(no subject)
Click to viewserenading my cutlery
i've been trying to be more delicate. i even dreamt last that that i split into two, one half of me male and the other half female. joined near the hips, we had elongated like snakes, wiggling upwards while looking at one another. we felt complete only when looking at one another, not so much being one another, just being WITH one another. i longed to know why i wasn't in the woman's half of my body. i wanted to know why my conscious mind stayed in the male half and why my spiritual self was connected to the middle of us but it wasn't either of us, yet i felt it.
i'm trying to be more delicate. i'm baking, which isn't unusual, but the manner in which i approach the situation is. i hum and smile and i put pretty things onto cupcakes and i decorate packages of cookies. i spent 8 hours adding buttons and beads to a hat and pink ribbon. i want to be a girl oh so badly.
i think it's maybe hindered by physicality. "oh," you say "but aren't you physically... a girl?" and granted i do have the bits an pieces that determine the physical sex, but i don't FEEL like a girl and as i get older, the more and more it shouts at me and makes itself apperant to my internal noises. it's strange to be a girl who wants to be a girl, i shall agree to that. on the other hand, when mentioning such things to people who don't understand they ask me how can i not feel the way i want to and it's hard to describe what it's like because i think if i could, i could possibly fix the situation.
maybe i should stop talking about this. it goes no where.
things that have made me happy as of late:
- people riding their bikes for over 40 blocks to hang with me
- hearing that my baking is orgasmic
- my awesome dog
- after midnight root beer floats
- visitors from afar
- late late night movies
- presents in the mail
- peeling off sun burnt skin
- rain storms