What's wrong with me?
So, here it is, 1:15 in the morning, and I was supposed to prepare for a science test. How much of that have I done? Absolutely none. I'm getting so tired of this. It's like a disease or something. I never, ever do homework anymore...even when it's totally necessary. I guess it's just been total luck so far this semester that my grades are as okay as they are...but it's like I can see them sliding downhill. It's terrible. I just can't make myself study. I won't let myself start. It's actually like I psychologically don't have the ability anymore to convince myself to just do the work I'm supposed to do.
The sad thing is, this is so typical now that I can't even get mad at myself anymore. It's like, well, I did it again, what else is new. Whatever. I don't know. I don't even care enough to get worked up about the fact that I end up like this anymore. I know it'll keep happening, and I'm not surprised when it does. But I don't know how to stop it. It's so dumb...it's not like it's that hard to do what I have to do, if I would only start. But I avoid doing work more than even the worst procrastinator does at this point. This is something so ridiculous that I don't think anybody would understand it.
And apparently Sally is going through the same thing. In a rare instance of her actually calling me, wanting to talk about something, she essentially asked my advice about whether she should try to get through the rest of her semester, or if she should drop out and start again fresh later, since she can't bring herself to get anything done anymore. And I completely related, because I've been doing it too, but there wasn't really any advice I could give her, or else I wouldn't be in this situation. I did end up, I think, convincing her to just stick with it, because taking "time off" and trying to start over again doesn't really work anyway...at least, it didn't for me. A whole lot of good my two years off did me...
I just thought I'd write this now, almost just to get a record of these feelings, because when I'm not forced to get school work done, I don't even think about this stuff...I don't care to at all. But this is my situation. It's so pathetic. I mean, for instance, if Bre can go through all the emotional stress she's been going through lately and still getting through school the best she can, why am I so incapable? I feel like I shouldn't be any kind of special case. Things have even been going pretty good for me lately. But it doesn't seem to matter.
Well, I'll tell you right now what will happen. I'll go to sleep right now, because I'm completely exhausted, and I lost the ability to stay up through the night to get work done about 4 or 5 years ago. I'll wake up early, and do as much as I can before the test...skipping Theatre class yet again, of course. And I won't get as much done as I should have, and undoubtedly I'll suffer on the test because of it. But then it'll be over as of 11:45 am tomorrow, and I won't give it another thought.
I really need to go back to the psychiatrist. It turns out I was supposed to go on Feb. 23. I only just found that appt. card in my wallet. So I've gotta call him, right away...I'll have to say that I stopped going to therapy a long time ago...and undoubtedly he'll tell me I have to go back...but then, I guesss it doesn't hurt. Hell, I could use any help right about now....
The sad thing is, this is so typical now that I can't even get mad at myself anymore. It's like, well, I did it again, what else is new. Whatever. I don't know. I don't even care enough to get worked up about the fact that I end up like this anymore. I know it'll keep happening, and I'm not surprised when it does. But I don't know how to stop it. It's so dumb...it's not like it's that hard to do what I have to do, if I would only start. But I avoid doing work more than even the worst procrastinator does at this point. This is something so ridiculous that I don't think anybody would understand it.
And apparently Sally is going through the same thing. In a rare instance of her actually calling me, wanting to talk about something, she essentially asked my advice about whether she should try to get through the rest of her semester, or if she should drop out and start again fresh later, since she can't bring herself to get anything done anymore. And I completely related, because I've been doing it too, but there wasn't really any advice I could give her, or else I wouldn't be in this situation. I did end up, I think, convincing her to just stick with it, because taking "time off" and trying to start over again doesn't really work anyway...at least, it didn't for me. A whole lot of good my two years off did me...
I just thought I'd write this now, almost just to get a record of these feelings, because when I'm not forced to get school work done, I don't even think about this stuff...I don't care to at all. But this is my situation. It's so pathetic. I mean, for instance, if Bre can go through all the emotional stress she's been going through lately and still getting through school the best she can, why am I so incapable? I feel like I shouldn't be any kind of special case. Things have even been going pretty good for me lately. But it doesn't seem to matter.
Well, I'll tell you right now what will happen. I'll go to sleep right now, because I'm completely exhausted, and I lost the ability to stay up through the night to get work done about 4 or 5 years ago. I'll wake up early, and do as much as I can before the test...skipping Theatre class yet again, of course. And I won't get as much done as I should have, and undoubtedly I'll suffer on the test because of it. But then it'll be over as of 11:45 am tomorrow, and I won't give it another thought.
I really need to go back to the psychiatrist. It turns out I was supposed to go on Feb. 23. I only just found that appt. card in my wallet. So I've gotta call him, right away...I'll have to say that I stopped going to therapy a long time ago...and undoubtedly he'll tell me I have to go back...but then, I guesss it doesn't hurt. Hell, I could use any help right about now....