Completely Unasked For Review: Breaking Dawn!! aka Turn Off the Dawn aka Electric Boogaloo
Y'know, I was a little worried after the 2nd and 3rd movie, which were all a little hard to sit through multiple times. Okay, sure, the second one turned me gay for Jacob and painted a terrible tale of an abusive relationship with an empty shell of a protaganist in the middle. And the third movie had Dakota Fanning and the threesome in the tent. But nothing truly as gut-busting funny as the first movie.
I am proud to report that Breaking Dawn (Turn off the Dawn?), lived up to the impossibly high expectations of "WTF?!?!" I had placed on it. It had it all! Unfortunately, it was only half the book streeeeetched (through abundant use of music videos instead of scenes), into a 2 hour movie. God, that was slow.
And so, I present to you now the unasked for review of T:BD complete with spoilers and chronological reactions to what we were watching on screen, with cameo commentary by Allison, Jenzie, Josh, and Wylie:
- First music video of the film and not more than ten seconds of the movie go by before...Jacob rips his shirt off for the ladies! You could see the director going down his checklist and scratching that one off right away.
- Bella's Dad!! We are all on Team Charlie, so every time he is on screen is the highlight of the film. Especially when threatening his son in law.
- Second laugh of the night: Bella gazing longingly at Edward, who is gazing longingly at...um...the sky out his window? All of gasp that his pompadour is now flat and moody, like him.
- Bella's first wedding...with impossibly cheesy Edward welcoming her to bad CGI-topia. Surrounded her family in one aisle and a large group of Anemic models on the vampire side. The blood-covered couple standing atop mauled wedding guests is the best image of the film. Rock on! Sadly, it was a dream. Suck!
- Edward tells her the tale of how he used to go around killing people...but they were only murderers, so whatevs. *facepalm* Oh, and the entire time he is detailing the greusome murders he committed to his bride to be, the film's score sounds like a light-hearted frolic through a Disney rom-com. Was the composer even watching the film as he scored it?
- Douche-pire!! My boy, Emmett, the valour-jumpsuit-clad meathead from the first film is still a massive dumbass. I love that guy. Best speech at the wedding.
- The wedding itself = Bridal Porn! More time was devoted to the detailing on her dress than anything else, as if the director was purposely helping out all the Twi-tard cosplayers out there who want to make their own by next con.
- Oh, my god, how long are they going to make out in front of everyone they know. This is getting a bit uncomfortable.
- Penis...of DEATH!! Jacob realizes a guy who can rip trees out of the ground will be pile-driving his new bride on their honeymoon and he loses his shit. "You'll kill her!!" he shouts. I presume they left out the rest of the line: "With your vampire peen!"
- "So, he still hasn't told you where you're going for the honeymoon?" Yeah, that's usually in the top ten signs that you married a serial killer. Better say goodbye while you can, mom.
- During the shot of the vampire family grinning creepily as Bella and Edward drive away, Jenzie leans over and says, "Bye now! Thanks for all the snacks!" as they turn to Bella's guests.
- Hey, a remote island in South America, where no one can hear your screams as your pillow-biting husband cripples you with his vampire peen...of DEATH!
- How the hell is she walking after that and not noticing he shattered pelvis? How??
- Cue Edward being a dick (heheh), and turning her beautiful moment into a mind fuck. "Im sorry. It was terrible what I did to you...I'll never touch you again." Asshat! Wake up to the fact that you married a masochist who loves it when you abuse her. It's the basis of your relationship! He spends the rest of the time there avoiding her. WORST. HONEYMOON. EVER.
- Oh, shit! She's preggers. We are cracking up over Edward's shutting down and staring the whole time she is freaking out. That was the most real reaction in the film. Their posture in the car ride to the airport shouts, "You did this to me!!"
- Cue the Karen Carpenter Story, as she turns anorexic. Everyone wants her to kill the baby. So, they aren;t pro-life...but they sure ain't pro-choice, either. What is that, Anti-Life?
- Jasper (the bug-eyed staring vampire who moonlights as an Inuit in Last Airbender), gets his second of two lines for the whole film. I mime writing a check and hand it to him. You can go home now, kid.
- Abusive relationship signs rear their heads again. Edward yells at her for not killing the baby and choosing to die instead. What about him, Bella? Huh!? What about HIM!?!? *slam*
- Is Charlie banging Jacob's mom? WTF is going with them?
- Jacob storms off into the woods in what may be the strangest part of the film (and that's saying a lot), where all the wolves have a coterie and discuss what to do...while mentally chatting in their heads to each other, as they growl. A lot. It was like they were trapped in an echo chamber inside a wolf. And look like the FX crew just switched up color pallets on the same wolf design for all of them and called it a day. I suppose having them all turn back into naked humans and yelling at each other with raging erections would have been a littl awkward. But you know we were all thinking it. Shockingly, this scene is the best acted, most dramatic scene of the film...probably because everyone in it was CGI.
- I am lost at this point, as the guy (Sam) who was most "Don't attack the Cullens, man! SO what if they kill Bella!" suddenly, inexplicably turns and insists they have to kill Bella and the Cullens, like right now!
- The Cullens are surrounded. They can't leave their home to get food. Food that usually consists of deer they hunt in the woods. If only they had three giant wolves protecting them who could kill a fucking deer and bring it to them. Instead, Jacob just sits around going, "uh-huh," whenever they cry about starving.
- "I wish I could see the baby so I could Communicate with it. I mime sticking my head in a vagina and conversing with a child.
- The unborn baby needs to feed on blood! Well, there's only one living guy in the room. I'm sure Edward wouldn;t mind if Jacob pricked his finger and stuck that in his wife's baby hole, would he? I imagine he'd stare at Edward with a smile like last film in the tent. Sadly, no one in the movie thinks of this quite obvious solution to their problem.
- Carlisle, the father (who is clearly a vampire to anyone with sight), tells them all he has some blood downstairs for Bella. They all look at him like, "Are you fucking kidding me? While we've been starving for the past week? Asshole!"
- Bella drinking blood through a straw = precious.
- At this point, we look at Wylie, who is leaning forward in his seat, totally engrossed in the film and pressing his hands to his mouth. He was making us laugh more than the film.
- Time for Douche-pire and Carlisle to make a getaway to get food. They'll have to go fast. So, they run through the woods to get past the wolves. Umm...you guys have a fleet of Volvos...why the hell don't you use THEM?
- Bella tells Jacob and Edward she wants to name the baby the absolutely most absurd name on the planet (Renesme!). Edward lies through his teeth and says it is a great name. Jacob, standing next to him, begins to question why he is still in this movie.
- I knew it was coming, but nothing could prepare me for the baby breaking her spine. Gruesomely. Like, I thought she was transforming into The Thing, that gruesome.
- And no one could prepare Wylie for the brain-melting birth scene where Edward RIPS OUT THE BABY WITH HIS TEETH!! Yes!! We were losing it. Woe to the tweens who sat near us.
- The baby is covered in blood. Covered. In a house full of vampires. I kept whispering, :WIll somebody please lick that baby? It's like a sno-cone, for fuck's sake. Just DO IT!!"
- Edward is giving her CPR, but won't give her mouth to mouth. Why? Cause you are trying to turn her into a vampire (he gave her his "venom"...dirty!)? Then why are you pushing on her chest? DO you have ANY idea what you're doing?
- Jacob is going to kill the baby. He approaches it while Edward's "sister" holds it by the fire (the baby is now spotless, I might add...which means vampire chick must have actually licked her clean after she took it from Edward! Yes!). Oh shit, I think. It's coming. the scene that will break cinema as we know it. And BOOM! The girl looks him in the eye and he imagines her older and hotter and falls in love with her right there. He imprints ALL OVER that baby. And all I can think is, "Is that how pedophiles view their victims? Are they thinking of their future selves when they rape them?"
- The vampires are getting their assess kicked by wolves. All I can think of is how they might not've wanted to teach them how to kill vampires in the last film. Jacob stops the slaughter by telling them they can't kill the baby...cause he imprinted all over that kid! We imagine they cut the scene where a stream of Jacob-wolf urine splashes all over the baby. Territory marked!
- Edward explains the wolf tribes custom on imprinting. No one stares at him for knowing more about their culture than anyone else in the film. Thanks for explaining that, Exposition Boy!
- Having now announced to the world that he imprinted on a fucking baby, Jacob turns back to Edward once the wolves run off. The look of disgust and constipation on Edward's face causes Allison to shout out what he must be thinking: "You want to fuck my daughter??" Unfortunately, the theater is suddenly quiet when she says it. Oops.
- Reading the credits. Dancing in joy. And then...oh, shit it's the Volturi! Michael Sheen and the kid from Sweeney Todd. Oh, holy shit! Michael Sheen!! This epilogue lasts maybe two minutes...and is easily the best part of the movie. Thank you, Michael Sheen, for saving this film by being you.
And thank you for reading this far. I hope it was entertaining. We certainly were entertained. And we walked around the rest of the night imprinting all over everything we saw. Especially babies. Cause that's how Team Charlie roles!
I am proud to report that Breaking Dawn (Turn off the Dawn?), lived up to the impossibly high expectations of "WTF?!?!" I had placed on it. It had it all! Unfortunately, it was only half the book streeeeetched (through abundant use of music videos instead of scenes), into a 2 hour movie. God, that was slow.
And so, I present to you now the unasked for review of T:BD complete with spoilers and chronological reactions to what we were watching on screen, with cameo commentary by Allison, Jenzie, Josh, and Wylie:
- First music video of the film and not more than ten seconds of the movie go by before...Jacob rips his shirt off for the ladies! You could see the director going down his checklist and scratching that one off right away.
- Bella's Dad!! We are all on Team Charlie, so every time he is on screen is the highlight of the film. Especially when threatening his son in law.
- Second laugh of the night: Bella gazing longingly at Edward, who is gazing longingly at...um...the sky out his window? All of gasp that his pompadour is now flat and moody, like him.
- Bella's first wedding...with impossibly cheesy Edward welcoming her to bad CGI-topia. Surrounded her family in one aisle and a large group of Anemic models on the vampire side. The blood-covered couple standing atop mauled wedding guests is the best image of the film. Rock on! Sadly, it was a dream. Suck!
- Edward tells her the tale of how he used to go around killing people...but they were only murderers, so whatevs. *facepalm* Oh, and the entire time he is detailing the greusome murders he committed to his bride to be, the film's score sounds like a light-hearted frolic through a Disney rom-com. Was the composer even watching the film as he scored it?
- Douche-pire!! My boy, Emmett, the valour-jumpsuit-clad meathead from the first film is still a massive dumbass. I love that guy. Best speech at the wedding.
- The wedding itself = Bridal Porn! More time was devoted to the detailing on her dress than anything else, as if the director was purposely helping out all the Twi-tard cosplayers out there who want to make their own by next con.
- Oh, my god, how long are they going to make out in front of everyone they know. This is getting a bit uncomfortable.
- Penis...of DEATH!! Jacob realizes a guy who can rip trees out of the ground will be pile-driving his new bride on their honeymoon and he loses his shit. "You'll kill her!!" he shouts. I presume they left out the rest of the line: "With your vampire peen!"
- "So, he still hasn't told you where you're going for the honeymoon?" Yeah, that's usually in the top ten signs that you married a serial killer. Better say goodbye while you can, mom.
- During the shot of the vampire family grinning creepily as Bella and Edward drive away, Jenzie leans over and says, "Bye now! Thanks for all the snacks!" as they turn to Bella's guests.
- Hey, a remote island in South America, where no one can hear your screams as your pillow-biting husband cripples you with his vampire peen...of DEATH!
- How the hell is she walking after that and not noticing he shattered pelvis? How??
- Cue Edward being a dick (heheh), and turning her beautiful moment into a mind fuck. "Im sorry. It was terrible what I did to you...I'll never touch you again." Asshat! Wake up to the fact that you married a masochist who loves it when you abuse her. It's the basis of your relationship! He spends the rest of the time there avoiding her. WORST. HONEYMOON. EVER.
- Oh, shit! She's preggers. We are cracking up over Edward's shutting down and staring the whole time she is freaking out. That was the most real reaction in the film. Their posture in the car ride to the airport shouts, "You did this to me!!"
- Cue the Karen Carpenter Story, as she turns anorexic. Everyone wants her to kill the baby. So, they aren;t pro-life...but they sure ain't pro-choice, either. What is that, Anti-Life?
- Jasper (the bug-eyed staring vampire who moonlights as an Inuit in Last Airbender), gets his second of two lines for the whole film. I mime writing a check and hand it to him. You can go home now, kid.
- Abusive relationship signs rear their heads again. Edward yells at her for not killing the baby and choosing to die instead. What about him, Bella? Huh!? What about HIM!?!? *slam*
- Is Charlie banging Jacob's mom? WTF is going with them?
- Jacob storms off into the woods in what may be the strangest part of the film (and that's saying a lot), where all the wolves have a coterie and discuss what to do...while mentally chatting in their heads to each other, as they growl. A lot. It was like they were trapped in an echo chamber inside a wolf. And look like the FX crew just switched up color pallets on the same wolf design for all of them and called it a day. I suppose having them all turn back into naked humans and yelling at each other with raging erections would have been a littl awkward. But you know we were all thinking it. Shockingly, this scene is the best acted, most dramatic scene of the film...probably because everyone in it was CGI.
- I am lost at this point, as the guy (Sam) who was most "Don't attack the Cullens, man! SO what if they kill Bella!" suddenly, inexplicably turns and insists they have to kill Bella and the Cullens, like right now!
- The Cullens are surrounded. They can't leave their home to get food. Food that usually consists of deer they hunt in the woods. If only they had three giant wolves protecting them who could kill a fucking deer and bring it to them. Instead, Jacob just sits around going, "uh-huh," whenever they cry about starving.
- "I wish I could see the baby so I could Communicate with it. I mime sticking my head in a vagina and conversing with a child.
- The unborn baby needs to feed on blood! Well, there's only one living guy in the room. I'm sure Edward wouldn;t mind if Jacob pricked his finger and stuck that in his wife's baby hole, would he? I imagine he'd stare at Edward with a smile like last film in the tent. Sadly, no one in the movie thinks of this quite obvious solution to their problem.
- Carlisle, the father (who is clearly a vampire to anyone with sight), tells them all he has some blood downstairs for Bella. They all look at him like, "Are you fucking kidding me? While we've been starving for the past week? Asshole!"
- Bella drinking blood through a straw = precious.
- At this point, we look at Wylie, who is leaning forward in his seat, totally engrossed in the film and pressing his hands to his mouth. He was making us laugh more than the film.
- Time for Douche-pire and Carlisle to make a getaway to get food. They'll have to go fast. So, they run through the woods to get past the wolves. Umm...you guys have a fleet of Volvos...why the hell don't you use THEM?
- Bella tells Jacob and Edward she wants to name the baby the absolutely most absurd name on the planet (Renesme!). Edward lies through his teeth and says it is a great name. Jacob, standing next to him, begins to question why he is still in this movie.
- I knew it was coming, but nothing could prepare me for the baby breaking her spine. Gruesomely. Like, I thought she was transforming into The Thing, that gruesome.
- And no one could prepare Wylie for the brain-melting birth scene where Edward RIPS OUT THE BABY WITH HIS TEETH!! Yes!! We were losing it. Woe to the tweens who sat near us.
- The baby is covered in blood. Covered. In a house full of vampires. I kept whispering, :WIll somebody please lick that baby? It's like a sno-cone, for fuck's sake. Just DO IT!!"
- Edward is giving her CPR, but won't give her mouth to mouth. Why? Cause you are trying to turn her into a vampire (he gave her his "venom"...dirty!)? Then why are you pushing on her chest? DO you have ANY idea what you're doing?
- Jacob is going to kill the baby. He approaches it while Edward's "sister" holds it by the fire (the baby is now spotless, I might add...which means vampire chick must have actually licked her clean after she took it from Edward! Yes!). Oh shit, I think. It's coming. the scene that will break cinema as we know it. And BOOM! The girl looks him in the eye and he imagines her older and hotter and falls in love with her right there. He imprints ALL OVER that baby. And all I can think is, "Is that how pedophiles view their victims? Are they thinking of their future selves when they rape them?"
- The vampires are getting their assess kicked by wolves. All I can think of is how they might not've wanted to teach them how to kill vampires in the last film. Jacob stops the slaughter by telling them they can't kill the baby...cause he imprinted all over that kid! We imagine they cut the scene where a stream of Jacob-wolf urine splashes all over the baby. Territory marked!
- Edward explains the wolf tribes custom on imprinting. No one stares at him for knowing more about their culture than anyone else in the film. Thanks for explaining that, Exposition Boy!
- Having now announced to the world that he imprinted on a fucking baby, Jacob turns back to Edward once the wolves run off. The look of disgust and constipation on Edward's face causes Allison to shout out what he must be thinking: "You want to fuck my daughter??" Unfortunately, the theater is suddenly quiet when she says it. Oops.
- Reading the credits. Dancing in joy. And then...oh, shit it's the Volturi! Michael Sheen and the kid from Sweeney Todd. Oh, holy shit! Michael Sheen!! This epilogue lasts maybe two minutes...and is easily the best part of the movie. Thank you, Michael Sheen, for saving this film by being you.
And thank you for reading this far. I hope it was entertaining. We certainly were entertained. And we walked around the rest of the night imprinting all over everything we saw. Especially babies. Cause that's how Team Charlie roles!