Badass of the Week 08-06-2007/ Jason Bourne
When we first are introduced to Jason Bourne, he is unconscious and floating in the ocean. After some boring scenes where a tug-boat takes him aboard and he descovers he has amnesia, he disembarks and tries to find a place to sleep. With no money to buy a place for the night, he picks a nice frozen park bench and attempts to catch some shut-eye, until two jackass cops decide they want to give him shit and check his ID. That's when shit gets crazy.
He discovers out of nowhere that he can speak perfect Dutch, but what's even more badass is that he does it while unconsciously disarming and beating the shit of the two cops in a half-fucking second.
Through some crazy happenings involving bitchin' car chases that would make the French Connection look like a drive to the local 7-11, and more run-ins with dumbshit, ill-trained police officers, he discovers he's a badass secret assassin for the CIA with a pretty hefty kill-count to back it up. Well, the CIA being none the wiser, believes he has gone rogue and decide to activate some tight-shit jujitsu swingin' and heat packin' secret cell assassins to take Bourne on and bring his ass back to the states on a platter.
Wouldn't you know it, Bourne takes out convoy after convoy of ammo wasting CIA goons all the while makin' it with a young German babe and fighting off a 'roid fueled, no-pain feeling, ball-busting killer (only using a tiny ass fucking BiC pen, mind you!) It takes balls of pure fucking diamond to know your ass is hard enough to take down a synthetically chemical fed 6 foot 8 European muther fucker who's only mission is to kill a guy who looks like Matt Damon! Hell, by the end of the fight the dude throws himself out the window rather than face an angry amnesiatic secret agent who's been throwing him around using some painful as fuck Krav Maga and Escrima/Kali hand-to-hand combat moves.
If that wasn't enough, Bourne proves his sheer badassery by throwing himself down seven stories onto hard ass concrete and mosaic floor whilst using a dead fat man as a landing cussion and shooting down more CIA dumbshits while fucking FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!!!
Proving to the CIA that he's way more than they could ever hope to handle even if he was only using his pinky finger and one one-hundreth of his mental capacity, he decides to leave it all behind. The gluttons-for-pain at the CIA seem to be too stupid to process his warning to leave him the fuck alone and decide to keep chasing him.
The idiots in charge decide to frame Bourne for murder and sniper his girlfriend right in front of his fucking face. This pisses him off so much that he goes on a one man rampage, digging up dirt on all the operatives and fucking up their shit hardcore so that even the French Foreign Legion wouldn't accept their asses. He finds the only other agent alive who has anything close to his skills and beats the shit out of him with a rolled up newspaper and strangles his ass with a dirty wash cloth.
He kicks asses, takes names, and only asks questions later if he even fucking feels like it. He destroys half the police vehicles in all of Europe in a single car chase, all the while walking around with a fucked up leg and a bullet hole in his shoulder. And if that's not enough, he hunts down all the remaining agents and fucks them up with even more household items. Imagine seeing badassery walk away from you as you reel in the pain of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone lodged in your ribcage and a bloody hand towel wrapped around your neck as the life slowly drains from your body... Magical!!!
By the end of the whole ordeal, he somehow manages to fuck the CIA up hardcore and is merciful enough to have the United States Congress tear the CIA a new shitter, all while making his name heard round the world.
In the end we can only hope that more dumbshits will be stupid enough to fuck with him just so we can see four ninja-like assailants be crippled by a salt shaker, a picture frame, and a computer mouse!
It is badassery such as this that earnes Former CIA Operative Jason Bourne an entry into:
THE BADASS OF THE WEEK!
JASON BOURNE!!!
Don't start none! Won't be none!
He discovers out of nowhere that he can speak perfect Dutch, but what's even more badass is that he does it while unconsciously disarming and beating the shit of the two cops in a half-fucking second.
Through some crazy happenings involving bitchin' car chases that would make the French Connection look like a drive to the local 7-11, and more run-ins with dumbshit, ill-trained police officers, he discovers he's a badass secret assassin for the CIA with a pretty hefty kill-count to back it up. Well, the CIA being none the wiser, believes he has gone rogue and decide to activate some tight-shit jujitsu swingin' and heat packin' secret cell assassins to take Bourne on and bring his ass back to the states on a platter.
Wouldn't you know it, Bourne takes out convoy after convoy of ammo wasting CIA goons all the while makin' it with a young German babe and fighting off a 'roid fueled, no-pain feeling, ball-busting killer (only using a tiny ass fucking BiC pen, mind you!) It takes balls of pure fucking diamond to know your ass is hard enough to take down a synthetically chemical fed 6 foot 8 European muther fucker who's only mission is to kill a guy who looks like Matt Damon! Hell, by the end of the fight the dude throws himself out the window rather than face an angry amnesiatic secret agent who's been throwing him around using some painful as fuck Krav Maga and Escrima/Kali hand-to-hand combat moves.
If that wasn't enough, Bourne proves his sheer badassery by throwing himself down seven stories onto hard ass concrete and mosaic floor whilst using a dead fat man as a landing cussion and shooting down more CIA dumbshits while fucking FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!!!
Proving to the CIA that he's way more than they could ever hope to handle even if he was only using his pinky finger and one one-hundreth of his mental capacity, he decides to leave it all behind. The gluttons-for-pain at the CIA seem to be too stupid to process his warning to leave him the fuck alone and decide to keep chasing him.
The idiots in charge decide to frame Bourne for murder and sniper his girlfriend right in front of his fucking face. This pisses him off so much that he goes on a one man rampage, digging up dirt on all the operatives and fucking up their shit hardcore so that even the French Foreign Legion wouldn't accept their asses. He finds the only other agent alive who has anything close to his skills and beats the shit out of him with a rolled up newspaper and strangles his ass with a dirty wash cloth.
He kicks asses, takes names, and only asks questions later if he even fucking feels like it. He destroys half the police vehicles in all of Europe in a single car chase, all the while walking around with a fucked up leg and a bullet hole in his shoulder. And if that's not enough, he hunts down all the remaining agents and fucks them up with even more household items. Imagine seeing badassery walk away from you as you reel in the pain of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone lodged in your ribcage and a bloody hand towel wrapped around your neck as the life slowly drains from your body... Magical!!!
By the end of the whole ordeal, he somehow manages to fuck the CIA up hardcore and is merciful enough to have the United States Congress tear the CIA a new shitter, all while making his name heard round the world.
In the end we can only hope that more dumbshits will be stupid enough to fuck with him just so we can see four ninja-like assailants be crippled by a salt shaker, a picture frame, and a computer mouse!
It is badassery such as this that earnes Former CIA Operative Jason Bourne an entry into:
THE BADASS OF THE WEEK!
JASON BOURNE!!!
Don't start none! Won't be none!