(no subject)
I'm in a happy-ish ok mood, but i know i'm just lying to myself but hey, its working for now so why question it heh. But god things suck, I aint really looking forward to christmas, i mean is it christmas?? certainly doesn't feel like it much to me, I just can't get in to it this year but yeh im stilling trying to. Things just aint so bloody merry lol. At least i got most of my christmas presents sorted now, that was a worry for a bit, wasn't sure i'd get my money in time, luckily it came yesterday so i was able to go finish off my shopping....but i forgot to get my niece something *sulks* so now! i have to go back out, tomorrow morning! and find something. I love shopping but how i am i hate it cause it just freaks me out, so many people rushing about, brushing past without a care in the world, you stop and stare at the shelves and some idiot comes and stands in front of you....whats that all about? i tut and walk off 'tosser' and then they give me!! the eyeball lol. I'm just gona stand there tomorrow and tell them to move the fuck out the way lol. Its true. I can't shop on my own anymore, really gets to me, fear of croudedness? i guess. I just can't cope with it, i feel all reclusive, i wana hide, run away, cry, anything, at the same time i'm angry, annoyed, furious...hatred. Not looking forward to tomorrow one bit.
...Dreams, Hopes....why do people insist on giving me hopes, dreams of something they know won't happen? sure its nice :) everyone likes to dream, of the nice to have's, if things were different or if somethings were possible....but thats all i have or do, I want something concrete, an aim in life, an oasis in a desert, to run towards and actually get there without realising it was just a mirage but all the things said, seen and done up until that time were actually true and the hard work, the waiting was worth it and for it not to blow up all in my face with the sand and dust that created it. I hate being told things, this will happen, that will happen, we'll do this, we'll do that, we'll go here, this this this and this, yet you just know its all make believe that no matter how its said or how heartfelt it is told....you know as clear as anything, it just won't, will not, can not happen. It just saddens me to be given a thought, a image, only to realise moments later heh, it will never happen. But by then i've built up an image, seen how things could be, how it might feel, how things might unfold, but its not true, none of its true. I wish, just once, i could be told or shown a dream that yeh, its gona happen, this is what really waits me and for it to be something that i'd want. But yeah, who knows what will happen, i'm still battling it out day by day, i don't see the future, i take each day as it comes and try to fight through it with a smile on my face....even though most time i smile with out the heart to back it up, its a cold sad smile, its lonely, tired and drained, but it keeps on smiling, trying to smile. Waiting. The future is blank and blind to me, i'll either get to the end and find happiness or die trying.
I have a pic to post but i bloody forgot to upload it and i can't be arsed now lol, so i'll save it for christmas day :) lol
Luv ya all!!!
Lee xxxx
...Dreams, Hopes....why do people insist on giving me hopes, dreams of something they know won't happen? sure its nice :) everyone likes to dream, of the nice to have's, if things were different or if somethings were possible....but thats all i have or do, I want something concrete, an aim in life, an oasis in a desert, to run towards and actually get there without realising it was just a mirage but all the things said, seen and done up until that time were actually true and the hard work, the waiting was worth it and for it not to blow up all in my face with the sand and dust that created it. I hate being told things, this will happen, that will happen, we'll do this, we'll do that, we'll go here, this this this and this, yet you just know its all make believe that no matter how its said or how heartfelt it is told....you know as clear as anything, it just won't, will not, can not happen. It just saddens me to be given a thought, a image, only to realise moments later heh, it will never happen. But by then i've built up an image, seen how things could be, how it might feel, how things might unfold, but its not true, none of its true. I wish, just once, i could be told or shown a dream that yeh, its gona happen, this is what really waits me and for it to be something that i'd want. But yeah, who knows what will happen, i'm still battling it out day by day, i don't see the future, i take each day as it comes and try to fight through it with a smile on my face....even though most time i smile with out the heart to back it up, its a cold sad smile, its lonely, tired and drained, but it keeps on smiling, trying to smile. Waiting. The future is blank and blind to me, i'll either get to the end and find happiness or die trying.
I have a pic to post but i bloody forgot to upload it and i can't be arsed now lol, so i'll save it for christmas day :) lol
Luv ya all!!!
Lee xxxx