pouring thoughts out after my workout to help reconnect
I can't just sit and cry or think of solutions to problem that isn't mine. I can't be putting myself through the stresses at all times - it just makes it harder. I talk to friends to vent and for insight, but it only helps so far, because the true way to help yourself comes from yourself. So I workout and think. It's moments like this where I was home so I could conveniently sit outside with my laptop typing away. It helps me reconnect more - helps me think better with the fresh air and peacefulness. In a college town it's not as quiet... even in Granville it's not quiet enough... that's why I'd usually go to the farm and walk through the timber either with my Lindy dog or by myself. It's right now when I miss being able to do that. It's one of the few things I liked about back home. When I see how I get with that I don't see how I could ever live in a city. It would only last for a few months (if even that) and I would have to be out.
Maybe a reason for this is to help me get myself more together again. Maybe it's meant for both of us to have some alone time for a while -- or maybe it is meant to end. God only knows, but he has it all happen for a reason. The older I get the more I see it and the more everything I've been through makes sense. Everything perfectly flows from one to the next - it's not always smooth, but works its way out. There's too much order in the world for their not to be a God or a type of higher being. It has never fathomed in my mind how we could all be living only by a scientific chance.
I received a message from an old friend today saying, "Men are weird. Don't let it bother you. If he's that confused then move on. You're pretty so don't sell yourself short." It's an expectant response from a realist that does make sense.
Yes, men are weird. I've tolerated those I shouldn't have, but had always known when not to waste my time. Then with the few occasions where it took me a while to realize that they weren't worth my time because they weren't good for me. To a point I got smart enough to differentiate who I should bother opening myself up to and who not to. I've known who to trust and who not - and most of the time I can tell pretty quickly. I turned so many down that couldn't understand why and I couldn't begin to explain how I knew. Most were just friends, and that's all they were going to be because there wasn't anything else felt. No matter how nice they were or how well I got along with them, I couldn't lie to myself to like him that way. It's either there or its not and it's as simple as that. Then with those where there was something there, I'd get "too busy" excuses and little to no understanding of me. It has always amazed me when I get the "too busy" excuse because I was involved in everything in high school, and worked 40 hours a week while going to my community college and I still found time for those I cared about. When there's a will there's a way and I'm not pulling teeth with someone who clearly doesn't care enough.
But this situation is a tough one. It's not like he doesn't understand, it's not like there's a "clash" anywhere... he acts like he cares, but is confused. Where in such a situation do you draw the line between "forget it or stick around"?
I know what's in my heart, but I love myself enough not to tolerate what is unnecessary. I know you want what's best for me, but I'm not certain which of those if either is right now. You don't ever have to be concerned of me not doing what's best for me. What I want is what's best for you - to stop the confusion and be true to yourself so you can get straightened out and end this.
P.S. I love my friends!! :-) Whenever I start to feel all doubtful and lonely you always happen to pop up and be there.
Maybe a reason for this is to help me get myself more together again. Maybe it's meant for both of us to have some alone time for a while -- or maybe it is meant to end. God only knows, but he has it all happen for a reason. The older I get the more I see it and the more everything I've been through makes sense. Everything perfectly flows from one to the next - it's not always smooth, but works its way out. There's too much order in the world for their not to be a God or a type of higher being. It has never fathomed in my mind how we could all be living only by a scientific chance.
I received a message from an old friend today saying, "Men are weird. Don't let it bother you. If he's that confused then move on. You're pretty so don't sell yourself short." It's an expectant response from a realist that does make sense.
Yes, men are weird. I've tolerated those I shouldn't have, but had always known when not to waste my time. Then with the few occasions where it took me a while to realize that they weren't worth my time because they weren't good for me. To a point I got smart enough to differentiate who I should bother opening myself up to and who not to. I've known who to trust and who not - and most of the time I can tell pretty quickly. I turned so many down that couldn't understand why and I couldn't begin to explain how I knew. Most were just friends, and that's all they were going to be because there wasn't anything else felt. No matter how nice they were or how well I got along with them, I couldn't lie to myself to like him that way. It's either there or its not and it's as simple as that. Then with those where there was something there, I'd get "too busy" excuses and little to no understanding of me. It has always amazed me when I get the "too busy" excuse because I was involved in everything in high school, and worked 40 hours a week while going to my community college and I still found time for those I cared about. When there's a will there's a way and I'm not pulling teeth with someone who clearly doesn't care enough.
But this situation is a tough one. It's not like he doesn't understand, it's not like there's a "clash" anywhere... he acts like he cares, but is confused. Where in such a situation do you draw the line between "forget it or stick around"?
I know what's in my heart, but I love myself enough not to tolerate what is unnecessary. I know you want what's best for me, but I'm not certain which of those if either is right now. You don't ever have to be concerned of me not doing what's best for me. What I want is what's best for you - to stop the confusion and be true to yourself so you can get straightened out and end this.
P.S. I love my friends!! :-) Whenever I start to feel all doubtful and lonely you always happen to pop up and be there.