Marks Venting
I'm kinda upset, guys. Okay, no, I'm really upset with my marks this semester. I don't think I'm going to have above an 87 average, and that's a first EVER for me. And it's really, really disappointing. Like, it stings.
It doesn't help that most of the people I know are also really serious about their marks, and so of course I look at them getting 90's and it really, really stings--even though they're a year older than I am. My mother says that because of the skipping-a-year-age gap I should remember that when I'm stressed and sick as much as I have been, it's OKAY to have slightly lower marks than I'm used to, but I am truly so disappointed. It's the same courses as what I'm taking and I KNOW I can be at (or even above!) their level, I've proven it in the past. But it's not happening, and I'm just so frustrated.
I mean, in my head there's the facts--I have missed an abominable amount of school. I think something like 18 full days. It's pretty incredible. And there's a difference between this and struggling--I'm not struggling. I'm not finding it hard to learn the material. But in a way, that kind of makes it worse? Because I know I CAN do better and yet I'm...not. My marks are low. They were low last semester, and I told myself I'd bring them up, and I haven't, because I've been just as sick as I was last semester with meds and symptoms and actual bugs and I just. Just. I'm so, so disappointed in myself. Almost angry, even.
And yeah, marks aren't everything? It's just a number. This isn't the end of my life. but it just feels like all I have going for me is my intellect, and how can I say I have intellect if I can't even back it up? So angry at myself. It sounds like no big deal but to me it's a massive failure and I hate that.
Just waiting on exams... Next semester will be better, I hope. I'm trying hard.
It doesn't help that most of the people I know are also really serious about their marks, and so of course I look at them getting 90's and it really, really stings--even though they're a year older than I am. My mother says that because of the skipping-a-year-age gap I should remember that when I'm stressed and sick as much as I have been, it's OKAY to have slightly lower marks than I'm used to, but I am truly so disappointed. It's the same courses as what I'm taking and I KNOW I can be at (or even above!) their level, I've proven it in the past. But it's not happening, and I'm just so frustrated.
I mean, in my head there's the facts--I have missed an abominable amount of school. I think something like 18 full days. It's pretty incredible. And there's a difference between this and struggling--I'm not struggling. I'm not finding it hard to learn the material. But in a way, that kind of makes it worse? Because I know I CAN do better and yet I'm...not. My marks are low. They were low last semester, and I told myself I'd bring them up, and I haven't, because I've been just as sick as I was last semester with meds and symptoms and actual bugs and I just. Just. I'm so, so disappointed in myself. Almost angry, even.
And yeah, marks aren't everything? It's just a number. This isn't the end of my life. but it just feels like all I have going for me is my intellect, and how can I say I have intellect if I can't even back it up? So angry at myself. It sounds like no big deal but to me it's a massive failure and I hate that.
Just waiting on exams... Next semester will be better, I hope. I'm trying hard.