Taekwoon’s and kick his door till his feet hurt, shout at him for being such a fucking dickhead till his throat gets hoarse.
By early afternoon, Sanghyuk decides that he never wants to see Taekwoon’s face ever again. He spends a great deal of time talking to his comic collection, convincing the inanimate objects - that used to hold answers for all his problems in life so far - that he’s done with the guy, and that he never even cared that much anyways, and besides, it’s just so not like him to mope over a heartbreak.
Not that his heart is broken, anyways. Why would it be, they weren’t even really dating, not officially, they never said that, really?!
So technically, Taekwoon had every right to just go ahead and ignore him as soon as Mr. Handsome set foot in the room, right? Because who wouldn’t choose the guy with the face of antique marble angels instead of, well, Sanghyuk…
“Pepper would never do that, would she?” he asks, his voice disappearing in the loud shouts of the newest Iron Man movie, the one that he’s only seen 23 times so far, but still manages to glue his eyes to the screen and take his mind off things.
Or has managed, up till now. Because no matter how hilarious and genius Tony Stark’s witty remarks are, Sanghyuk can’t help his thoughts drifting away from the movie and back to Friday night at the bar. He lies awake at night, body restless but mind too tired to get sleepy, and keeps replaying those few moments over and over and over again till not only his heart, but his head aches devastatingly, too.
It’s really just unfair, Sanghyuk muses, staring at the ceiling hidden in shadows, that Taekwoon is probably all joyous now with Mystery Boy Grand Eyes back in the game, wherever he previously had been. He clearly meant a lot to Taekwoon - heck, Sanghyuk knows that stare, knows it has never been directed at him before, never been directed at anyone save for a few pets before. It’s the gentle, loving stare that opens up Taekwoon’s entire soul and pours it out to those selected few that he thinks are deserving. It’s a special, almost sacred look that Sanghyuk would have never expected to see in Taekwoon’s eyes, not for a person - he might had hoped to see it for himself, someday, maybe. And however shocked his face was, back at the bar, however surprised he looked when he saw this Hongbin guy, his eyes gave him away. Those, and the way he flinched away from Sanghyuk.
And it fucking hurts, because Sanghyuk doesn’t understand, can’t figure out what he could’ve missed, how he could’ve ignored the fact that Taekwoon was, somehow, in some quite uncommon way, already taken. How could he have been such a fool as to let himself believe that there was a chance, to convince himself that things were actually going somewhere with Taekwoon…
The next morning brings meekness and the seeds of forgiveness.
Both for himself and for Taekwoon - clearly, his intentions had been quite obvious, but it was never that Taekwoon really initiated anything, and for all Sanghyuk knows, he could have been just… unsure, just not willing to crush Sanghyuk, just insecure about how to react, because, after all, he’s known from the start that Taekwoon was quite awkward with people.
He’s still hurt, and he still tells his sister over the phone how every guy on Earth is an asshole and how he intends to never date ever again. Well, no more guys, anyways.
That makes his sister laugh - something in Sanghyuk’s chest flutters at the sound, something childish and carefree and just happy, happy with the knowledge that if everyone else fails him, he’ll still have her, always have her.
“Tell me where you guys work! I can slip some laxative in his coffee…” she says, her voice mock-serious, but Sanghyuk still freezes for a second before rolling his eyes.
“Of course you can’t do that!” he sighs, rolling over onto his stomach on the bed, limbs tangling in the Batman-print sheets.
“Why the hell not? You did that to that guy who broke my heart in junior high!”
“I was twelve, noona… And almost got expelled, too. We’re not children anymore, in case you haven’t noticed…”
“Oh I know baby, believe me, I know…” she sighs, and there is something in her voice that tells Sanghyuk she’s rather unhappy about this fact.
“You sure you don’t want me to come over? Get you some good ice-cream and silly chick-flicks and diss on guys for the rest of the afternoon?” she asks for the third time, and although Sanghyuk refuses the offer again, it still makes him feel better. Knowing that she would cancel all her plans just to rush to him, if he asked her to.
“I’m not that heartbroken, anyways. More like disappointed… But I’ll be okay. I promise. Give me a few days and we can laugh over it together…”
“Fine, then. Just keep in mind what I told you. That he doesn’t deserve you, okay? And anyways, it’s only two more weeks and then you’re out of there, back at school, with a campus full of new possibilities… You’re one hot piece of sexy, you know that, right? And my offer to hook you up with one of my friends still stands, by the way.”
Sanghyuk laughs in earnest now, because the usual, cheerful tone is back in her voice as she mocks him, and it just sounds so wonderfully… usual, that he can already feel the shattered puzzle pieces of his world clicking back in place slowly.
And he was telling the truth, too. After he ends the call and allows himself another ten minutes of rolling around in bed, he turns his own words over and over in his head, wondering how it came to this - wondering if his heart was ever truly in the game, for it really isn’t as broken as it is shocked, and for he’s truly more angry at himself, being so easily lead on by Taekwoon than he is at the vet.
It was both their faults, he decides, after all. Taekwoon’s for not being honest, and Sanghyuk’s for not daring to ask him about what he really wanted.
The full realization of what his sister had said hits Sanghyuk like a slap across his face on Monday, with Jaehwan plastering himself all over him, cooing and squishing him and asking about his headache, which, Sanghyuk realizes a little startled, the receptionist actually believed was the cause of him leaving early on Friday. It’s really only two weeks left, and Jaehwan wouldn’t stop blabbering about how much he and Ken are going to miss him. Sanghyuk’s gonna miss them, too, he tells Jaehwan, but there is no need for him to crush Sanghyuk’s bones prematurely.
He is not lying, though. He really will miss them, miss this place once he’s back at the university. He’ll miss all the animals - petite Nicole and Kimberly, the goofy terrier brothers Stan and Pan, calm and shy Lady, he’ll miss Ken and Leo, and he will definitely miss Hakyeon’s motherly antics and Jaehwan’s undecipherable ramblings and Wonshik’s amusing, honest light-heartedness and Taekwoon’s… well. He is already missing every fucking thing about Taekwoon, but he’s way too proud to admit that.
While he retreats to the back for the morning feeding round, he catches a glimpse of Hongbin, holding two mugs and a stack of paper, stepping into Taekwoon’s office, and his stomach clamps before he manages to force his thoughts elsewhere. He can hear Hakyeon singing terribly off-tune in the kitchen, and its terror eases his mind a little. Nothing has changed much, it seems, with Hongbin suddenly around. If he tries hard enough, maybe he can pretend he’s not even there…
He is expecting to find Wonshik on the bench in the back, legs stretched out across the seat, a cigarette hanging from between his fingers and his phone in his other hand, scrolling through something half-asleep - which is exactly how he finds him. Wonshik looks half-asleep alarmingly often. He does sit up, however, when he hears the door open, and after pulling himself up into a sitting position with what looks like tremendous effort, he pats the bench next to him. Sanghyuk sits down after a greeting nod, and they both stay silent for a little while.
Sanghyuk usually enjoys talking, whether it’s discussing actual matters or thoughts or just mindless chit-chat, and Wonshik is a quite good partner in that, but he is thankful for the silence for a change. (He still sees Hongbin’s back disappearing behind Taekwoon’s door and he really, really doesn’t feel like talking.)
They work mostly in blissful silence, until later that morning, when they are in the middle of bathing (or more like washing against her will) Cheesy, the young, part-bolognese dog, whose name Wonshik insists comes from her habit of rolling around in anything and everything that stinks, thus giving her the smell of some very old cheese. Sanghyuk likes to think it’s more because of the line of her black-rimmed mouth that quirks upwards as if the dog was constantly smiling in a rather endearing, mischievous way.
The new owners of Cheesy (a newlywed couple without any children to look after yet) are coming by later that afternoon to pick her up and take her to her new home, and Hakyeon has insisted that they should at least try to get the dog in a “decent, proper” shape, washing out all the dirt and mud and God only knows what else from her originally white fur and keep her somewhere safe and away from her favorite puddles and filth and poo to roll around in.
It takes a good fifteen minutes before Cheesy decides that she actually likes being in the lukewarm water and that she is not frightened by the bubbles of the shampoo anymore, thus giving up the constant struggle to get free and allowing Sanghyuk and Wonshik to bathe her. By that time they are both quite soaked and laughing with frustration because really, the dog barely weighs anything and shouldn’t take two healthy, grown men to hold down. Sanghyuk massages some more shampoo into the finally whitening, long and wet fur, while Wonshik brings yet another bucket of water to rinse away the greyish foam - and for those minutes, Sanghyuk forgets Friday and forgets Hongbin and forgets even Taekwoon. His heart is light and he keeps smiling unknowingly and he thinks that he could probably do this all his life.
“He hasn’t called you during the weekend, has he?” Wonshik asks all of a sudden, and Sanghyuk’s hands freeze, his fingers loosening on Cheesy.
The dog seizes this opportunity to rear up on two feet, pressing her front paws against Sanghyuk’s chest, leaving two, greyish-brown stains.
He doesn’t have to ask Wonshik who he’s talking about.
“No” is all Sanghyuk answers, taken aback. He knows that Wonshik knew, sort of, or at least he was suspecting, and they mentioned Taekwoon, albeit briefly, but it still surprises him that he would ask. That he would care - because there is concern in his voice, not curiousity, not thirst for gossip, none of that. Only discrete but pure concern, and in some twisted way, it warms Sanghyuk’s heart a little because it always feels nice to know that somebody cares. Even if they are not the person whom Sanghyuk wants them to be.
“Listen, kiddo, I… I don’t really know what’s up with those two, and it’s none of my business, really, but… try not to be too harsh on him, okay? I don’t think… I know he doesn’t mean to hurt you, Taekwoon hyung. He would never want that. It’s just that he’s awful when it comes to expressing himself, I think, and Hongbin, he’s a real special person for him and Hakyeon, okay, so there might not even be anything, just… I don’t know…”
Wonshik’s words falter, and Sanghyuk can see that he’s looking for the right things to say desperately. It is kind of funny, actually, since Wonshik is usually good with his words, but mostly it’s just shocking because he’s trying to comfort him now, even though he apparently has no idea what really is going on… and it’s not often that people would do that for Sanghyuk. Not even his friends - well, those people that he calls friends for a lack of any better definition, because he doubts they would ever try to see into him as hard as Wonshik is doing now. Wonshik whom he has only known for a few weeks.
“It’s okay. I’m fine, really” he says, relieving the other boy of his struggles. He’s not even lying. Well, not that much.
“I don’t hate him, if that’s what you are worried about. Neither him nor Hongbin…” he confirms, just in case, but the confusion that flickers in Wonshik’s eyes is a clear indication that he really was not worried about Taekwoon or Hongbin.
“I… okay. Okay, if you say so… But just in case, if you ever feel like it… you know. I might be gay but I’m not a sissy so... just call me if you want and we can go get drunk. Like, good drunk.” he shrugs with a faint smile, and Sanghyuk is happy to return the gesture because he doesn’t really know how to talk about… things that he doesn’t understand, with a guy that doesn’t understand either. Getting drunk sounds like a way easier option.
“I will” he nods, and then “Bitch!” he yells as Cheesy, apparently dissatisfied with the fact that she’s being ignored, jumps out of the sink and bolts for the door, still dripping wet.
~*~
There are multiple occasions during that one week when Sanghyuk seriously considers taking Wonshik’s offer and just knock himself out with something strong. Hongbin is pretty much around all the time which is quite unusual, since Sanghyuk remembers the fit Hakyeon threw when Jaehwan’s (unexpectedly hot and sweet) girlfriend visited them and spent a couple hours at the shelter, insisting that only employees and customers were allowed. He just doesn’t feel like it’s his place to point that out, and the others - well, the others don’t seem to mind.
He doesn’t exactly mind, either - no matter how hard he tries to harbour hard feelings against the guy, it feels kind of impossible, what with his constant friendly smile and quiet words and general interest in everyone’s well-being. He makes really fine coffee, too, and he orders them lunch every day, which makes it hard to protest against his presence - Lee Hongbin just seems like a guy that’s impossible not to like.
Which annoys Sanghyuk that much more, because it makes his gloomy mood seem kind of childish and entirely ridiculous. He blames it on the fact that he’s about to leave the shelter and return to school, when anybody asks (which they all do, including Hongbin, but excluding Taekwoon).
He manages to almost completely avoid the vet all week long - he no longer brings him coffee (Hongbin does that now), and he no longer comes in early, risking bad reviews on his work by neglecting his duties, but Hakyeon never says a word. He only stares, wonder and worry in his eyes, and miraculously manages to find excuses to check on Wonshik and Sanghyuk every hour or so. But then again, the disgustingly lovey-dovey glances he casts at Wonshik kind of explain his intentions, so Sanghyuk doesn’t pay much mind to it, instead just tries to stay out of their way as much as he can.
He gets used to Hongbin’s presence easier than he supposed he would, but he still wonders, still gets curious.
“Does this guy sleep here?” he asks no one in particular, when he comes in one morning, earlier than the rest, and finds Hongbin, whistling a children’s tune quietly while he sweeps the fucking hallways. Ken awakes at this, and casts a tired, one-eyed glance at Sanghyuk before hopping off his seat to half-heartedly pick at his hand resting against the reception counter.
His beak is still strong enough to draw a few drops of blood and he chirps smugly at the loud, painful shriek from Sanghyuk.
“Amazing. Even you are on his side, eh?” he shakes his head in disbelief, before turning on his heels to answer the obnoxious doorbell. It turns out to be Wonshik, who’s left his keys at home - second time that week.
~*~
His last week is so ordinary and uneventful that, in retrospect, he’s surprised he didn’t suspect anything. Hongbin is nowhere to be seen on Monday, nor does he come in any other day after that, and strangely enough, Sanghyuk’s gotten so used to his presence in just a few days that he can actually feel something missing. Not just in the general mood of his co-workers, but also in himself. He tries to push those thoughts into the back of his mind, and focus on work instead - work and the textbooks he’s dug up during the weekend. Going back to school after this summer sounds like the most plain, ridiculous thing ever, but he hopes that he’s going to get used to it quickly. The days fly past faster than he wishes they would, and by the end of the week, he catches himself trying to capture every moment of it, to commit as many small details into memory as possible.
God how much he’s gonna miss this place.
On Friday, after work, he goes to Hakyeon’s office to discuss the report that the manager is going to write on him for the university, but after knocking twice, nobody answers the door. It takes a few moments for Sanghyuk to convince himself to go inside without having been called in, but after he puts his ears against the door to make sure there are no… noises, he finally overcomes the memories.
There is, however, nobody inside. Instead, he finds a note on the desk, addressed to him from Hakyeon, that says he should go to the back where the spare storage rooms are because he would need Sanghyuk’s help and that he should come immediately upon reading the note. Without any second thoughts (big, fat mistake), Sanghyuk heads to the back of the building - and sure enough, he finds Hakyeon, leaning against the door of one of the storage rooms. He looks a little… distressed, but Sanghyuk knows better than to question it (because he also knows that Hakyeon would answer, and if his sweaty forehead and tousled hair have anything to do with Wonshik then Sanghyuk really, really doesn’t want to know).
He walks up to Hakyeon, who suddenly grabs him with a frankly surprising force and a borderline lunatic grin - and that’s how he ends up being shoved into the storage without even much of a chance to protest. There is the distinctive click of a lock coming from the other side, and after the initial shock, Sanghyuk starts shouting, not having the slightest idea what the ever-loving-fuck is going on. He’s so occupied with calling out Hakyeon’s name that he doesn’t even realise that the lights are on and that he is not alone in the room. Not until he hears somebody speaking up quietly behind him.
“He’ll probably come back soon and let us out. Don’t worry.”
Taekwoon’s voice startles Sanghyuk enough that he turns his back at the closed door to stare at the vet, half in disbelief and half in amazement. It’s been long since he last was alone with Taekwoon, and a rush of emotions flood him - anger, disappointment, surprise and, as much as he fights it, overwhelming, joint-shaking, butterflies-in-his-stomach joy. It’s like something that has been askew for a long time finally clicking back in place, like when you forget something really important and monumental and spend hours trying to remember what it was, only for it to come back to you suddenly when you least expect it.
He can control his expressions (or at least he can try), but there is no way to control all his thoughts that rejoice at the sight of Taekwoon, broad shoulders straining the thin fabric of his lab coat, thighs tensing as he draws his legs underneath the chair he’s occupying, and head hanging low, short mops of dark hair casting delicate shadows on his unreadable face. For a split second, Sanghyuk wants nothing more than to step to the man and touch him, trace the proud cheekbones he’s grown so fond of with his fingers, reach under his chin gently and raise his head, tell him it’s alright, tell him to stop worrying, too. And it makes him angry, it makes him terribly furious at himself because that is not how he’s supposed to feel, those are not the kind of thoughts he’s supposed to have, he had decided already and his decision was to abandon those thoughts, to kill them and strangle them and bury them and never let them surface again. It’s just not fair, how little say he has in his own emotions. How, despite all his efforts to try and forget about Taekwoon (an obviously lost case), his heart still starts to race. He almost blushes with all the blood suddenly rushing into his head, making him slightly dizzy and there is a faint tingle in his lips, memories of kisses, the phantom-feel of Taekwoon’s lips against his own.
Sanghyuk squares his shoulders, sets his jaw and resists the urge to answer - instead, he slowly descends to the floor, back against the wall and knees pulled up to his chest. He rests his arms across his knees, forehead against forearm, and stares at the floor, wishing the seconds to tick by faster, wishing this terrible awkwardness to cease, wishing, more than anything, to be able to go home. What was Hakyeon-hyung even thinking, anyways? And why now, when Sanghyuk’s half out the door already?
“Before you even ask… He tricked me, too. He has this... terribly misguided sense of responsibility…” Taekwoon speaks up again, and this time, Sanghyuk’s heart only jumps a little.
“I still don’t get it” he answers, and there is no lie in that - after all, what could Hakyeon possibly accomplish by locking him up with Taekwoon? It’s not even like they have fought and need to make-up, like in the movies.
“Me neither” the vet says, voice even smaller than usual, and Sanghyuk commits the terrible mistake of looking up. He is met with Taekwoon staring straight at him, eyes full of sadness and soft, heart-wrenching fondness and it’s fucking unfair because he has no right to look so sad, only Sanghyuk has the right to be sad about anything, he’s the one wronged - and he forces himself to stop at that, because he promised himself never to go there.
“But I suppose we might as well talk, since there is nothing better to do?” Taekwoon continues, and it’s, as per usual, more of a statement than a question.
“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.” Sanghyuk shakes his head, tearing his eyes away from Taekwoon and fishing his phone out of his pocket. It’s been a good two days since he last beat Wonshik’s record in Fruit Ninja, after all. “I don’t really feel like talking.”
“But I do… and it’s not exactly like you could not listen to what I say now, is it?”
Sanghyuk’s head snaps up at that, utterly confused, but Taekwoon is not looking into his eyes anymore.
“You’ve been avoiding me lately.” Again, no question in his tone, but Sanghyuk is prompted to answer, to retort anyhow, because really!? What the fuck else was he supposed to do? Does Taekwoon really, really not understand how freaking hard all of this has been for Sanghyuk? How it hurt to stop talking to him, to pretend that nothing ever happened, to act like there were never expectations, like all the small things they had, holding hands, interlocking fingers, barely-there kisses, they hadn’t been serious, yes, but there was always a promise in them, always a hope for something more, something fuller until Taekwoon crushed that hope, destroyed Sanghyuk’s dream? Has Sanghyuk really been this delusional, was there never any promise, any want, any wish to try in Taekwoon’s eyes when he looked at him? Not even for a short time… has Sanghyuk really been imagining all of it, everything in the past weeks? If so, why can he still feel the lingering touch on the back of his neck, why can he still remember the glint of the street lamp in Taekwoon’s hair in front of his apartment when he took Sanghyuk home after their movie date?
It doesn’t look like Taekwoon is expecting him to reply, anyways. He sighs - Sanghyuk really, really doesn’t know what to make out of that sigh - and continues speaking.
“I guess you had the right to… And I guess I owe you an explanation, don’t I?”
“No” Sanghyuk snaps, surprising even himself. “No, it’s okay. Really.” he continues, more calm and distant now. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Taekwoon flinches at the coldness in Sanghyuk’s voice, and he can’t help but feel a little satisfied at that. It still doesn’t stop Taekwoon from going on, however, although Sanghyuk really wishes he would just shut the fuck up.
“I just… I want you to know, Sanghyuk. If you don’t care, that’s… that’s okay, too, I suppose. But I still want to tell you. I should have done this… earlier. I just… I didn’t know how to. I’m not good at talking about things, these kind of things, okay? I should’ve warned you, but I thought the others already did.”
Every word sounds like they are being dragged out of Taekwoon, painfully and slowly and mercilessly and Sanghyuk almost tells him to stop, almost gives up the cold demeanour because the satisfaction is all gone, it’s replaced by pity and concern and no matter how Sanghyuk has been in pain, he doesn’t mean to hurt Taekwoon, not really.
“If you decide to hate me, I can’t do anything about it.” he vet says, after a heavy shigh, and he kind of sounds like he doesn’t know where - or how - to start. “But the thing is… you can’t hate Hongbin. He’s… he doesn’t know. It’s not his fault, none of it, he’s… he is a good person, so much better than me. Better than anyone I’ve ever known.”
Sanghyuk gives out a startled, bitter chuckle at that, not quite believing his own ears. Has he… Is this really what Taekwoon wants to tell him about, Hongbin? Does Taekwoon actually care more about what Sanghyuk thinks of Hongbin than of himself? He looks at Taekwoon, slowly shaking his head, studying the determined but still troubled features of the vet, trying to make some sense out of this whole mess, and the realization is slowly and painfully drawing on him. Sanghyuk is finally starting to see just how important this guy is for Taekwoon, just how ridiculously hopeless his teenager-like crush really was in the first place, and it’s not a recognition without even more bitterness.
“You see, this whole place, we never told you about it, did we? The story of the shelter… how we came to establish it in the first place. It was, kind of, our childhood dream, you know. Or, more like Hongbin’s, actually, and we just went with it, I guess, because neither of us could ever say no to him.” Taekwoon’s voice is steady now, deep and nostalgic and melodious, and Sanghyuk finds it impossible not to turn towards him, not to listen with delight, not to let his soul bask in the soft velvet of it.
“We grew up together, you see, Hakyeon and Hongbin and me. Their mothers are sisters, and me and Hakyeon, we were neighbours when we were little. His mother stayed at home, but mine had to work late, and Hongbin’s worked for a company. She married the CEO’s son… He is the CEO now, Hongbin’s father. Our mothers were away a lot, and Hakyeon’s mom was looking after us… the two of us when we were really young, and then the three of us, after Hongbin was born. I still remember that day. I was over at their place when the call came, that Hakyeon’s baby cousin was born, and his mother rushed to the hospital and took us with her. He was the tiniest thing… we were mesmerized by how little he was, laying in his mother’s arm and looking up at us with these huge, huge eyes. It was like a holy quest bestowed upon the two of us, you know? Or that’s how we thought of it, at least, to take care of his little cousin, to protect him.”
Sanghyuk is dumbfounded by how much Taekwoon talks - he doesn’t think he’s ever heard him speak this much about himself, and although he still doesn’t quite understand what all of this has to do with him, how Taekwoon’s childhood comes in the picture, he can’t bring himself to protest. There is a strange mixture of curiosity, amazement and sadness clogging up his throat, and Sanghyuk doesn’t think he could say a word, even if he wanted to.
“We were about seven or eight, I think, when we found this abandoned kitten, down the street, by a garbage container. It was dead already, and Hongbin was devastated. He kind of grew up in a bubble, I think, protected even from the wind, by his parents and by us, too. He started crying, the saddest cry I have ever heard, and that was when we decided, the three of us, that when we grew up, we would do everything to prevent things like that.
And we never forgot that. I… I would have done anything Hongbin asked me to. I would have walked to the end of the world and back, if he wanted me to. And Hakyeon is the same with the two of us… but he’s had a lot of friends, though. When we grew older, when we went to school. He was my best friend, but he was friends with almost all the kids, and I, I only had him and Hongbin, and Hakyeon was always like… like looking into the mirror. Like something that was always there, I can’t even remember ever being without him.”
Taekwoon’s voice falters for a second, almost as if he has stopped talking, and he raises his head to look directly into Sanghyuk’s eyes, determined - and slightly trembling. Sanghyuk knows what is about to come, even before he hears it, and for some reason, he still feels grateful that Taekwoon is finally saying it, finally admitting it to him, even though it comes as a blow in the stomach.
“I have been in love with Hongbin forever, truthfully. From the very first moment I was old enough to understand the concept of… of that kind of love, of romantic love, it was always Hongbin. There were others, tries or adventures, you could say, but never relationships, never… love, other than him.”
Funny, Sanghyuk thinks, how once you hear the truth you’ve been dreading, once it’s out in the open, it doesn’t seem all that mysterious anymore.
“Or at least…” Taekwoon continues, and Sanghyuk blinks rapidly in confusion, because Taekwoon looks away again, and goes quiet, incredibly quiet “at least that’s what I thought.”
“I never told him, though. I never told Hakyeon either, but I didn’t exactly keep it a secret from him, and I think - I thought - he figured it out on his own. But I was always so careful not to let Hongbin know. Not to burden him with it… for one, he was never into guys, that much was evident, and secondly, because I know him, I know he would have tried to console me, heck he may even have tried to go out with me, just for the sake of my feelings, because he’s like that… He never thinks of himself first, but always of others. I couldn’t have that, I couldn’t possibly have put the weight of my own stupid feelings on his shoulders. Especially since he already had so many things to worry about.
He is to take over his father’s company, we always knew that, it’s just how it works, and his father, he would have never let him do anything as silly as working at an animal shelter… We told him to stand his ground, to tell his father that he didn’t want to work for any company, that he didn’t want the dull life of an office worker, he was just so much… more special than that. He was always the artist, loved photography and he was good at it, too… But he still obeyed him.
He joined the company and works for them, does everything his father tells him to, because… Because as long as he does, he lets Hongbin fund the shelter. The money he makes, almost all of it, he gives to us, and he works his ass off with people he doesn’t even like, for this shelter to live. That’s how Lee Hongbin is.”
It feels like there is a pause where Taekwoon might expect Sanghyuk to say something, to answer or just to indicate that he’s listening. But by now, the understanding weighs him down so heavily he finds it hard to even breathe.
“Anyways, what I mean is… I guess, since you belonged here for some time, I just thought you ought to know the story of our shelter. And why Hongbin was here last week… he was given a vacation. He spends an awful lot of time overseas now, we barely get to see each other, and he doesn’t say a word, he never really complains, but I know it’s getting harder and harder on him. I just… didn’t want you to have any bad feelings for him. He doesn’t deserve any of that.
I do. I know I do, because I didn’t tell you about him sooner. I hoped… I guess, for a short time, that I could finally move on, and I hoped that when he comes back the next time, and you will be there, I could just be to him what he always thought I was - a good friend that he can count on. I never meant to… lie to him, or to you. I never meant to hurt you.” There is a long, long second where everything goes so silent that Sanghyuk can practically hear the thumps of two hearts, beating to different rhythms, but still, still harmonizing, and then…
“I am sorry, Sanghyuk. I really am.”
By then, Sanghyuk can’t decide whether to cry or to shout at Taekwoon, but when he opens his mouth to finally say something, all that comes out is a sour snort, followed by more hard, thoughtful silence.
“I wasn’t angry at him. Everyone seems to have this weird concept of me hating others, I wonder why that happens. But you didn’t have to worry about that… Of course I’d have told you, if you asked.” he finally says, picking out each word carefully. Taekwoon is not looking up at him again, and it kind of bothers Sanghyuk, because now, more than ever, he wants to know what Taekwoon thinks at the moment.
“I wasn’t even angry at you… well, not that much. I was angry at myself, more than anything. At my stupidity and my naivety. I read much more into things than I should’ve. And I never asked you either. I never asked what you wanted, just… went after my head, I guess. After my instincts. I thought you liked me, but you never said that you did, so… yeah. Whatever. It’s fine - I’m fine” he says, and even to his own ears, he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, more than Taekwoon. Not that it matters anymore. He really only has to convince himself now, and maybe, just maybe, saying it out loud over and over again would help.
Still, Taekwoon looks genuinely surprised. He opens his mouth, as if to say something, but suddenly a loud, scratching noise comes from the other side of the door, followed by excited barking, and they both jump to their feet, startled.
“Leo! Leo, baby boy, is that you?” Sanghyuk asks, leaning against the cool surface of the door, although it is a kind of stupid question, because he can recognize Leo’s bark just as easily as his owner.
Taekwoon gives him a bewildered, confused glance, but an idea is already forming in Sanghyuk’s head, and as crazy as it sounds, he still has to try.
“Leo, listen to me! I need you to bring Hakyeon hyung here! Do you understand me? Come on, boy, fetch Hakyeon for us! Come on, I know you can do it!” he says, each word carefully enunciated, and they hear the barking again, followed by the faint echo of four clawed feet running down the hallway.
“Do you really think that would work?” Taekwoon asks, chuckling, but the hopeful glint in his eyes gives him away.
“You ought to trust your own dog more than that” Sanghyuk shakes his head, not backing away from the door. Taekwoon is standing right next to him, his shoulder slightly pressing against him as he shuffles on his feet, and Sanghyuk’s heart jumps into his throat. Damn.
For long, nerve-straining moments, nothing happens, and Sanghyuk is just about to give up and sink back to the floor, when they hear an angry shout.
“Hey! Hey stop, you monster! Release me, for the last time, release me! I am going to have you put down, you rabid beast, fuck that was a really expensive shirt!”
Sanghyuk tries - and fails - to hold back his laughter at Hakyeon’s indignant shrieking, but soon enough, there is a key sliding into the lock from the outside, and they nearly fall out of the storage room as the door suddenly flies open.
“For the love of God, do something about this animal, it almost tore my arm out!” the manager rolls his eyes angrily, one hand caressing the torn sleeve of his shirt gently.
Sanghyuk crouches immediately to pat Leo’s head, smiling widely at the proud yowling and tail-wiggling, and Leo jumps up at him happily, nearly knocking him over. He’s so glad to finally see the dog that he almost misses as Taekwoon murmurs a quiet but honest “fuck you” under his breath, before promptly punching the manager, straight on the chin, with an incredibly quick (and strong) fist.
~*~(oh dear lord it didn't go up in 3 parts why sorry pt3 and pt4 are kinda short on their own :S)
(part 4)