Sep 20, 2008 10:29
The two big problems I've been dealing with lately are depression and envy.
The depression is mostly because I work my ass of and have almost nothing to show for it. I make well above minimum wage and work 40+ hours /week, and I still have to ration out purchases like new work shoes, bras, knitting needles, and haircuts. I need to get new work shoes with this paycheck, my old ones are falling apart, so I can't get a haircut even though I totally want one and am excited about the prospect of having short hair again. And it's not like I'd spend that much money on either the shoes or the haircut. I'd be looking for $30 shoes, and I'd maybe spend $25 on a haircut if I wanted to spoil myself. But I can't, because my student loan payments are currently about a third of my income (totally my fault for ignoring my loans so long) and while my SO recently started working again he hasn't gotten his first paycheck yet.
The envy is not actually because other people can afford to get shoes and haircuts in the same pay-period. The envy is because my SO makes friends everywhere he goes, both online and in meatspace, while I'm sitting on the sidelines feeling like a social retard. He has actually had people beg him to return to online roleplaying games that he's left. People will play or not play depending on whether he's online that day. Women have invited him to leave me and come move in with them. He turned them down, but jebus... Due to the nature of the roleplay I can't help but feel he is sharing more of his passion with other women than with me, and I know that he has more having fun time with almost everyone else besides me just because I don't have that much having fun time on my schedule.
I want some goddamned passion and It's just not there. I feel like everywhere I should have passion I have worry. And that's way, way worse than not being able to get a haircut.
rl