Hasnt Happened in a while
Well ..I wanted to rant about a lot of things but truthfully what I started out writing didnt sound that good. It was mostly about how Ive learned to love and whether there is or isnt a judgement day and how I wont fear my judgement.
Too dark and morbid for my current state of mind. My current state of mind being a simple relaxation. Right now Im basically in anticipation cuz im waiting for someone important to message me...Someone that I've been waiting a while to talk to and yet again I was late...it sucks being late..its a relief to be early ..and its a joy to have perfect timing...Perfect timing feels good doesnt it? it can be the simplest thing...like getting to the bathroom just in time ...or meeting a lover JUST before they leave out of your life forever and getting that second chance that either saves or breaks everything you've ever cared for and put all of your heart into.
Either way ...that perfect timing will always be a small comfort.."I made it ..and Im relieved that I know the out come" (applies for both meeting a lover and or making it to the washroom).
Now as for me ..Im counting on perfect timing to do a lot of things ...it seems to me that I could think of this summers events as interlocking gears that have come together in one way shape or form to bring me good luck. I was employed..as hard as that is to believe...I made some money and now im taking my boss to the cleaners through the slow grim torture of our shit gov't that probably wont do anything anyways. I cared a lot at one point and sure I would like to get the money that she owes me but all in all it is just money and there is always tomorrow and I can always get more money. I would just like to see that justice gets done because she's been screwing over all of her employees for years and she does it willingly. But like I said no matter...perhaps all day we will face a judgement and she can pay in her own way for all the wrongs she did. The one and only thing that I am truly thankful for is the love that I have found ..I know it has improved me and I like who I am on the inside..All I need is a vacation from family and London and Canada...
I know things will be better where im going ..whether im there for a year or just a couple months I know that things here will change ..perhaps for the best or perhaps for the worst...Like so many that I know ..it will mean a total and complete freedom that will seem harsh and brutal to accept..I will have no one to answer to I will only have my love to give and to recieve. Im sure there will be hard times and a lot of times where I will want to quit but I know that I will stick to it...The hardest part right now that im trying to come to grips with is a flight on a plane...Im terrified of it just cuz like my mom says .."ur not in control and thats the scary part...anything could happen " It will be an adventure just like anything else that im sure to experience in my life. The thing im most curious about is whether or not I will want to leave my free paradise...If things get really wonderful then I just might decided to stay ..that means leaving a lot of things and that means pursuing a lot more different things. Truthfully in my current general state of mind I am ok with having to change goals etc. I figure if I cant do one thing I will do another...I'll get over it ..So I may have some resentment but we all have choices to make and we all make choices depending on the situation. I will never take it out on my kids that I couldnt do what I wanted...I will know that I did what I thought was best and I handled the situation in such a way that I thought would bring about the best outcome. If it would end in my death well then I know I fucked up somewhere along the lines and next time around I'll choose differently (should there be a next time - should I be granted a second chance) Sometimes I wonder when I'll die ..when and how etc ..Perhaps its morbid to contemplate ones own demise But maybe in another way its more realistic..If I knew beforehand I would try and act surprised instead of saying something like "I told ya' that arrow would bounce back" or "Pffft ...I told ya' that you'd kill us all" see something like that really wouldnt help things but I do really think about when I'll die..Sure it will be a sad occasion for some (funerals are usually a sad event) Unless im a really old prick in which case I would imagine the words "I hated that fucker when he was an old bastard but when he was younger he wasnt that much of an asshole" will be muttered in some way shape and or form.
It's ok though ..The way I figure it, if I do die for a noble cause or for a stupid mistake then that was just as a result of the choices I made in order to bring about the best outcome. My greatest achievement in life will always be my ability to find love....As I have no delusions about my looks and or my abilities to "take care of business" so to speak ..I know what I can and cant do despite what I say to friends and or employers in order to get a job..I know that personally ..I have limitations that I try to push for whatever reasons. I do however thank god (if there is a god) for all the good and the bad cuz I know that even though I HATE the bad things cuz they usually come in the form of "I only go for people with looks" or "You tried to rape me" or even "you'll never get through your education with that attitude" or constantly hearing im worthless..Even though I did very much feel like killing someone / something after hearing each of those phrases that have been with me in my mind for the longest time just saving up strength until one day I possibly explode and actually do KILL a lot of people ....By the way I have a lot of pent up rage which im sure my friends / surrounding bystanders are aware of. But in any case ...I think my vacation will relieve SOoooooooooooooooo much of that...sure I will still have all that anger but where im going NO one will have heard even one little thing about me. In public school I wanted to reinvent myself ..it was a second chance...I still fucked up so here's the 3rd times a charm bit thats going to take effect. Over there I will be known for other things rather than how the people here know me ..I will leave everything behind (except cloths, money, jewelery, colognes and some electronic equipment) and become my new unbruised self...Im just praying for one more chance and it seems to me if there is a god (though I have personal experiences which dont make me go either way on the question of whether or not there is a god) and just to make this little rant a little bit longer FUCK every other god...EVERY god thats either considered jesus or what not ...I consider my god in a different way...IE Not as he / she is portrayed in any sort of bible be it moslim or christian or catholic or what not..I believe in a god that would be happy with knowing that I believe in him because certain events that I know of that took place in my life have lead me to believe so...I dont need a church or a synagogue or a mosque for someone to tell me that women are sinful bitches or women are the root of evil ..or women are what made man so corruptable or whatever they will spew to help themselves out. and I figure that a lot of people may be pissed at that last bit but hey..if you have faith in a higher power I firmly believe that your faith lies in ur heart not what u hear in a church...organized religion has unfortunately become a problem. IT happened..Shit happens...I think believing in ur own way rather than how a local church tells you is the best way to do it (though that sounds contradictory ...it isnt...If ur belief is that you absolutely NEED to be in a church then hopefully that is YOUR OWN PERSONAL feeling not a feeling of tradition or a feeling of "my parents would be pissed if I didnt go" type of feeling) Hell the way I figure it....God would put you through the toughest kind of hell of a life on earth ......but it would do it for a reason..not just cuz you believe in him. Though in the case that there isnt a god and your life is totally urs then you really fucked up plain and simple. THOUGH The other part of it is you had some shitty teachers along the way SO though its not totally ur fault for the position ur in - that doesnt mean your totally free of being on a shit list. I figure god would be the kind of being that would readily beat ur ass but afterwards explain why it did what it did ...It wouldnt keep secrets and it would tell you directly "Hey ...thats why I put that giant snake in ur pants...u were a real asshole and your kids would've been REAL fuckin nasty sons of bitches so I had to clean that mess up before it happened" Though im sure it wouldnt use those words exactly and I have to be careful when referring to the gender of said god..it could very well be a woman (and screw all the people that say of course god is a woman ...life is terrible for men) and it could very well be a man (and screw all the people that say of course god is a man ...he HAS TO BE ...No woman could ever create the world) Thats a load of gender constructed bullshit..hey ya' know what ..God could be a fucking cow and we would never know it...and just to piss off more people (just in case the above didnt piss off that many people) JESUS WAS A COMMUNIST...Stick that in ur fuckin pipe and smoke it. If ya' dont believe me...Look up some of the REAL BELIEFS ..not this bullshit CNN tells you about communists..and look up some of the things that A REAL COMMUNIST SOCIETY WOULD DO ...and im not talkin about "OHhhh China is communist ...russia is communist ...cuba is communist " thats SO much bullshit that I just wanna slap people that say such stupid fucking bullshit ...THere is no fucking way that ANY fucking country on this world in ANY fucking period of history would be communist..NO fucking way possible..MAYBE ...MAYBE back in the days when people traded instead of buying But even then ..thats the beginning of capitalism SO make sure that any fucker you see that says "china is communist and WE're Socialist" (thats the worst fucking one by the way ...BULLFUCKINGSHIT were socialist...WE're Nowhere fucking close...we are so capitalist that its fucking sickening) BUT that in itself is another problem ...People hear capitalist and they will say something like "ewww yucky ...evil sons of bitchs will kill us all" well In the end Capitalism will kill the world ..BUT a lot of people (from what Ive noticed ) that either complain about our society being too capitalist or whatever are usually the people that dont have a lot of money to reap the benefits of being a rich motherfucker..Become a multi-millionaire and tell me if you still hate capitalism...YOu'll never pay so little towards taxes if you have millions of dollars in the bank...BUt I hope for ur sake that if the country ever goes to like martial law that you have some money litterally buried in a big giant deep fuckin hole in the ground that no one can get to so you can get urself out of any sort of debts. SO yeah back to my point ..These reality TV shows...HOly fucking mother of christ god in heaven piece of shit Motherfucking cock sucking shit licking piece of death mother fucking cock bite assholes someone FUCKING END THESE SHIT REALITY TV SHOWS....NEVER have I seeN SO MANY FUCKERS WORTHY OF A ROUTINE EXECUTION....I SWEAR TO ALMIGHTY GOD OR ALLAH OR THE LORD PRINCE SIDARTHA BUDDHA I WILL PERSONALLY GO ON A JIHAD TO MOP THE FLOOR WITH THESE BULLSHIT REALITY TV SHOWS...FOR FUCKS SAKES...BETWEEN THE WHORES ON OUTBACK JACK AND THE OTHER DIRTIER WHORES ON FUCKING "FOR LOVE OR MONEY" I CANT KEEP MY FUCKING SANITY....THESE PIECE OF SHIT COCK BITES ARE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF SELF CENTERED WHORES THAT EVER LIVE" OK I cant go on any more rants about these reality tv bullshit mother fucking assholes ...that important person who brings the best out in me came on so im going to ...so I'll be back to talk about reality tv shows later...bunch of fucking assholes