please excuse the ranting. 26.6.06
I had a good day until a couple of hours ago, and now I am just really pissed and frustrated with John and I hate men.
I’ll explain in a minute.
Today was good..I wrote a section about domestic violence-kinds of violence, the cycle of violence, warning signs, and what to do about it. It’s a good section, very solid and not too long, and I’m very proud of it for a morning’s work. I also revised and edited the rest of everything..all 84 pages or whatever. They’re all ready to print except that I don’t know how much spermicide costs. But I guess that’s kind of nominal for the immense amount of effort I’ve put into this curriculum.
I left the office around 4 and went to PPAG, where I met Elizabeth the midwife to buy condoms and stuff for demonstration purposes. When I told her about my weekend and why I wanted condoms, she made a set of amazing stuff for me that she had lying around-a fake penis and woman’s pelvis, so I can actually show how to use condoms (male and female), plus old condoms, samples of injections (Depo and Norigynon), an old set of pills..just everything, and I’m borrowing it for the weekend, and I’m so happy how helpful she is. I forgot to ask her about spermicides but I’m sure she knows, but I’m totally excited about the little kit she made for me, because now I really feel like a teacher. And to think she just had all of that laying around!! I love her for it.
So that was great, and then I went to the post office and mailed a letter to Cass, which was an experience-the clerk weighs stuff and gives you stamps, but you put the stamps on yourself and put it in a slot outside the door, haha..the clerk doesn’t take your package from you, and instead of taping an envelope shut they glue it. How crazy! But I got that done, and then walked to the market and bought completely random stuff, since I’m really only going to be here today and tomorrow. I bought curry powder, balls of fried cassava dough, some beans, and some steel wool to wash dishes with. I might have bought something else totally random but I don’t remember..oh yeah, green beans, which I plan on cooking tonight because I know I won’t have time tomorrow. And peanut brittle. So until after I got back from the market, my day was actually pretty splendid.
When I got back, John was in the office, and of course I went in to see who was in there at 5:30. He told me lots of bad news, including the fact that only two Canadians are coming, and they’re not coming until the 23rd of July, which is almost when I’ll be leaving. He also told me that I have a meeting tomorrow night with the people who run the orphanage and are from the town we’re going to on Thursday. Night things are not good because they ruin my routine of coming here and having a drink at the Peace Club and all of that stuff, so that’s lame, but at least I’ll be able to ask them questions. He also told me that he told them that on Friday I’ll be doing general health stuff and HIV stuff, and then on Sunday “all the women’s stuff.” I’m sorry, but all of this is women’s stuff, and HIV may be a major problem, but so are STIs that get ignored and cause PID and eventual death like chlamydia and gonorrhea. So it kind of perturbed me that he wanted to separate HIV out from all of that equally important stuff, and that he thought that I could possibly cram everything into two days, but for two different groups of people. So..somehow I’ve got to work with the schedule they have and sift and sort out what I’m going to teach when, which isn’t easy when you have almost 100 pages of shit. But whatever..and the last piece of bad news is that we are leaving Thursday and not coming back until Monday or Tuesday, which is way longer than I had planned, and plus, that’s going to be freakin expensive staying in a “guest house” (hotel) for that long and paying for meals and stuff, especially since it will be out of my own pocket since receipts don’t exist here. So all of that was just..not cool. And not cool to tell me three days before we leave. At least I’m going to Accra Wednesday and I can get more money out, I guess.
So then, I asked him to look at my table of contents and see, “if he were me,” what he would teach when. I doubt he’ll look at it because he’s stopped caring about my program and is all about the one coming up in July. And so then I asked him about the domestic violence stuff, and he said it was good and I should teach it, but I said I was not going to teach it and encourage women to get out of bad situations unless they had the proper structures and supports in place (like battered women’s groups, or safe houses, or even laws against domestic violence and police protection and stuff). So we got into this huge, heated argument, where I insisted that it was worse to give women the conscious knowledge that there is something better out there for them if they have no support or means (not just financial, but even governmental or legal) to attain it. And he told me that “even when you are talking about dividing tasks fairly and asking their husbands about it, you say it straight, but I tell the women to do it politely so their husbands don’t get mad and strike them.” At this I became furiously angry. Of course, John had not been reading and writing about domestic violence all day, and he is from here and close minded despite his education, and it is engrained in him that “that’s just the way it works.” And so I understood his obstinance to an extent, and I am very willing to disagree about cultural matters. But when I explained to him why he should not do it, and he simply couldn’t grasp it and tried to argue (completely obscurely and terribly, by the way) that it was the women who should be careful around the men, I fairly lost it. He couldn’t understand that making it the woman who should be cautious, and submissive, and careful not to anger the man-by saying that, he (and I, by extension) is perpetuating the belief that violence is the woman’s fault, that her attitude towards the man merits violence, and that it is something that can be prevented. He couldn’t understand that it’s the man’s problem with his own life and his wife, and that women can do whatever they want to try to stop the violence short of leaving, and nothing will work because it is a cycle and a pattern of behavior that is never reformed by the woman’s actions, however cautious or submissive they may be. He kept trying to argue with me about it, and he has two most terribly disrespectful ways of arguing: the first is that when he is trying to make a point (which is never, ever clear to me, and never logical), he yells over you even if you are trying to talk or in the middle of something, and I finally balled my fists and yelled “will you stop that nonsense?? I hate that!!!” And he stopped. The second is that he never talks directly-always in scenarios that he intends to prove his point, but are never proof, and never relevant to the issue at hand, and encourage him to ramble further until he is talking about something entirely different. I must have asked seven times, “What does this have to do with women being battered?” I got so pissed and frustrated, not only because he was taking liberties with translation, but also because he would not listen to me and try to understand, and is just such a horrible debater. Finally I told him I had to go, and he was quiet for about a millisecond and then continued to try and make his point. When he said something about the man being the “livewire of the family” (I was already outside at this point, walking out of it all) I yelled, “The livewire of the family does not have to be a fucking man!!!!” And then I turned on him and looked him straight in the eye and yelled at him, “A woman can live without a man, damnit!!!” I was so furious and he laughed and said, “Wow.” And I laughed a very bitter and cynical laugh and fairly ran to my door to escape his complete oblivion about how much women suffer. And I am still just seething with hate that he is perpetuating, even if slightly, the belief that women cause violence to be brought upon them, and that he does not want to understand how different it actually is, and I hate that I am a vehicle of that. I hate him right now and really I hate that Ghana is so far behind with women’s rights, and I hate that I had to turn into a blatantly mean-spirited feminist, and I hated every minute of sitting there listening to him yell over me. I am so furious right now with him, and really if he had tried to understand me I wouldn’t be. It’s okay to be ignorant because you grew up with that around you, but it’s not okay to refuse knowledge when it is handed to you on a silver platter in the form of an “aubroni” telling you about the cycles of violence and imploring you to read the document about domestic violence that she has written this very day and is still sharp in her mind. He tried to tell me that the empowerment of women led to divorce, and that “empowerment can be used wrongly, like women turning into aggressors of violence.” And while I agree that empowerment of women can lead to things like divorce, I told him that I think it should, if that’s what needs to happen for a woman’s safety, and that there is nothing wrong about empowerment. I told him that 90% of victims of domestic violence are women, and while I feel terribly for that 10% of men, I feel a lot worse for the 90% of women. Ugh..I show him statistics and everything, all the research and knowledge and everything, and I know what the fuck I’m talking about and he has no clue, and he still has the gall to argue with me about it! I’m so over it. I’m so furious and I really just wanted to hit him and say “see how it feels? Now quit being an idiot and please accept that men dominate women, and fucking appreciate what I’m trying to do here.” But I didn’t because I’m not a batterer. And I’m glad at that, because one day he will be, if he thinks his wife brought it on herself and deserves it. Ugh. It makes me so sick to think about that I want to cry.
So..that was quite a rant. But I hope you can appreciate what I’m up against, even with my “educated” colleagues (and boss, of all people). At any rate, I saw my barber friend after that who didn’t cut my hair and wants me to go with him to the sea and see Kita, the place where there are still huge buildings that once housed slaves bound for the Atlantic. I guess I’ll go with him if I can find time and I wear my wedding ring, and I still hate men enough at that point to be sure that if he touches me or insinuates anything that I will rip his testicles from his body and make him eat them. Whatever..we’ll see. I’m through, sorry for such a long post. Hope you guys are having educated and rational discussions without me. Love you all (unless you’re male and you beat your wife, or think that it’s okay, or your name is John).
I’ll explain in a minute.
Today was good..I wrote a section about domestic violence-kinds of violence, the cycle of violence, warning signs, and what to do about it. It’s a good section, very solid and not too long, and I’m very proud of it for a morning’s work. I also revised and edited the rest of everything..all 84 pages or whatever. They’re all ready to print except that I don’t know how much spermicide costs. But I guess that’s kind of nominal for the immense amount of effort I’ve put into this curriculum.
I left the office around 4 and went to PPAG, where I met Elizabeth the midwife to buy condoms and stuff for demonstration purposes. When I told her about my weekend and why I wanted condoms, she made a set of amazing stuff for me that she had lying around-a fake penis and woman’s pelvis, so I can actually show how to use condoms (male and female), plus old condoms, samples of injections (Depo and Norigynon), an old set of pills..just everything, and I’m borrowing it for the weekend, and I’m so happy how helpful she is. I forgot to ask her about spermicides but I’m sure she knows, but I’m totally excited about the little kit she made for me, because now I really feel like a teacher. And to think she just had all of that laying around!! I love her for it.
So that was great, and then I went to the post office and mailed a letter to Cass, which was an experience-the clerk weighs stuff and gives you stamps, but you put the stamps on yourself and put it in a slot outside the door, haha..the clerk doesn’t take your package from you, and instead of taping an envelope shut they glue it. How crazy! But I got that done, and then walked to the market and bought completely random stuff, since I’m really only going to be here today and tomorrow. I bought curry powder, balls of fried cassava dough, some beans, and some steel wool to wash dishes with. I might have bought something else totally random but I don’t remember..oh yeah, green beans, which I plan on cooking tonight because I know I won’t have time tomorrow. And peanut brittle. So until after I got back from the market, my day was actually pretty splendid.
When I got back, John was in the office, and of course I went in to see who was in there at 5:30. He told me lots of bad news, including the fact that only two Canadians are coming, and they’re not coming until the 23rd of July, which is almost when I’ll be leaving. He also told me that I have a meeting tomorrow night with the people who run the orphanage and are from the town we’re going to on Thursday. Night things are not good because they ruin my routine of coming here and having a drink at the Peace Club and all of that stuff, so that’s lame, but at least I’ll be able to ask them questions. He also told me that he told them that on Friday I’ll be doing general health stuff and HIV stuff, and then on Sunday “all the women’s stuff.” I’m sorry, but all of this is women’s stuff, and HIV may be a major problem, but so are STIs that get ignored and cause PID and eventual death like chlamydia and gonorrhea. So it kind of perturbed me that he wanted to separate HIV out from all of that equally important stuff, and that he thought that I could possibly cram everything into two days, but for two different groups of people. So..somehow I’ve got to work with the schedule they have and sift and sort out what I’m going to teach when, which isn’t easy when you have almost 100 pages of shit. But whatever..and the last piece of bad news is that we are leaving Thursday and not coming back until Monday or Tuesday, which is way longer than I had planned, and plus, that’s going to be freakin expensive staying in a “guest house” (hotel) for that long and paying for meals and stuff, especially since it will be out of my own pocket since receipts don’t exist here. So all of that was just..not cool. And not cool to tell me three days before we leave. At least I’m going to Accra Wednesday and I can get more money out, I guess.
So then, I asked him to look at my table of contents and see, “if he were me,” what he would teach when. I doubt he’ll look at it because he’s stopped caring about my program and is all about the one coming up in July. And so then I asked him about the domestic violence stuff, and he said it was good and I should teach it, but I said I was not going to teach it and encourage women to get out of bad situations unless they had the proper structures and supports in place (like battered women’s groups, or safe houses, or even laws against domestic violence and police protection and stuff). So we got into this huge, heated argument, where I insisted that it was worse to give women the conscious knowledge that there is something better out there for them if they have no support or means (not just financial, but even governmental or legal) to attain it. And he told me that “even when you are talking about dividing tasks fairly and asking their husbands about it, you say it straight, but I tell the women to do it politely so their husbands don’t get mad and strike them.” At this I became furiously angry. Of course, John had not been reading and writing about domestic violence all day, and he is from here and close minded despite his education, and it is engrained in him that “that’s just the way it works.” And so I understood his obstinance to an extent, and I am very willing to disagree about cultural matters. But when I explained to him why he should not do it, and he simply couldn’t grasp it and tried to argue (completely obscurely and terribly, by the way) that it was the women who should be careful around the men, I fairly lost it. He couldn’t understand that making it the woman who should be cautious, and submissive, and careful not to anger the man-by saying that, he (and I, by extension) is perpetuating the belief that violence is the woman’s fault, that her attitude towards the man merits violence, and that it is something that can be prevented. He couldn’t understand that it’s the man’s problem with his own life and his wife, and that women can do whatever they want to try to stop the violence short of leaving, and nothing will work because it is a cycle and a pattern of behavior that is never reformed by the woman’s actions, however cautious or submissive they may be. He kept trying to argue with me about it, and he has two most terribly disrespectful ways of arguing: the first is that when he is trying to make a point (which is never, ever clear to me, and never logical), he yells over you even if you are trying to talk or in the middle of something, and I finally balled my fists and yelled “will you stop that nonsense?? I hate that!!!” And he stopped. The second is that he never talks directly-always in scenarios that he intends to prove his point, but are never proof, and never relevant to the issue at hand, and encourage him to ramble further until he is talking about something entirely different. I must have asked seven times, “What does this have to do with women being battered?” I got so pissed and frustrated, not only because he was taking liberties with translation, but also because he would not listen to me and try to understand, and is just such a horrible debater. Finally I told him I had to go, and he was quiet for about a millisecond and then continued to try and make his point. When he said something about the man being the “livewire of the family” (I was already outside at this point, walking out of it all) I yelled, “The livewire of the family does not have to be a fucking man!!!!” And then I turned on him and looked him straight in the eye and yelled at him, “A woman can live without a man, damnit!!!” I was so furious and he laughed and said, “Wow.” And I laughed a very bitter and cynical laugh and fairly ran to my door to escape his complete oblivion about how much women suffer. And I am still just seething with hate that he is perpetuating, even if slightly, the belief that women cause violence to be brought upon them, and that he does not want to understand how different it actually is, and I hate that I am a vehicle of that. I hate him right now and really I hate that Ghana is so far behind with women’s rights, and I hate that I had to turn into a blatantly mean-spirited feminist, and I hated every minute of sitting there listening to him yell over me. I am so furious right now with him, and really if he had tried to understand me I wouldn’t be. It’s okay to be ignorant because you grew up with that around you, but it’s not okay to refuse knowledge when it is handed to you on a silver platter in the form of an “aubroni” telling you about the cycles of violence and imploring you to read the document about domestic violence that she has written this very day and is still sharp in her mind. He tried to tell me that the empowerment of women led to divorce, and that “empowerment can be used wrongly, like women turning into aggressors of violence.” And while I agree that empowerment of women can lead to things like divorce, I told him that I think it should, if that’s what needs to happen for a woman’s safety, and that there is nothing wrong about empowerment. I told him that 90% of victims of domestic violence are women, and while I feel terribly for that 10% of men, I feel a lot worse for the 90% of women. Ugh..I show him statistics and everything, all the research and knowledge and everything, and I know what the fuck I’m talking about and he has no clue, and he still has the gall to argue with me about it! I’m so over it. I’m so furious and I really just wanted to hit him and say “see how it feels? Now quit being an idiot and please accept that men dominate women, and fucking appreciate what I’m trying to do here.” But I didn’t because I’m not a batterer. And I’m glad at that, because one day he will be, if he thinks his wife brought it on herself and deserves it. Ugh. It makes me so sick to think about that I want to cry.
So..that was quite a rant. But I hope you can appreciate what I’m up against, even with my “educated” colleagues (and boss, of all people). At any rate, I saw my barber friend after that who didn’t cut my hair and wants me to go with him to the sea and see Kita, the place where there are still huge buildings that once housed slaves bound for the Atlantic. I guess I’ll go with him if I can find time and I wear my wedding ring, and I still hate men enough at that point to be sure that if he touches me or insinuates anything that I will rip his testicles from his body and make him eat them. Whatever..we’ll see. I’m through, sorry for such a long post. Hope you guys are having educated and rational discussions without me. Love you all (unless you’re male and you beat your wife, or think that it’s okay, or your name is John).