Now's as good a time as any..
WELllllllllllllllll I figured I'd update considering I was reading over some of another Lj and it got me thinkin about who I am as a person.
Lord knows everyone definately has an opinion about that (whether its a good opinion or bad opinion - well lets just leave that aside).
I think more often than not I feel betrayed ..which I suppose is unfortunate but its life.
I partially feel betrayed when I hear that one of the friends I care most about is going through rough times and I fail to help them.
In life if its anything I want to do, its to inspire faith in people..Above anything else, I feel faith is the most important thing..
With faith comes courage, from courage would come strength..
So I've always had that kind of goal in mind when I've tried to help certain people with certain things.
Of course its hard to take someone at their word when they tell you just have faith - more often than not you may feel its a load.
In a lot of cases that can be very true buuuut just as often its not just a load I'd pawn off as an easy answer.
I feel soooooo terrible when I realize I cant help certain people and it leaves me feeling ill equipped to say the least.
I sometimes wish that i had all the right answers, but even as I think that I kind of am happy that I dont because from what ive noticed about "the right" answers - most of the time your better off not knowing and you feel better when somenoe just gives you a load of crap that gives you a shining ray of hope.
Truthfully I suppose thats a part of weakness that we all succumb to at least once. But afterall isnt it easier? even if it is a bad habit, its a nice shortcut and it leaves you with those warm fuzzy feelings at the end of the day. It's much harder to realize or at least HEAR of certain truths about yourself whether it be from a loving friend or someone that is a cock bite but none the less knows that bit of truth.
I've heard a couple of truths about myself from those I hold closest to my heart and even though they can be sometimes hard to swallow it leaves me with something to think about.
I think that my true true friends that I love and care about the most would know who they are mostly just from seeing my different reactions. I've never claimed to be a complicated person (because im not and dont want that kind of reputation) its just that those few whom I love and care about the most would definately know who they are. I go to those few people for everything and whenever they tell me something I listen and I take it to heart. For those friends im forever greatful and they've told me that ive helped them more than once just by being me (which if you've ever wanted proof that your loved, thats the next closest thing than actually saying it).
But still for those few friends that pass me by, I'll remember day and night for as long as my brain allows me to remember them.
I recently moved downstairs into my basement and I put up a couple pictures of an old lady friend that I feel is the most wounded of all and it saddens me that I've never been able to help her to the degree that I would like.
But thats the kind of thing a person has to get used to..I dont think I ever would just because my own stubbornness wouldnt let me simply forget about the type of people I worship most. My faith is strong where it needs to be and my beliefs and what not are just as stubborn as my personality.
I think though that now the people im training with at stream might think im slightly off my rocker (even more so than they already know) cuz I told them I hate a LOT of old people....they piss me off to no end.
IF anyones heard me rant then they know that I could write for days about that kind of thing but I wont (instead if someone is curious about it let me know cuz I dont mind telling people why old people (and a lot of other people) need to get a severe ass kicking in my books. I've said it before and I'll say it again ..no one is ever really safe from the particular brand of equal justice that I'd willingly bring down on someone if they stepped out of lines and I was there to witness it or worse if I was included.
As for right now everything is going fine and this new job is going well ..tomorrow is a mid term that I feel very confident about AND I got a strong congratulations today from my trainer when he asked me about the logging process in an application we use called "icare" he was impressed and its left me feeling overall very good about myself.
I'll close by saying one last thing
I may not always be right but im one hell of a stubborn son of a bitch and I'll stick with my convictions to the bitter end (and I do MEAN bitter end) So old people beware...one day I might have to bring some sort of moral justice to ya' as a lesson to others that equality means equal everything (especially punishment).