Don't mind this.
I want to post something, but at the same time I really really don't, because everything I have to say is just emo angst self-loathing that I guess I really have no business saying. Or maybe I do, but I just feel like I can't say it because I don't want to come off like I'm garnering sympathy because shit like that has a tenancy to piss people off.
Whatever.
I'm in the low cycle of a depression again. I've almost cried today over like three different things, all of them miniscule and stupid on the grander scale of things.
I just climbed out of the shower. They're supposed to make you feel better, you know? Well, I'm still fighting back tears so my roommate won't see me cry and ask what's wrong.
It was a hot shower. That's rare, I usually take mine cold or lukewarm. Sometimes I think I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't take scalding fucking showers, since every time I use somebody else's or a communal, it's always set to fucking inferno. It was about thirty minutes long. That's about average. I wish it was longer, but I just didn't feel justified sitting on the floor thinking about how much I hate everything about me.
I've already got bruises on my hips from my IBA. The IBA of course being the 30lb vest I have to wear every day now, along with my LBV, Kevlar, pro mask, and weapon. All of these things together culminate in something called battle rattle. Full battle rattle means you are wearing all of it. It's something like 45lb all together. On the bright side, I guess I'm doing a lot of walking in it which will help my PT test next month. On the not-so-bright side, like I said, my hips already have bruises and I continually lose feeling in my right arm with my rifle slung.
The skin around my fingertails is tearing up, one tiny strip at a time. I keep picking at it, pulling out my nail clippers to slice it all off, make everything as smooth as I can all over again, but the next time I look it's back and I'm doing it again. I have two fingers that have not bled yet, but I keep doing it. I keep thinking about running to the shopette for bandaids to wear to stop me, but I'd have to wear them on every finger and I don't want people asking me what I did to myself. But I keep doing it.
So anyway, I'm sitting in the shower thinking about all this, all this stuff that's going on around me right now, and I think, what good am I? Seriously. All I do is fuck things up, cause problems, piss people off, I don't have a job, I really really don't have a life outside of the internet and a lot of the time I feel like even that is crumbling, my parents nag me constantly about everything, I'm not going to school, I can't even decide what school I want to go to. The more I think about it the more I think, do I really want an animation degree? I love it, but I don't know if I can manage it. And even if I did, could I get a job with it? It's a 2D animation degree, who the fuck does that anymore? But it's pretty much the only thing in my life I've ever found the inspiration to be really passionate about, besides dinosaurs. And who the fuck wants to go to school in Berkeley for a degree that will earn them absolutely zero money (unless they're really fucking lucky and become the next Burge Kirkland).
I'm lost. I'm really lost.
Sometimes I think about making entries private, but I feel like my thoughts aren't validated unless somebody else has seen them. I want to disable comments, but I know that just makes people concerned and makes them want to ask what it's all about over AIM or e-mail or something. I feel like making entries like this is seen as trying to garner sympathy from people who know or think they know why I'm upset.
No PT tomorrow. Maybe I can actually get a good night's sleep.
I'm just depressed. It'll fix itself eventually, I guess. I'm just going to avoid people until I'm back from Korea. I needed a vacation, so I'm taking it. Don't IM me. If I want to talk to you, I'll IM you. If you do and I don't want to talk to you, I'm not going to respond.
Bugle, episode 8 tomorrow after I get off work. Don't let me forget. It actually cheered me up a lot while we were watching (I told you I like watching anime together more than reading manga together!), even if I took a total nosedive after you left.
[Edit] So many things I want to say just kind of die on the runway just because I don't want people giving me shit about it.
I'm feeling so vindictive and mean right now. There are so many things I just want to say, ties I want to cut and bridges I want to burn and things I want to drop (the more I think about it, the more it seems like this game is more trouble than it's worth) but I won't let myself do it or say it because I know it's just the mood I'm in. I might regret it later, I might not. I don't want to risk regretting it because I made a choice in a fit of self-pity that cut me off from something I would have later needed and/or enjoyed.
I need an outside life so all this can stop being my world. My allegiences fluctuate so quickly, one incident can have me turn my back on one friend in favour of another, and the next incident can have me right back the other way. I don't keep friends long without growing out of touch. Slink and Peter are the only two I can really claim, and I'd consider both of them best friends. Everyone else, I guess I feel like I'm having a bunch of falling-outs with all you guys. Not that you've probably read this far to see that, but that's how I feel. Falling out with you, majorly falling out with you, and falling out with you by proxy even though we're not that good of friends.
I kind of just feel like my life is a game of chutes and ladders and I just got that really unlucky roll that lands you at the top of that really long chute that takes you all the way back down to the beginning. [/Edit]
Whatever.
I'm in the low cycle of a depression again. I've almost cried today over like three different things, all of them miniscule and stupid on the grander scale of things.
I just climbed out of the shower. They're supposed to make you feel better, you know? Well, I'm still fighting back tears so my roommate won't see me cry and ask what's wrong.
It was a hot shower. That's rare, I usually take mine cold or lukewarm. Sometimes I think I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't take scalding fucking showers, since every time I use somebody else's or a communal, it's always set to fucking inferno. It was about thirty minutes long. That's about average. I wish it was longer, but I just didn't feel justified sitting on the floor thinking about how much I hate everything about me.
I've already got bruises on my hips from my IBA. The IBA of course being the 30lb vest I have to wear every day now, along with my LBV, Kevlar, pro mask, and weapon. All of these things together culminate in something called battle rattle. Full battle rattle means you are wearing all of it. It's something like 45lb all together. On the bright side, I guess I'm doing a lot of walking in it which will help my PT test next month. On the not-so-bright side, like I said, my hips already have bruises and I continually lose feeling in my right arm with my rifle slung.
The skin around my fingertails is tearing up, one tiny strip at a time. I keep picking at it, pulling out my nail clippers to slice it all off, make everything as smooth as I can all over again, but the next time I look it's back and I'm doing it again. I have two fingers that have not bled yet, but I keep doing it. I keep thinking about running to the shopette for bandaids to wear to stop me, but I'd have to wear them on every finger and I don't want people asking me what I did to myself. But I keep doing it.
So anyway, I'm sitting in the shower thinking about all this, all this stuff that's going on around me right now, and I think, what good am I? Seriously. All I do is fuck things up, cause problems, piss people off, I don't have a job, I really really don't have a life outside of the internet and a lot of the time I feel like even that is crumbling, my parents nag me constantly about everything, I'm not going to school, I can't even decide what school I want to go to. The more I think about it the more I think, do I really want an animation degree? I love it, but I don't know if I can manage it. And even if I did, could I get a job with it? It's a 2D animation degree, who the fuck does that anymore? But it's pretty much the only thing in my life I've ever found the inspiration to be really passionate about, besides dinosaurs. And who the fuck wants to go to school in Berkeley for a degree that will earn them absolutely zero money (unless they're really fucking lucky and become the next Burge Kirkland).
I'm lost. I'm really lost.
Sometimes I think about making entries private, but I feel like my thoughts aren't validated unless somebody else has seen them. I want to disable comments, but I know that just makes people concerned and makes them want to ask what it's all about over AIM or e-mail or something. I feel like making entries like this is seen as trying to garner sympathy from people who know or think they know why I'm upset.
No PT tomorrow. Maybe I can actually get a good night's sleep.
I'm just depressed. It'll fix itself eventually, I guess. I'm just going to avoid people until I'm back from Korea. I needed a vacation, so I'm taking it. Don't IM me. If I want to talk to you, I'll IM you. If you do and I don't want to talk to you, I'm not going to respond.
Bugle, episode 8 tomorrow after I get off work. Don't let me forget. It actually cheered me up a lot while we were watching (I told you I like watching anime together more than reading manga together!), even if I took a total nosedive after you left.
[Edit] So many things I want to say just kind of die on the runway just because I don't want people giving me shit about it.
I'm feeling so vindictive and mean right now. There are so many things I just want to say, ties I want to cut and bridges I want to burn and things I want to drop (the more I think about it, the more it seems like this game is more trouble than it's worth) but I won't let myself do it or say it because I know it's just the mood I'm in. I might regret it later, I might not. I don't want to risk regretting it because I made a choice in a fit of self-pity that cut me off from something I would have later needed and/or enjoyed.
I need an outside life so all this can stop being my world. My allegiences fluctuate so quickly, one incident can have me turn my back on one friend in favour of another, and the next incident can have me right back the other way. I don't keep friends long without growing out of touch. Slink and Peter are the only two I can really claim, and I'd consider both of them best friends. Everyone else, I guess I feel like I'm having a bunch of falling-outs with all you guys. Not that you've probably read this far to see that, but that's how I feel. Falling out with you, majorly falling out with you, and falling out with you by proxy even though we're not that good of friends.
I kind of just feel like my life is a game of chutes and ladders and I just got that really unlucky roll that lands you at the top of that really long chute that takes you all the way back down to the beginning. [/Edit]