trans* and medical deficiencies.
So I'm a relatively hairy person. Always have been. My arms have lightened up as I've gotten older but my happy trail has gotten darker. Because I hate warming up wax I've taken to shaving my upper lip and I pluck several hairs on my face that aren't located in my eyebrows.
I have always felt excessively masculine and that translated into me identifying as bisexual. Mostly because I don't really care about gender just about love but mostly because I've always joked that I'm a bisexual man in a woman's body meaning I mostly feel male. It's not something I've ever felt compelled to change surgically. Presenting physically as female was fine enough but it's partially why I am as uncomfortable with my breasts as I am. They're large and insensitive and not something that even makes me feel sexy really. I've started finding a fascination with lingerie as I've gotten older 1. because it's pretty but 2. because it makes my boobs do something instead of just hang there awkwardly. They already cause me pain so the idea of binding is almost impossible as I know it'd just cause me more bodily harm.
So how do I identify? I don't even know. I just say female because I'm not male, I'm not ftm, I'm not sure I'm genderqueer. I guess if I had to pick I'd be agender but my body won't let me get away with truly being androgynous. I mean in the grand scheme it's not really a big deal and it's something that gets shoved to the side and I don't think about it.
When I do my basic assumption is that it's why I get along so well among most people in the trans* community. Because I'm actually a member even if I'm not out about it. You know, until now because people read this thing and I'm just going to talk about this.
Why is this is all coming up now though? My Mother discovered she has some kind of medical deficiency. It apparently can cause hair growth, a deeper voice, androgynous genitals, and a slew of other things that basically says "Tom Boy". Which I was and have been and am.
The problem is this is a genetic deficiency and I could theoretically have the same condition. It's treatable with steroids. The problem for me is that it's taken me almost thirty years to recognize that whether or not I ever go under the knife does not mean I'm not actually trans*. That my physical presentation really does mean nothing and what I've been telling people I feel is valid despite the fact that it's often led to people trying to tell me I'm not or otherwise.
This makes me really happy that new genders are popping up every day which means some day I may find a presentation and definition that works for me when I'm done being super busy being a Mom. Which, before you guys throw out that I have to be a woman to be a Mom realize if you begin to comment with that you are wrong.
Really wrong.
This isn't an important post of anything. I've just been thinking about it. And if I do have this deficiency do I treat it? Because if I treat it will I lose a tangible part of myself? Will I still deal with the feelings of not being female?
One of these days I may want to seek a therapist to talk all this out and give it words and definitions but for now I just exist and feel like I'm me and I'm okay with all the extra bits and blips that make up me.
I have always felt excessively masculine and that translated into me identifying as bisexual. Mostly because I don't really care about gender just about love but mostly because I've always joked that I'm a bisexual man in a woman's body meaning I mostly feel male. It's not something I've ever felt compelled to change surgically. Presenting physically as female was fine enough but it's partially why I am as uncomfortable with my breasts as I am. They're large and insensitive and not something that even makes me feel sexy really. I've started finding a fascination with lingerie as I've gotten older 1. because it's pretty but 2. because it makes my boobs do something instead of just hang there awkwardly. They already cause me pain so the idea of binding is almost impossible as I know it'd just cause me more bodily harm.
So how do I identify? I don't even know. I just say female because I'm not male, I'm not ftm, I'm not sure I'm genderqueer. I guess if I had to pick I'd be agender but my body won't let me get away with truly being androgynous. I mean in the grand scheme it's not really a big deal and it's something that gets shoved to the side and I don't think about it.
When I do my basic assumption is that it's why I get along so well among most people in the trans* community. Because I'm actually a member even if I'm not out about it. You know, until now because people read this thing and I'm just going to talk about this.
Why is this is all coming up now though? My Mother discovered she has some kind of medical deficiency. It apparently can cause hair growth, a deeper voice, androgynous genitals, and a slew of other things that basically says "Tom Boy". Which I was and have been and am.
The problem is this is a genetic deficiency and I could theoretically have the same condition. It's treatable with steroids. The problem for me is that it's taken me almost thirty years to recognize that whether or not I ever go under the knife does not mean I'm not actually trans*. That my physical presentation really does mean nothing and what I've been telling people I feel is valid despite the fact that it's often led to people trying to tell me I'm not or otherwise.
This makes me really happy that new genders are popping up every day which means some day I may find a presentation and definition that works for me when I'm done being super busy being a Mom. Which, before you guys throw out that I have to be a woman to be a Mom realize if you begin to comment with that you are wrong.
Really wrong.
This isn't an important post of anything. I've just been thinking about it. And if I do have this deficiency do I treat it? Because if I treat it will I lose a tangible part of myself? Will I still deal with the feelings of not being female?
One of these days I may want to seek a therapist to talk all this out and give it words and definitions but for now I just exist and feel like I'm me and I'm okay with all the extra bits and blips that make up me.