Figuring out who I am...
So, despite feeling sick over the last few days, and despite feeling somewhat alone over the weekend, and despite EVERYTHING, today was a good day. I felt much better when I woke up this morning than I did yesterday. I'm not feeling that bad about things in my life right now. I mean, I've somehow gotta reconcile keeping this job with the new REALLY high gas prices, and my money's been pretty tight since my car repairs a few weeks ago... but other than money issues (which are ALWAYS going to be present, this I know), I'm feeling pretty okay.
I'm actually surprised. As someone pointed out to me recently, I am a wallower. When bad things happen to me, I hold on to them for longer than I should. I usually keep myself sad and melancholy for weeks after a breakup... but surprisingly, I'm okay.
I feel more grounded now than I have in the last few months. I feel like I'm a little more anchored to my own personality than I was when this shitstorm started. I'm getting a better grip on who I am. I may not like all of my qualities, but I'm coming to terms with them, and I'm just going to be me. These are the things I've learned about myself:
1. I am the son of David Joseph Demko and Rose Marie Demko. My parents and the rest of my small family have always loved and supported me. I can't say I've always been the best in return, but I do sincerely try. My close-knit family has made the transition into my social circle, in the fact that I see my friends as part of my family. There are some family members I don't like, but I socialize with them just as easily as I do with the ones I love, because I like to keep the peace in my family. That doesn't always work. That's something I need to start accepting...
2. I am comedian at heart. I love to make bad jokes, and love making people laugh and applaud. I love to perform, and admittedly, love to be the center of attention. I like things to be about me. This can be a rather selfish goal at times, but other times, I realize when a situation calls for the attention to be on someone else, and can give up the spotlight if needed.
3. Speaking of selfish, I can be very selfish at times. But at other times, when it suits me, I can be completely selfless. I've learned that there's no real rhyme or reason to when I do these things... I wish I did, because if I knew when I was being selfish, I'd spend more time by myself.
4. I am creative. I am a 'jack of all trades' when it comes to creativity, but master of none. I can draw, paint, write (prose or poetry), play music, and sing. All of these things I do well, but I do none of them exceptionally so. I haven't been motivated to creativity in a long time. I need a muse.
5. I am a child at heart, and that will never change. I need to realign my responsibilities and my priorities in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my childish spirit. If I ever wind up with someone, they will either a) have to have the same spirit, or b) be able to accept my childish ways. I will always carry the Peter Pan Syndrome (though, never to Michael Jackson's extent, I think).
6. I can be lazy, but have found creative ways to motivate myself recently. Ironically, my laziness IS a motivating factor in my being able to finish my work so quickly every day. I just want to get home and relax and rest, so I finish my work as quickly as I can.
7. I care too much about what people think of me and what I do. This is one I've had a problem with over the past few weeks. I've cared too much about what other people would say if they found out such-and-such, or what would they think of me if they found out I did blahbitty-blah. I have been too focused on what other people think and not focused enough on what I think. I've tried to fix that in the last few weeks, and I'm sure I've got a long way to go... but if I can't forgive myself for what I've done, then why should I even bother finding out if anyone else has forgiven me (especially if it isn't even their place to forgive me!)
Anyhow, these are my ramblings. I don't expect any comments, as none of this is up for debate. I'll screen any comments you might want to make, so feel free to say what you please.
Signing off,
Michael
I'm actually surprised. As someone pointed out to me recently, I am a wallower. When bad things happen to me, I hold on to them for longer than I should. I usually keep myself sad and melancholy for weeks after a breakup... but surprisingly, I'm okay.
I feel more grounded now than I have in the last few months. I feel like I'm a little more anchored to my own personality than I was when this shitstorm started. I'm getting a better grip on who I am. I may not like all of my qualities, but I'm coming to terms with them, and I'm just going to be me. These are the things I've learned about myself:
1. I am the son of David Joseph Demko and Rose Marie Demko. My parents and the rest of my small family have always loved and supported me. I can't say I've always been the best in return, but I do sincerely try. My close-knit family has made the transition into my social circle, in the fact that I see my friends as part of my family. There are some family members I don't like, but I socialize with them just as easily as I do with the ones I love, because I like to keep the peace in my family. That doesn't always work. That's something I need to start accepting...
2. I am comedian at heart. I love to make bad jokes, and love making people laugh and applaud. I love to perform, and admittedly, love to be the center of attention. I like things to be about me. This can be a rather selfish goal at times, but other times, I realize when a situation calls for the attention to be on someone else, and can give up the spotlight if needed.
3. Speaking of selfish, I can be very selfish at times. But at other times, when it suits me, I can be completely selfless. I've learned that there's no real rhyme or reason to when I do these things... I wish I did, because if I knew when I was being selfish, I'd spend more time by myself.
4. I am creative. I am a 'jack of all trades' when it comes to creativity, but master of none. I can draw, paint, write (prose or poetry), play music, and sing. All of these things I do well, but I do none of them exceptionally so. I haven't been motivated to creativity in a long time. I need a muse.
5. I am a child at heart, and that will never change. I need to realign my responsibilities and my priorities in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my childish spirit. If I ever wind up with someone, they will either a) have to have the same spirit, or b) be able to accept my childish ways. I will always carry the Peter Pan Syndrome (though, never to Michael Jackson's extent, I think).
6. I can be lazy, but have found creative ways to motivate myself recently. Ironically, my laziness IS a motivating factor in my being able to finish my work so quickly every day. I just want to get home and relax and rest, so I finish my work as quickly as I can.
7. I care too much about what people think of me and what I do. This is one I've had a problem with over the past few weeks. I've cared too much about what other people would say if they found out such-and-such, or what would they think of me if they found out I did blahbitty-blah. I have been too focused on what other people think and not focused enough on what I think. I've tried to fix that in the last few weeks, and I'm sure I've got a long way to go... but if I can't forgive myself for what I've done, then why should I even bother finding out if anyone else has forgiven me (especially if it isn't even their place to forgive me!)
Anyhow, these are my ramblings. I don't expect any comments, as none of this is up for debate. I'll screen any comments you might want to make, so feel free to say what you please.
Signing off,
Michael