Mediocrity and Newness
When I began this entry, it was on a bad day. I did little more than wake up and wash my face. The day after was supposed to be getting blood tests done, get my prescription for sleeping pills as much as I hate the idea and having at least one professor allow to meet drop a course. So much for that plan.
Since then, I did manage to see a doctor at the university clinic a couple times and therefore was able to get a note for my faculty in order to drop all my courses at once. My counselor feels confident that's all that needs to be done but I have this uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. Never have I been so glad that a year is almost over. I had once upon a time thought 2013 would be a really happy year for me. I take it back wholeheartedly. It was like a mystical force of what could go would go wrong. I'm already a paranoid person by nature, whether it be from upraising or anxiety, so all it took was the littlest thing to turn my world on its head, forcing me to retreat into the safety of my apartment.
I'm home for the holidays but it's a battle. Inwardly I want to pick a fight with M over the littlest thing and I cannot for the life of me understand why. My counselor and I had went over lashing out in our last session, a result of me wanting control. It is why when I feel threatened, I feel the desire to wrestle control by channeling aggression, thus whenever M says something (regardless of intention), I am likely to lecture him (as the superior) rather than have a conversation (as equals). Spelled out like that, I don't like it. I do not like picking on someone who hasn't done anything wrong for no reason.
Both of my laptops, Urda and Jord, are on life support. M isn't so sure if Urda could be revived but he could do something about Jord. Regardless of how much I didn't like the situation, I did require a new laptop, which brings me to Freyja. She's a little 11" Asus Vivobook, with a similar size and weight to a Macbook Air, which I do admire, but after playing with her for a few hours, I'm glad I went with Asus. Even M had to admit she's gorgeous with her metal pink finish. The only problem is that she won't fit into Jord's old case, as Jord was a 10" Sony Vaio W. Not too fond of the idea of buying a new case that fits well but I'd rather have a case than a laptop that's been scratched up.
As silly as M finds it, I do measure a bit of my life by which computer I'm using and how it aligns with fandom. Freya was my first foray into fandom, specifically of the anime variety, Elda was graduating high school and the high point of my anime fandoms, Urda was library studies, Genbu Kaiden, Marvel, A:TLA and LJ; Jord was Young Justice, DC and Tumblr. Freyja is the final year of a university degree that I hope to put behind me upon completion. Fandom-wise, Freyja is a means to keep my different aliases separate. At this point, I operate five different Tumblrs for different fandoms. I do wonder why I do this other than the fact that I'm unhappy with my main identity. It is only recently I realized this correlated with how I felt about myself.
Still, I'll take any new beginnings I'm given, especially since I don't have much to work with currently.
Since then, I did manage to see a doctor at the university clinic a couple times and therefore was able to get a note for my faculty in order to drop all my courses at once. My counselor feels confident that's all that needs to be done but I have this uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. Never have I been so glad that a year is almost over. I had once upon a time thought 2013 would be a really happy year for me. I take it back wholeheartedly. It was like a mystical force of what could go would go wrong. I'm already a paranoid person by nature, whether it be from upraising or anxiety, so all it took was the littlest thing to turn my world on its head, forcing me to retreat into the safety of my apartment.
I'm home for the holidays but it's a battle. Inwardly I want to pick a fight with M over the littlest thing and I cannot for the life of me understand why. My counselor and I had went over lashing out in our last session, a result of me wanting control. It is why when I feel threatened, I feel the desire to wrestle control by channeling aggression, thus whenever M says something (regardless of intention), I am likely to lecture him (as the superior) rather than have a conversation (as equals). Spelled out like that, I don't like it. I do not like picking on someone who hasn't done anything wrong for no reason.
Both of my laptops, Urda and Jord, are on life support. M isn't so sure if Urda could be revived but he could do something about Jord. Regardless of how much I didn't like the situation, I did require a new laptop, which brings me to Freyja. She's a little 11" Asus Vivobook, with a similar size and weight to a Macbook Air, which I do admire, but after playing with her for a few hours, I'm glad I went with Asus. Even M had to admit she's gorgeous with her metal pink finish. The only problem is that she won't fit into Jord's old case, as Jord was a 10" Sony Vaio W. Not too fond of the idea of buying a new case that fits well but I'd rather have a case than a laptop that's been scratched up.
As silly as M finds it, I do measure a bit of my life by which computer I'm using and how it aligns with fandom. Freya was my first foray into fandom, specifically of the anime variety, Elda was graduating high school and the high point of my anime fandoms, Urda was library studies, Genbu Kaiden, Marvel, A:TLA and LJ; Jord was Young Justice, DC and Tumblr. Freyja is the final year of a university degree that I hope to put behind me upon completion. Fandom-wise, Freyja is a means to keep my different aliases separate. At this point, I operate five different Tumblrs for different fandoms. I do wonder why I do this other than the fact that I'm unhappy with my main identity. It is only recently I realized this correlated with how I felt about myself.
Still, I'll take any new beginnings I'm given, especially since I don't have much to work with currently.