(no subject)
Arrrgh uggh blah. I made food but while waiting for it to be finished lost my appetite to eat it.
I've been in a pretty decent mood. Was most of the day, but I keep getting smacked in the face by little things. Well, okay, I keep getting slapped in the face by little things Bel does. She really is the main thing that sends me spiraling back to depression anymore. I've worked so much other shit out, and changed and moved my life forward, but I'm stuck on her. Sometimes I'm alright with it, sometimes I have patience and faith. Sometimes I just shrug it off and say forget her, forget it, onward. But, that's always when I'm pissy. Whenever I find peace and clarity I realize my continuing adoration and devotion to her. And at those points I'm also fine with it. It makes sense and I don't worry about it. I realize there is further to go, more change to come.
Eh, so I've gone about updating old web profiles and such, with new info, new pictures, etc. It was time, most all of it was out of date and half of them listed me as involved with someone. Yeah, I'm single, gotta remember that. Mmmph. So, I updated my nerve.com profile today, fun fun. That's actually where Bel found me and how we started talking, etc etc. So I updated and for shits and giggles clicked on the "match me" link to see what new peoples had popped up in my area matching my something or others. So, top of the list is miss Bel. Derrrrr, well of course she's the best match for me, thanks for pointing that out. Hehe. Nah, she was at the top probably because she was active very recently on there. So, I checked her profile to see what she's been actively doing. Small changes, nothing much. But, looks like she's on the prowl again, looking for new folks, looking for conversation, etc, with the possibility of snuggles. Yeah, so, guess she's looking for possibly more than just friends again. Not a big surprise I guess, just still painful to see her out there looking to find someone to give her the things I used to give her and that I still desire and miss. Why can't I get Bel snuggles huh huh? My snuggles aren't good enough? Poo. Painful, but, not a big deal I suppose. Of course, once she starts dating again, now that's gonna be a kick in the nuts. And then what? She's gonna keep me around as a friend? Haha, unlikely. She'll probably start avoiding me again, like the first time.
Ehh, so, a bit ago I checked her journal on a whim. Or a hunch, or something. And wham, there's no entries in view back until like April. Funny that, she just made a new entry about 2 weeks ago. Hmmmm, skimmed through and there are a LOT of entries gone. Either changed to friend's only or deleted outright. And of course any of the old ones that said either really sweet adoring things about me, or expressed her honest frustrations with our situation are gone. Badabing. I'm being systematically erased from her past? Or just locked away. What's up with that? Of course, that's not all that's gone, there are some pretty normal everyday entries that aren't there either. Weird, what's up with that? What IS the girl up to? I just don't know. Kinda hurts though.
Gaahhh, so strange and so many ways to see it, weird possibilities flicker through my mind. This week I've noticed new views on my tribe.net profile on days she's been on. Was she checking out my profile and new pictures? Eh? Does she take these changes and additions as me putting myself on display, up for sale? Is she reacting to the idea of me looking to meet other people and such? Or is that just egocentric fantasy, that she'd give a flying fuck if I started dating? When we went out Sunday she asked me "So who is this Vanessa person?" In that uhhhhh, insinuating voice, jokingly, not like accusingly, but still insinuating that this Vanessa person might be something other than just a fucking person in my life. Can I not have friends? Anyway, it was the kind of voice I'd have gotten smacked if I'd used to ask her about someone, She'd have taken offense, but, she does that with me. I forget that joking around and such she takes as poking at her or she takes the little teasing jabs quite personally. Makes it hard. She wants to find people to talk about perspectives on life, have intellectual discourse, but, seems so often with me and her if we have differing outlooks, if I challenge something she says, she takes it like I'm attacking her views or her life or her. Instead of just presenting another possibility in interest of what she'd have to say considering it. Makes it hard. All the fucking complications.
We can still talk nonsense and goof around and be as silly and ridiculous as we once were, but, it is rare. We're too serious with each other much of the time. It is madness. I dunno. She's definitely looking to meet new people, definitely has more free time than she sometimes lets on. And obviously has more interest in finding new people to hang out with than to get reacquainted with me. Poo. Guess I'll deal with it, huh. Like everything else. I just wonder what she's up to, what is really going on inside her head, what she's really after with me or anything at all. She's still a big ball of mixed signals, and there are still things she's not telling me, and there are still things she's not fully accepting within herself.
Argh. what bloody madness. And why, through all this, do I still feel we are the best thing for each other... eventually? When so many things would seem to point the other way? I dunno, just a feeling I can't seem to kick.
And why am I updating all my profiles and such if I'm not looking for someone new? Haha, well, who the hell knows. It's a mixed up thing. For one, it feels like something I should be doing, giving moving on a chance, opening myself to new things, etc. Two, it seems like what Bel would want, she gives me the impression over and over that she'd prefer I moved on and found happiness with someone else, didn't hang on to her, etc etc. Of course at the same time she gets weird when I promise her I'll get over her eventually. I mean, what the fuck? "Like a bad cold" she says? But how'd she get over me? She was in someone else's arms within a week or so. I've known bad colds that took longer to get over. Ouch! And three. Part of me has reached a point that hopes that someone will come along and help me get over her, help me forget and move on. I'm not even sure if it is possible. Even meeting someone I'd be willing to try it with is seeming impossible. I think about it, I'll talk about it, but in reality while I enjoy conversing and such and meeting new people, I'm lacking interest in anything else. Yes, I can get lonely, yes, I'd love to have a companion, someone to cuddle up with and watch movies and talk about whatever the fuck. But I can't even imagine getting that close to someone new, I can't imagine sharing that sort of intimacy. So what the fuck? What's a boy to do? Keep on... keep on.
Definitely the strangest situation ever. From so many points, the strangest relationship, strangest ending. And still being in the same place, and still running into traces of her online and seeing what she's up to, but having no real idea. Arghh. No one has ever made me hurt so much, and after nearly three months the girl can still send me so far down, still make me want to curl up and die.
-----------------------
They say it fades, if you let it.
Love was made, to forget it.
I carved your name,
across my eyelids.
You pray for rain,
I pray for blindness.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, is not upon me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark, is not within me.
I snuffed it out
before my mom walked
in my bedroom.
The only thing
that you keep changin'
is your name,
my love keeps growin'
still the same,
just like a cancer,
and you won't give me
a straight answer.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, has fallen from me.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
Because your hands are not upon me.
I shrugged them off
before my mom walked
in my bedroom.
The pains of love,
and they keep growin',
In my heart,,
there's flowers growin'
on the grave
of our old love
since you gave
me a straight answer.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, is not upon me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark, is not within me.
You gotta be the one. You gotta be the way.
Your name is the only word that I can say.
Crown of Love :: The Arcade Fire :: Funeral
I've been in a pretty decent mood. Was most of the day, but I keep getting smacked in the face by little things. Well, okay, I keep getting slapped in the face by little things Bel does. She really is the main thing that sends me spiraling back to depression anymore. I've worked so much other shit out, and changed and moved my life forward, but I'm stuck on her. Sometimes I'm alright with it, sometimes I have patience and faith. Sometimes I just shrug it off and say forget her, forget it, onward. But, that's always when I'm pissy. Whenever I find peace and clarity I realize my continuing adoration and devotion to her. And at those points I'm also fine with it. It makes sense and I don't worry about it. I realize there is further to go, more change to come.
Eh, so I've gone about updating old web profiles and such, with new info, new pictures, etc. It was time, most all of it was out of date and half of them listed me as involved with someone. Yeah, I'm single, gotta remember that. Mmmph. So, I updated my nerve.com profile today, fun fun. That's actually where Bel found me and how we started talking, etc etc. So I updated and for shits and giggles clicked on the "match me" link to see what new peoples had popped up in my area matching my something or others. So, top of the list is miss Bel. Derrrrr, well of course she's the best match for me, thanks for pointing that out. Hehe. Nah, she was at the top probably because she was active very recently on there. So, I checked her profile to see what she's been actively doing. Small changes, nothing much. But, looks like she's on the prowl again, looking for new folks, looking for conversation, etc, with the possibility of snuggles. Yeah, so, guess she's looking for possibly more than just friends again. Not a big surprise I guess, just still painful to see her out there looking to find someone to give her the things I used to give her and that I still desire and miss. Why can't I get Bel snuggles huh huh? My snuggles aren't good enough? Poo. Painful, but, not a big deal I suppose. Of course, once she starts dating again, now that's gonna be a kick in the nuts. And then what? She's gonna keep me around as a friend? Haha, unlikely. She'll probably start avoiding me again, like the first time.
Ehh, so, a bit ago I checked her journal on a whim. Or a hunch, or something. And wham, there's no entries in view back until like April. Funny that, she just made a new entry about 2 weeks ago. Hmmmm, skimmed through and there are a LOT of entries gone. Either changed to friend's only or deleted outright. And of course any of the old ones that said either really sweet adoring things about me, or expressed her honest frustrations with our situation are gone. Badabing. I'm being systematically erased from her past? Or just locked away. What's up with that? Of course, that's not all that's gone, there are some pretty normal everyday entries that aren't there either. Weird, what's up with that? What IS the girl up to? I just don't know. Kinda hurts though.
Gaahhh, so strange and so many ways to see it, weird possibilities flicker through my mind. This week I've noticed new views on my tribe.net profile on days she's been on. Was she checking out my profile and new pictures? Eh? Does she take these changes and additions as me putting myself on display, up for sale? Is she reacting to the idea of me looking to meet other people and such? Or is that just egocentric fantasy, that she'd give a flying fuck if I started dating? When we went out Sunday she asked me "So who is this Vanessa person?" In that uhhhhh, insinuating voice, jokingly, not like accusingly, but still insinuating that this Vanessa person might be something other than just a fucking person in my life. Can I not have friends? Anyway, it was the kind of voice I'd have gotten smacked if I'd used to ask her about someone, She'd have taken offense, but, she does that with me. I forget that joking around and such she takes as poking at her or she takes the little teasing jabs quite personally. Makes it hard. She wants to find people to talk about perspectives on life, have intellectual discourse, but, seems so often with me and her if we have differing outlooks, if I challenge something she says, she takes it like I'm attacking her views or her life or her. Instead of just presenting another possibility in interest of what she'd have to say considering it. Makes it hard. All the fucking complications.
We can still talk nonsense and goof around and be as silly and ridiculous as we once were, but, it is rare. We're too serious with each other much of the time. It is madness. I dunno. She's definitely looking to meet new people, definitely has more free time than she sometimes lets on. And obviously has more interest in finding new people to hang out with than to get reacquainted with me. Poo. Guess I'll deal with it, huh. Like everything else. I just wonder what she's up to, what is really going on inside her head, what she's really after with me or anything at all. She's still a big ball of mixed signals, and there are still things she's not telling me, and there are still things she's not fully accepting within herself.
Argh. what bloody madness. And why, through all this, do I still feel we are the best thing for each other... eventually? When so many things would seem to point the other way? I dunno, just a feeling I can't seem to kick.
And why am I updating all my profiles and such if I'm not looking for someone new? Haha, well, who the hell knows. It's a mixed up thing. For one, it feels like something I should be doing, giving moving on a chance, opening myself to new things, etc. Two, it seems like what Bel would want, she gives me the impression over and over that she'd prefer I moved on and found happiness with someone else, didn't hang on to her, etc etc. Of course at the same time she gets weird when I promise her I'll get over her eventually. I mean, what the fuck? "Like a bad cold" she says? But how'd she get over me? She was in someone else's arms within a week or so. I've known bad colds that took longer to get over. Ouch! And three. Part of me has reached a point that hopes that someone will come along and help me get over her, help me forget and move on. I'm not even sure if it is possible. Even meeting someone I'd be willing to try it with is seeming impossible. I think about it, I'll talk about it, but in reality while I enjoy conversing and such and meeting new people, I'm lacking interest in anything else. Yes, I can get lonely, yes, I'd love to have a companion, someone to cuddle up with and watch movies and talk about whatever the fuck. But I can't even imagine getting that close to someone new, I can't imagine sharing that sort of intimacy. So what the fuck? What's a boy to do? Keep on... keep on.
Definitely the strangest situation ever. From so many points, the strangest relationship, strangest ending. And still being in the same place, and still running into traces of her online and seeing what she's up to, but having no real idea. Arghh. No one has ever made me hurt so much, and after nearly three months the girl can still send me so far down, still make me want to curl up and die.
-----------------------
They say it fades, if you let it.
Love was made, to forget it.
I carved your name,
across my eyelids.
You pray for rain,
I pray for blindness.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, is not upon me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark, is not within me.
I snuffed it out
before my mom walked
in my bedroom.
The only thing
that you keep changin'
is your name,
my love keeps growin'
still the same,
just like a cancer,
and you won't give me
a straight answer.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, has fallen from me.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
Because your hands are not upon me.
I shrugged them off
before my mom walked
in my bedroom.
The pains of love,
and they keep growin',
In my heart,,
there's flowers growin'
on the grave
of our old love
since you gave
me a straight answer.
If you still want me, please forgive me.
The crown of love, is not upon me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark, is not within me.
You gotta be the one. You gotta be the way.
Your name is the only word that I can say.
Crown of Love :: The Arcade Fire :: Funeral