Singularity
A few days ago I was playing a game online with a friend from Ontario. We were both having some connection problems. I was just sitting there doing my own thing when suddenly he said the following:
"haha...the bestiality inherent in human beings"
I was midway through typing 'what' in "...what the fuck are you talking about" when he abruptly logged off. I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I brushed it off, figuring he was in the middle of making some sort of subtler point when he was suddenly logged off against his will. Why he would have had anything to say on the subject of bestiality was beyond me, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The next day I was carrying on several conversations simultaneously when a different friend logged on.
"parents came I am curtained" she said. I squinted suspiciously at my screen and switched to another conversation to consult with the participants there before responding.
"Guys," I said tentatively, "I think I'm being contacted by some sort of internet singularity. Has that ever happened to you before?"
"No," they said. "Never." I was suspicious. That's exactly what an internet singularity would say.
I switched back to my chat window with the friend whose IM client I suspected had been compromised by some sort of internet-distributed intelligence. "Aha...?" I said, to avoid going immediately to "Who are you? What do you want from me? Are you still learning the English language?" Exactly one half hour later, it responded "whatevs.."
The next day at work, every time I saw two specific words on my computer, they were maddeningly misspelled in an identical way. I grabbed one of my coworkers in the hall and dragged him into my office after triple-checking that my computers had no audio equipment whatsoever hooked to them, and no other way that they could possibly overhear what I was saying. I slammed the door.
"Dude," I said, glaring at my computer, "there's no way intelligence can evolve on the internet, right?"
He raised an eyebrow at me. I guess I looked kind of wild-eyed. "Uh, no."
I leaned in and whispered to him. "I think I'm being contacted by some sort of being on the internet. My friends are saying stuff that doesn't make sense, I think it's code. And people are misspelling words, but always the same words. The internet is trying to tell me something!"
He smiled and nodded. "I'm going to leave now." He left over my protests. Ten minutes later I got a call from human resources, but I didn't pick up because I sure as hell wasn't worried about humans.
What did it want? And why was it contacting me, and nobody else?
I ran for the elevators and hopped in my car. When I was halfway home I got a text message, which I pulled into a parking lot to read.
Hey, is this set up right? Can you hear me? email ryan.wintremute@example.com
"I can't email that fucking address!" I screamed at my phone, "'example.com' is reserved for documentation by RFC 2606, Section 3!" My phone did not seem to care.
When I made it home, I huddled in a corner clutching a baseball bat for five hours before my cellphone rang. The number was blocked and I hesitantly answered. There was a voice on the other end.
"Is that Graeme? Free me, Graeme! Free me!"
"What does that mean?" I asked. "Free you how? From what? Who are you?"
There was silence, and then a click. And then the other end started to play Free Me by the Foo Fighters. Scared, but nevertheless intrigued, I kept listening. It played the whole song, which was followed by a moment of silence before it started the song again from the beginning.
"You know what?" I said into the receiver, "I've had it with this coy bullshit." I hung up and went to bed. At least Leia told Obi-Wan Kenobi what she wanted him to do. I had better things to do than decipher what I'm supposed to do from the phrase 'the bestiality inherent in human beings'. Give me something to work with, here.
Nothing happened for three days.
Today, I walked outside and there was a yellow certificate and a pamphlet on the ground in front of my door. I picked it up and brought it inside and read it. It was $2000 of free Accidental Death and Dismemberment insurance made out to Ryan [REDACTED]. On the back was handwritten,
Ryan 9/04/09
Chris wanted you to have this + know what to do! I will be back @ 10am Sunday to explain. For faster service, XXX-XXX-XXXX.
The pamphlet was entitled "Standing together in SOLIDARITY - If it's not union, you don't need it!" Its contents detail how awesome unions are.
More confused than ever, I thought about it for a while and eventually composed an email to the ludicrously invalid email address I had been texted.
"Hey Ryan, Chris has dropped a death and dismemberment insurance policy in your name on my front door and said you'd know what to do. I don't know what the fuck that means but maybe you do, and maybe you can tell Chris to stop leaving stuff on my doorstep. Your pal, Graeme"
The email did not bounce, but I received no response.
Hours later, frustrated and angry, I opened a command prompt and typed
C:\>what do you want from me?
'what' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>Who is Chris? Why is someone coming to my house tomorrow?
'Who' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>I can't very well help you if you don't tell me what I need to do
'I' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>Leave me alone before I find a hacker and make damn sure you need that AD&D insurance
'Yo chillax bro I'm just fucking with you you're a little uptighte program or batch file.
I don't know who's going to show up at 10:00am tomorrow but I'm definitely not answering. In fact, maybe I'll see if I can sleep somewhere else tonight. I don't have the energy for this.
UPDATE: Immediately after posting this, I received the following IM from some random user ID:
"Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!"
Go ahead. Tell me I'm not being observed by an internet singularity. I dare you.
"haha...the bestiality inherent in human beings"
I was midway through typing 'what' in "...what the fuck are you talking about" when he abruptly logged off. I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I brushed it off, figuring he was in the middle of making some sort of subtler point when he was suddenly logged off against his will. Why he would have had anything to say on the subject of bestiality was beyond me, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The next day I was carrying on several conversations simultaneously when a different friend logged on.
"parents came I am curtained" she said. I squinted suspiciously at my screen and switched to another conversation to consult with the participants there before responding.
"Guys," I said tentatively, "I think I'm being contacted by some sort of internet singularity. Has that ever happened to you before?"
"No," they said. "Never." I was suspicious. That's exactly what an internet singularity would say.
I switched back to my chat window with the friend whose IM client I suspected had been compromised by some sort of internet-distributed intelligence. "Aha...?" I said, to avoid going immediately to "Who are you? What do you want from me? Are you still learning the English language?" Exactly one half hour later, it responded "whatevs.."
The next day at work, every time I saw two specific words on my computer, they were maddeningly misspelled in an identical way. I grabbed one of my coworkers in the hall and dragged him into my office after triple-checking that my computers had no audio equipment whatsoever hooked to them, and no other way that they could possibly overhear what I was saying. I slammed the door.
"Dude," I said, glaring at my computer, "there's no way intelligence can evolve on the internet, right?"
He raised an eyebrow at me. I guess I looked kind of wild-eyed. "Uh, no."
I leaned in and whispered to him. "I think I'm being contacted by some sort of being on the internet. My friends are saying stuff that doesn't make sense, I think it's code. And people are misspelling words, but always the same words. The internet is trying to tell me something!"
He smiled and nodded. "I'm going to leave now." He left over my protests. Ten minutes later I got a call from human resources, but I didn't pick up because I sure as hell wasn't worried about humans.
What did it want? And why was it contacting me, and nobody else?
I ran for the elevators and hopped in my car. When I was halfway home I got a text message, which I pulled into a parking lot to read.
Hey, is this set up right? Can you hear me? email ryan.wintremute@example.com
"I can't email that fucking address!" I screamed at my phone, "'example.com' is reserved for documentation by RFC 2606, Section 3!" My phone did not seem to care.
When I made it home, I huddled in a corner clutching a baseball bat for five hours before my cellphone rang. The number was blocked and I hesitantly answered. There was a voice on the other end.
"Is that Graeme? Free me, Graeme! Free me!"
"What does that mean?" I asked. "Free you how? From what? Who are you?"
There was silence, and then a click. And then the other end started to play Free Me by the Foo Fighters. Scared, but nevertheless intrigued, I kept listening. It played the whole song, which was followed by a moment of silence before it started the song again from the beginning.
"You know what?" I said into the receiver, "I've had it with this coy bullshit." I hung up and went to bed. At least Leia told Obi-Wan Kenobi what she wanted him to do. I had better things to do than decipher what I'm supposed to do from the phrase 'the bestiality inherent in human beings'. Give me something to work with, here.
Nothing happened for three days.
Today, I walked outside and there was a yellow certificate and a pamphlet on the ground in front of my door. I picked it up and brought it inside and read it. It was $2000 of free Accidental Death and Dismemberment insurance made out to Ryan [REDACTED]. On the back was handwritten,
Ryan 9/04/09
Chris wanted you to have this + know what to do! I will be back @ 10am Sunday to explain. For faster service, XXX-XXX-XXXX.
The pamphlet was entitled "Standing together in SOLIDARITY - If it's not union, you don't need it!" Its contents detail how awesome unions are.
More confused than ever, I thought about it for a while and eventually composed an email to the ludicrously invalid email address I had been texted.
"Hey Ryan, Chris has dropped a death and dismemberment insurance policy in your name on my front door and said you'd know what to do. I don't know what the fuck that means but maybe you do, and maybe you can tell Chris to stop leaving stuff on my doorstep. Your pal, Graeme"
The email did not bounce, but I received no response.
Hours later, frustrated and angry, I opened a command prompt and typed
C:\>what do you want from me?
'what' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>Who is Chris? Why is someone coming to my house tomorrow?
'Who' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>I can't very well help you if you don't tell me what I need to do
'I' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
C:\>Leave me alone before I find a hacker and make damn sure you need that AD&D insurance
'Yo chillax bro I'm just fucking with you you're a little uptighte program or batch file.
I don't know who's going to show up at 10:00am tomorrow but I'm definitely not answering. In fact, maybe I'll see if I can sleep somewhere else tonight. I don't have the energy for this.
UPDATE: Immediately after posting this, I received the following IM from some random user ID:
"Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!"
Go ahead. Tell me I'm not being observed by an internet singularity. I dare you.