Into the Belly of the Beast
If I pass in one more assignment, I would have passed 4 out of four courses last semester as well as got most of my required courses done so that in the fall I only have one required distance course and the other three can be electives. However to get to that point, I need to first pass that one leftover course and get two of the three of this summer semester done. Easier said than done since one of the course I'm taking this semester is CSA or Sociology of Child Sexual Abuse.
Years ago, I had decided I wanted to take that course because I wanted to understand why it had happened, to me and to anyone else. As a year and more passed by, I'm getting to the point where I sleep better not thinking about it too much anymore. For years I've wondered if it had really happened or if maybe reading BJS at the time with friends who all had negative relations with male relatives might have created a past in my mind or it was my mind slowly realizing something that at the time it could not understand.
I finally have my answer and oddly enough I took it well all things considered.
I still cried for what seemed like a couple hours.
After class on Thursday, I went up to prof and asked her if there were any articles that other survivors had a hard time reading. The way I was stumbling to explain and the feeling you get when your throat feels clogged with something at a time you have something important to say; I had my answer in my head as I got through that discussion trying not to cry. There are some readings I am exempt from but I'm going to read them anyway. Short of confronting the bastard, this is my closure on the issue.
It's not like I haven't considered confronting him before; it's just that I always thought karma would take care of it. Except what happened is for someone who smoked like a chimney stack and drank like a fish, he survived lung cancer and got a new liver. That's when the trauma finally hit me after all these years. But like when it all stopped, I am stronger than him now. It wouldn't take much for me to borrow my mother's key and arrange an accident...but I won't. Because I didn't chose what happened; he did. Unlike him, this I will chose because I am not a monster of the same cloth. I was also raised with superheroes and that's what they would do.
But as I said, this course is only partway through and I have it till the end of June. It's confronting the beast after all these years. I think I am ready.
Years ago, I had decided I wanted to take that course because I wanted to understand why it had happened, to me and to anyone else. As a year and more passed by, I'm getting to the point where I sleep better not thinking about it too much anymore. For years I've wondered if it had really happened or if maybe reading BJS at the time with friends who all had negative relations with male relatives might have created a past in my mind or it was my mind slowly realizing something that at the time it could not understand.
I finally have my answer and oddly enough I took it well all things considered.
I still cried for what seemed like a couple hours.
After class on Thursday, I went up to prof and asked her if there were any articles that other survivors had a hard time reading. The way I was stumbling to explain and the feeling you get when your throat feels clogged with something at a time you have something important to say; I had my answer in my head as I got through that discussion trying not to cry. There are some readings I am exempt from but I'm going to read them anyway. Short of confronting the bastard, this is my closure on the issue.
It's not like I haven't considered confronting him before; it's just that I always thought karma would take care of it. Except what happened is for someone who smoked like a chimney stack and drank like a fish, he survived lung cancer and got a new liver. That's when the trauma finally hit me after all these years. But like when it all stopped, I am stronger than him now. It wouldn't take much for me to borrow my mother's key and arrange an accident...but I won't. Because I didn't chose what happened; he did. Unlike him, this I will chose because I am not a monster of the same cloth. I was also raised with superheroes and that's what they would do.
But as I said, this course is only partway through and I have it till the end of June. It's confronting the beast after all these years. I think I am ready.