Why Do We Fall?
I'm not going to lie. I have been in a bad place for a while. Depending on which day you ask me, I'll give you a different answer to when it started. I've tried writing in my paper journals but somehow that seems to intensify the problems because I avoid talking about the actual problem. Here, I won't. After all, that's what this journal was created for. I think to the days where I say the bad place started last year when I hacked off a chunk of my hair. I don't grow my hair long because of vanity; I grow it because I'm too lazy to cut it and because I have it wired in my head to cut my hair before I cut skin. It's a warning system, a visual indicator for days when I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head.
I think to the days when I say 2013 has been horrible, but I got through it. What I'm afraid of is that this is the one thing I cannot. I'm on my last year of university but I have yet to make it in the nine years since I've graduated from high school. Every time I make it to sight distance away from the finish line, I trip, I fall. Then I give up and don't bother. I throw in the towel and go to lick my wounds somewhere away from the world. It's a cycle that never factors in life, time, love, friendship, loyalty, goals or anyone's happiness.
I keep trying to tell myself that I'm stronger than that. My councillor tells me I need self-love but belief is not gotten that way. I feel I've been given too many chances and no results. I'm one of those people who believe in results and for that, I believe I would be terrible as a leader or a boss. I have produced no results for myself. I can't tell you the last time I've done something worth it, whether it's fanfic or papers. My tongue is full of half-promises to buy me time to run away.
I turn to this journal as a last ditch effort. Last ditch before needing something more professional like antidepressants or other forms of approved therapy. I've talked to my councillor for years and while there has been some progress, I feel there is some that can be made by forcing myself to talk it out straight rather than the meandering I've been doing for four or five journals.
I think to the days when I say 2013 has been horrible, but I got through it. What I'm afraid of is that this is the one thing I cannot. I'm on my last year of university but I have yet to make it in the nine years since I've graduated from high school. Every time I make it to sight distance away from the finish line, I trip, I fall. Then I give up and don't bother. I throw in the towel and go to lick my wounds somewhere away from the world. It's a cycle that never factors in life, time, love, friendship, loyalty, goals or anyone's happiness.
I keep trying to tell myself that I'm stronger than that. My councillor tells me I need self-love but belief is not gotten that way. I feel I've been given too many chances and no results. I'm one of those people who believe in results and for that, I believe I would be terrible as a leader or a boss. I have produced no results for myself. I can't tell you the last time I've done something worth it, whether it's fanfic or papers. My tongue is full of half-promises to buy me time to run away.
I turn to this journal as a last ditch effort. Last ditch before needing something more professional like antidepressants or other forms of approved therapy. I've talked to my councillor for years and while there has been some progress, I feel there is some that can be made by forcing myself to talk it out straight rather than the meandering I've been doing for four or five journals.