its gonna be a long one
Well its been a long time since ive updated (though ive read the journals that have been posted by others ((well ..for the most part..I skim through the longer ones)) )
I dunno lately ive been thinkin my financial situation has greatly imrpoved while everything else has (naturally) died down. There was a time not too long ago when I would have sacrificed a lot to get to my current situation but like most things now that im here I dont want to be.
This Christmas (even though im going to miss a lot of it unless there's a huge miracle - im not holding my breath) I feel great about the fact that im actually able to spend money and buy gifts for other people..its made me angry for a long time that I never was able to buy anything for anyone and now that I am able to it made me felt great. The Inner Scrooge in me though is just watching my bank account drop from 680 to 384...and Im wishing that I started saving earlier so I could still have more than enough to buy this new computer that I hope will be quite powerful so I can play a lot of the games and do a lot of the things I cant do on my laptop or the other desktop. I figure I'll also download and quite possibly install the new microsoft OS - Vista..it looks pretty slick and some of the functions sound just as delicious as it looks.
So in other words im in a conflicting position...I guess im living like most people - love the fact that I have money - love the fact that I can spend money comfortablly - and wish that I had more of it to spend..welcome to life. Its pretty good though..with my job I can save easily enough which is always a nice thought. Of course this all hinges on me actually KEEPING my job..that would definately help in the whole being able to save and what not..my love life as of late though has unfortunately suffered quite a lot and im quite dazed and confused as to what to do about it...im going to try and look elsewhere but im not sure how much luck I'll have..there are a lot of issues I need sorted out (just with my belief in how I should do things when it comes to my love life more than anything). Some people would probably tell me their available to listen if I wanna talk about it..truthfully though I feel like I can never get what I want or what I need from the people I talk to. I guess thats a good indication as to why I dont like to talk about that kind of stuff with too many people...but I dont want to go too much farther down that train of thought because there's anger there as well...Things I want to yell and scream at certain people but like most angry fights it wouldnt solve anything ..more than likely just leave me apologizing for feeling the way I do ..which happens a lot...which also is part of the reason that I get angry in those cases.
I guess im just a frusterating person to kind of help..I guess im just that stubborn that I'll always try to put up a fight and why I want someone to put up a bit of a fight back. It in a way its kind of frusterating to me that I cant seem to have everything perfectly balanced quite yet...I guess I havent got that finesse down yet..perhaps soon I will but until then I guess I just have to deal with ups and downs where I'll have money but no love life or a strong love life and my wallet will take that beating..
Some critics would argue why even bother with a girlfriend if its so much shit to go through...good point, but your an idiot...anyone who's lived through so many lonely nights and not nearly enough nights where someone can actualy lay down next to you would argue that its worth it...I havent had those nights where ive had someone lay down next to me and its taking its toll..hopefully things get better...I can hope..I'll keep hoping..and for now im going to see about other options cuz im just at a loss about what to do so I'll go against what I said I'd never do and we'll see what happens. More than likely something bad but the positive side is that I'll be waiting for it so the shock wont be so huge and I can hopefully accomodate myself so things dont get too horrible.
Here's hoping.