"Where've You Been, Bot?"
Hello hello! This an update post, for anyone who cares to read it, mostly because if I don't post an update I'll never get back to posting regular entries and comments and I'll just remain on hiatus forever, which wasn't my intention back in March when I made my last serious entry. Yadda yadda life gets in the way and all that.
Since my diagnosis in March, my health has improved a hundredfold. I'm still not healthy--though I'm on steroids and an immunosuppressant, I've recently learned that I'll need to begin intravenous infusion treatments, once every two weeks over a six week period and then once every two months for the rest of my life. That was some news that took some getting used to. The steroids also have some nasty and persistent side effects, such as mood swings, acne, and facial swelling, to name a few. I'm puffy and red and i don't like it but eh, what can you do, I guess. I don't know; that's my attitude towards most things lately. At least you can't see my ribs anymore.
I've dropped out of school for the semester. We did eventually get the French mark resolved (the principal averaged out the work I'd submitted and voila! I passed! Why he couldn't have just done that THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN I ASKED HIM TO I don't know, but fuuuuuuuuckit whatever.) but what with how far behind the mix-ups with my courses had put me, plus on top of that my health and this new treatment, school just isn't feasible right now--I wouldn't get marks representative of my capabilities, just of what I could struggle to pull up. Again, I was more upset about this at the time. I'm kind of at the, "I don't care," point with a lot of things that were stressing me out before, which quite frankly is a huge relief.
This leads me to mental health, which has also been leaps and bounds better, mostly in that I think I'm finally learning how to cut myself some slack and take care of myself. Like...I could blame myself for not being able to do school right now, and call myself a failure, and say I should do better and be normal and live up to expectations. Or I could acknowledge that I was really, really sick, and I still am not healthy, and quite frankly I have enough on my plate and pushing myself to do more than I can handle isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself, so taking a break is okay. On top of that, I've seen exactly how much the Crohn's disease was wearing me down, because as I see improvements in my health that I just had chalked up to me being 'lazy' and 'using my depression as a crutch'--for instance, I actually have, le gasp, energy and willpower and motivation! To get up and do things! Like talk to people! And leave the house! And exercise! I guess...I guess I'm seeing a lot of things proving the voices in my head wrong, things that are irrefutable evidence of the fact that hey, maybe I'm not a complete and total waste of air and space. Sorry if this sounds defensive, I'm still kind of coming to terms with it myself. I don't know, maybe I'm trying too hard to convince myself of something; that doubt is still there. But this time I really feel like no, you know what? I am justified and I am valid. That's a big deal for me.
I've started feeling a lot more confident, too. I'm not scared to speak up anymore, or have a negative opinion about something, or say what I'm thinking. Conversation comes a lot easier. In a way, I feel like I've gained a lot of my old self back--the kid who was never diagnosed with depression, who never became so scared of breaking some unspoken social rule that she simply stopped talking. Also, as a side note, lately I've been feeling a lot more comfortable being biologically female, and occasionally identifying with having female traits. I wouldn't say I feel more comfortable in my body, but I definitely feel more confident in my self-expression, which again is a huge deal for me.
SO in essence: Your physical health affects your mental health, kids, and if you have a genetic disease it will make you feel like crap! Who knew?! Aye aye aye.
On to the important bit: earlier this month, the most amazing thing happened. My lovely dragonarya came to visit me!!! For those of you who don't know, we've been in a long-distance relationship since we met here on dear old LJ three years ago. Due to age and circumstance, meeting wasn't something that was possible until this month, when she and her mother came to stay with my family for five days. She came up for my prom, which I still can't believe was a thing I went to. She let me do her makeup, and I took her to the zoo and to a little festival about maple syrup that my town throws every year. I was over the moon. I still am over the moon. Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I got to take my girlfriend to prom!
Prom itself was not the amazing experience everyone was trying to convince me it would be, which I knew from the start would be the case because I a) don't like fancy clothes, b) don't know anyone in my graduating class and c) would never want to combine those two things ever, on pain of death. The food was also hilariously bad considering the price of a ticket: everything was cold, like it had been sitting in the back of someone's car; the cauliflower was mush while the broccoli was undercooked to the point of crunching; they splurged for powdered bacon bits, cheese and potatoes. I didn't have any of the dessert because of the risk of going into anaphylactic shock (yay nut allergies!) but Rya did and she was pretty sure the apples used in it weren't real either. Not quite sure how you fake an apple but I honestly wouldn't doubt it. Oh well. At least I found out I can dance.
FUN FACT: When Rya and I first met, I told her that I was 5'6. She responded with, "Me too!" I apparently did not know how to use a measuring tape and thus we were both surprised, upon meeting, to find that I am not in fact 5'6 but indeed 5'8. Most of my family and friends are also around this height, or taller. Rya, darling, this is my public apology for the short jokes. Everyone had to make at least one, I guess? ^_^;;
Aaaaand in more recent news, this past weekend I went to comic con. I got a drawing done of Rya if she were magical--it includes a hair colour and eye colour change, like so:
I did not draw this but the artist didn't sign it, aaaah!
I got it done because I saw this adorable cutie of an original character done by her and knew she'd do a wonderful job of a commission:
Same artist as above; it's called a Cottonlop, according to the name I accidentally cut off in the picture!
Also I picked her up this cute and quirky watercolour painting (well, a print of a watercolour painting) because wookit the colourful toadstools:
Different artist; still not my work!
Aaaand I picked up this little ice cream octopus for myself, because I needed him. Badly.
Look at that face. Look at it.
Aaand finally: I'm writing a book (maybe two! Because holy shit I think my writer's block might be--touch wood--gone!) and I have two chapters and nearly 10k and holy shit this never happens what kind of dark sorcery is at work here. o_o I'm taking it and running with it while it lasts, let me tell you. Let there be no doubt in your mind.
Thanks to everyone who's put up with my long absence, my lack of comments and who's read this far. I figure I'm just going to scrap trying to reply to the entries I have stockpiled in my inbox and just start fresh, so expect to see me popping up on your journals again soon! It means a lot that I didn't get unfriended by anyone because I know it's a crappy thing to do, just up and leave like that, but I'm hoping I have enough time and energy now that LJ won't fall by the wayside again.
Hugs for all and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things,
T
(What's everyone's problem with the new interface? I kinda like it!)
Since my diagnosis in March, my health has improved a hundredfold. I'm still not healthy--though I'm on steroids and an immunosuppressant, I've recently learned that I'll need to begin intravenous infusion treatments, once every two weeks over a six week period and then once every two months for the rest of my life. That was some news that took some getting used to. The steroids also have some nasty and persistent side effects, such as mood swings, acne, and facial swelling, to name a few. I'm puffy and red and i don't like it but eh, what can you do, I guess. I don't know; that's my attitude towards most things lately. At least you can't see my ribs anymore.
I've dropped out of school for the semester. We did eventually get the French mark resolved (the principal averaged out the work I'd submitted and voila! I passed! Why he couldn't have just done that THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN I ASKED HIM TO I don't know, but fuuuuuuuuckit whatever.) but what with how far behind the mix-ups with my courses had put me, plus on top of that my health and this new treatment, school just isn't feasible right now--I wouldn't get marks representative of my capabilities, just of what I could struggle to pull up. Again, I was more upset about this at the time. I'm kind of at the, "I don't care," point with a lot of things that were stressing me out before, which quite frankly is a huge relief.
This leads me to mental health, which has also been leaps and bounds better, mostly in that I think I'm finally learning how to cut myself some slack and take care of myself. Like...I could blame myself for not being able to do school right now, and call myself a failure, and say I should do better and be normal and live up to expectations. Or I could acknowledge that I was really, really sick, and I still am not healthy, and quite frankly I have enough on my plate and pushing myself to do more than I can handle isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself, so taking a break is okay. On top of that, I've seen exactly how much the Crohn's disease was wearing me down, because as I see improvements in my health that I just had chalked up to me being 'lazy' and 'using my depression as a crutch'--for instance, I actually have, le gasp, energy and willpower and motivation! To get up and do things! Like talk to people! And leave the house! And exercise! I guess...I guess I'm seeing a lot of things proving the voices in my head wrong, things that are irrefutable evidence of the fact that hey, maybe I'm not a complete and total waste of air and space. Sorry if this sounds defensive, I'm still kind of coming to terms with it myself. I don't know, maybe I'm trying too hard to convince myself of something; that doubt is still there. But this time I really feel like no, you know what? I am justified and I am valid. That's a big deal for me.
I've started feeling a lot more confident, too. I'm not scared to speak up anymore, or have a negative opinion about something, or say what I'm thinking. Conversation comes a lot easier. In a way, I feel like I've gained a lot of my old self back--the kid who was never diagnosed with depression, who never became so scared of breaking some unspoken social rule that she simply stopped talking. Also, as a side note, lately I've been feeling a lot more comfortable being biologically female, and occasionally identifying with having female traits. I wouldn't say I feel more comfortable in my body, but I definitely feel more confident in my self-expression, which again is a huge deal for me.
SO in essence: Your physical health affects your mental health, kids, and if you have a genetic disease it will make you feel like crap! Who knew?! Aye aye aye.
On to the important bit: earlier this month, the most amazing thing happened. My lovely dragonarya came to visit me!!! For those of you who don't know, we've been in a long-distance relationship since we met here on dear old LJ three years ago. Due to age and circumstance, meeting wasn't something that was possible until this month, when she and her mother came to stay with my family for five days. She came up for my prom, which I still can't believe was a thing I went to. She let me do her makeup, and I took her to the zoo and to a little festival about maple syrup that my town throws every year. I was over the moon. I still am over the moon. Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I got to take my girlfriend to prom!
Prom itself was not the amazing experience everyone was trying to convince me it would be, which I knew from the start would be the case because I a) don't like fancy clothes, b) don't know anyone in my graduating class and c) would never want to combine those two things ever, on pain of death. The food was also hilariously bad considering the price of a ticket: everything was cold, like it had been sitting in the back of someone's car; the cauliflower was mush while the broccoli was undercooked to the point of crunching; they splurged for powdered bacon bits, cheese and potatoes. I didn't have any of the dessert because of the risk of going into anaphylactic shock (yay nut allergies!) but Rya did and she was pretty sure the apples used in it weren't real either. Not quite sure how you fake an apple but I honestly wouldn't doubt it. Oh well. At least I found out I can dance.
FUN FACT: When Rya and I first met, I told her that I was 5'6. She responded with, "Me too!" I apparently did not know how to use a measuring tape and thus we were both surprised, upon meeting, to find that I am not in fact 5'6 but indeed 5'8. Most of my family and friends are also around this height, or taller. Rya, darling, this is my public apology for the short jokes. Everyone had to make at least one, I guess? ^_^;;
Aaaaand in more recent news, this past weekend I went to comic con. I got a drawing done of Rya if she were magical--it includes a hair colour and eye colour change, like so:
I did not draw this but the artist didn't sign it, aaaah!
I got it done because I saw this adorable cutie of an original character done by her and knew she'd do a wonderful job of a commission:
Same artist as above; it's called a Cottonlop, according to the name I accidentally cut off in the picture!
Also I picked her up this cute and quirky watercolour painting (well, a print of a watercolour painting) because wookit the colourful toadstools:
Different artist; still not my work!
Aaaand I picked up this little ice cream octopus for myself, because I needed him. Badly.
Look at that face. Look at it.
Aaand finally: I'm writing a book (maybe two! Because holy shit I think my writer's block might be--touch wood--gone!) and I have two chapters and nearly 10k and holy shit this never happens what kind of dark sorcery is at work here. o_o I'm taking it and running with it while it lasts, let me tell you. Let there be no doubt in your mind.
Thanks to everyone who's put up with my long absence, my lack of comments and who's read this far. I figure I'm just going to scrap trying to reply to the entries I have stockpiled in my inbox and just start fresh, so expect to see me popping up on your journals again soon! It means a lot that I didn't get unfriended by anyone because I know it's a crappy thing to do, just up and leave like that, but I'm hoping I have enough time and energy now that LJ won't fall by the wayside again.
Hugs for all and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things,
T
(What's everyone's problem with the new interface? I kinda like it!)