Jul 23, 2004 07:02
I couldnt sleep again tonight (as the subject above implies).
I dont know what it is....I dont know why I cant bring myself to sleep ...my brain needs to be refreshed each night...though I sometimes loath that process because it makes me sometimes forget things - certain ways im feeling just wash away with the night and dont return.
Sometimes its good - sometimes its bad. I have important stuff to do ..which is unusual..yesterday was kind of fun running around to white oaks...Though I found out that I must be in a hell of a lot worse shape then I thought ...after walking from my house all the way passed Rona's (formerly Building box) my upper body was acheing. My body craved water and oxygen but instead I drowned it in coke - it retaliated by making me feel more pain. I felt like I just wanted to sit on the ground and die. I pushed on though and reached my destination in record time - I would recover later when I could relax. After we all arrived at White Oaks with determination in our eyes we all set about doing various things. My case against my ex-boss ended last night in her favour. I get paid most of what she owes me - she doesnt get investigated, it worked out nicely for her. Though my current tone is bitter I dont feel bad about the outcome. I do not harbour any ill will towards my ex boss becaues unlike any other person in this city she gave me a chance to get some experience in the work force. Now im equipped with the proper knowledge so I can get other jobs - if any of the fuckers decide to hire me - I doubt they will.
I think ultimately these sleepless nights will do more harm than good. When I was younger and still in highschool during the summer times I would try my best to test my bodies thresh hold...latest I stayed up one day was from 1pm until 10:30am the next day ..I dont remember making it up to my bed though thats where I woke up several hours later..The chance is high that I fell somewhere or something because I dont remember anything after I moved my left leg to climb that first step that seemed so far away. I blacked out basically and just woke up at night. As for these days im free as I'd like. I dont work (for now) and I've graduated from college (though I plan on going back next year). My body has grown immune to the 5am sleeping routine and its kicked in over time and its making me able to be up past 6am without feeling slightly phased. It's annoying..I want to sleep ..too many thoughts crowd in my mind that keep me awake. Things that happened things that may happen and other things that would never happen. They all crowd around in my mind as I rest my face on my left arm as I try to sleep. I wish it was colder at night. I wish I could wrap myself in a blanket and not wake up sweating the next day from the heat. I wish my mom would turn on our central air so we didnt have to deal with this bullshit heat. Im going for a hair cut today for sure (if I manage to stay awake) I'll have two cheques to cash today - 50 dollars to take out for tomorrow's festivities and probably 10 for the haircut. I have to prep my room for the people crashing here on saturday. I wish I was rich and that this house was bigger and in affect my room would be bigger. I wish my bed was as comfortable as plush material so my lady guests wont have to be uncomfortable. I sometimes prefer to sleep on the ground so im fine with that - whats more important are the guests. Im sitting on my couch in my basement with a blanket wrapped around my legs and my (now dry) cloths from yesterday...Im for sure going to shower for extra long as yesterday sucked ass heat wise. I hope I can accomplish everything I want to today ...It's going to be a miracle considering how little sleep I will get while more thoughts bore their way into my brain whilst I sleep. IF I lay down on this love seat I just hope that I will not hit my lower back on the wooden frame like last time. I was filled with such anger when I felt that pain. I can hardly keep my eyes open (not like it matters - I can type fine with my eyes closed) I wonder about so many things..but I think that my dreams will come true this summer and that I will be able to take my dream vacation away from myself which will be nice.Actually it will be better than nice..it will be amazing..Once I get back I will make sure that I have my own place so me and my girlfriend wont be bothered by anyone or anything unless I want to be bothered. It will be that freedom that I have been searching for..it will be heaven..heaven in the form of four walls, a cieling and a floor..I pray for a lot of different days - I hope my prayers wont go unanswered....
Sweet dreams