A new year, a new perspective, and some doubts that have made me less than I know I should be.
If you are reading this entry, and have read my entries before, you know somewhat about how I feel the way I do.
Not updating this piece of shit thing for months only leaves me with a lot to explain on my behalf, but also on the behalf of those who I wish I knew more of.
The first thing I will address is this:
A few months back, my father needed open heart surgery. As a child growing up, I think it's safe to say that a majority of us don't want to think about our parents' mortality, or how it will effect us. When the time came for my father to undergo this procedure, a lot of people that I thought were 'trivial, friends across the U.S." stepped in to be my friend.
- Tony and Dawn Panzarella. I've known them for years on a 'buddy level'. At the same time, they were one of the main crutches I had to lean on in order to get throgh this, in a sane manner.
Bria from Missouri. We were never 'tight', but she never tried to be TOO inspirational. She tried to be a friend. That last sentence cam put me to tears, given the serious work she put it, just for caring about how I felt. How "I" was doing.
.....
For those of you who know the dipshit who tried to clown on my father's depression - Retribution has been muffled, long enough. Even if you are my friends, my vengeance will be swift, and almost undetectable. When the moment is right, I will savor every second.
____________
I could go on for days in all the minute ways people have extended their ears, hearts, and minds when this part of my life came to fruition. I am eternally grateful, and may never be able to give 'the big hug', or say what I want to say to these people.
It's always been my downfall. Saying what is necessary, when the pressure is on. I blow, plain and simple.
________________________
Another thing that has racked my brain for about a week now is, Bex.
Yes, whoever reads this regularly knows who I am referring to.
She's got her own agenda, and has had one for some time now, I am sure. Thing is, she sent word to me awhile back that she wanted me to be her friend again, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. The pain I went through at the end of that relationship was unnecessary. Especially her throwing her newfound sexual exploits in my face, just to try and piss me off.
It worked, obviously. I cared about a stranger for 4+ years only to get judged, jury'd, and executed within a matter of minutes.
I question if I did the right thing, but I know in my heart I didn't. I don't have a friend that I wish I could talk to tonight. Someone who would let me vent unconditionally, so that I might think ahead without dwelling.
She was that to me, and I am grateful for her ears in those times.
WIll I find someone like that again? Hopefully.
Soon? Doubtful.
----------
Guess that's a "Thanks for everything while it lasted, Bex".
Eheeh.
So here I am, the way I have always said I've wanted it.
Me in control.
Everyone shunned out.
Able to take on douchebags without fear of retribution on those I love.
Able to not care about my well being.
_____________
Saying that about myself scares me, for one sole reason: .... I know it's true.
I've trained myself in a 'Kill or be killed' mode for so long, I have basically given up on having a relationship with anyone that goes further than 'Hey, nice outfit. You look pretty'.
_________
I am lonely , right now. But, that is okay, to me. I am used to it.
The question is, "When will someone see where I come from"?
I doubt that day will ever come, and I am damnede to a life that will make me no more than my childhood fantasy: A ninja, stealth to the world.
More or less, I guess. I mean, I hope ninjas smoke weed.
Just kidding. Stay black.
Not updating this piece of shit thing for months only leaves me with a lot to explain on my behalf, but also on the behalf of those who I wish I knew more of.
The first thing I will address is this:
A few months back, my father needed open heart surgery. As a child growing up, I think it's safe to say that a majority of us don't want to think about our parents' mortality, or how it will effect us. When the time came for my father to undergo this procedure, a lot of people that I thought were 'trivial, friends across the U.S." stepped in to be my friend.
- Tony and Dawn Panzarella. I've known them for years on a 'buddy level'. At the same time, they were one of the main crutches I had to lean on in order to get throgh this, in a sane manner.
Bria from Missouri. We were never 'tight', but she never tried to be TOO inspirational. She tried to be a friend. That last sentence cam put me to tears, given the serious work she put it, just for caring about how I felt. How "I" was doing.
.....
For those of you who know the dipshit who tried to clown on my father's depression - Retribution has been muffled, long enough. Even if you are my friends, my vengeance will be swift, and almost undetectable. When the moment is right, I will savor every second.
____________
I could go on for days in all the minute ways people have extended their ears, hearts, and minds when this part of my life came to fruition. I am eternally grateful, and may never be able to give 'the big hug', or say what I want to say to these people.
It's always been my downfall. Saying what is necessary, when the pressure is on. I blow, plain and simple.
________________________
Another thing that has racked my brain for about a week now is, Bex.
Yes, whoever reads this regularly knows who I am referring to.
She's got her own agenda, and has had one for some time now, I am sure. Thing is, she sent word to me awhile back that she wanted me to be her friend again, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. The pain I went through at the end of that relationship was unnecessary. Especially her throwing her newfound sexual exploits in my face, just to try and piss me off.
It worked, obviously. I cared about a stranger for 4+ years only to get judged, jury'd, and executed within a matter of minutes.
I question if I did the right thing, but I know in my heart I didn't. I don't have a friend that I wish I could talk to tonight. Someone who would let me vent unconditionally, so that I might think ahead without dwelling.
She was that to me, and I am grateful for her ears in those times.
WIll I find someone like that again? Hopefully.
Soon? Doubtful.
----------
Guess that's a "Thanks for everything while it lasted, Bex".
Eheeh.
So here I am, the way I have always said I've wanted it.
Me in control.
Everyone shunned out.
Able to take on douchebags without fear of retribution on those I love.
Able to not care about my well being.
_____________
Saying that about myself scares me, for one sole reason: .... I know it's true.
I've trained myself in a 'Kill or be killed' mode for so long, I have basically given up on having a relationship with anyone that goes further than 'Hey, nice outfit. You look pretty'.
_________
I am lonely , right now. But, that is okay, to me. I am used to it.
The question is, "When will someone see where I come from"?
I doubt that day will ever come, and I am damnede to a life that will make me no more than my childhood fantasy: A ninja, stealth to the world.
More or less, I guess. I mean, I hope ninjas smoke weed.
Just kidding. Stay black.