"I don't want to be, I don't want to be me. I don't want to be me anymore."
"It Doesn't Matter"- Alison Krauss & Union Station
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
It doesn't matter if i cry
Don't matter if i bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
It doesn't matter if i cry
Doesn't matter if i bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't have a clue where to start, but I'm tired of leaving those that care about me in the dark about what's going on right now with me.
There was the whole punch to my fucking heart from Alex's father Christmas eve. I thought that was probably the worst of my weekend, but once again, fate had other means of adding to that.
Just when I was getting over it, aside from my abandonment of the good will of most people and what not, everything else just fell apart.
Today I woke up with a pain in my chest of something just wrong and completely out of place. I suddenly did not want to go to Alabama at all, but knew that if I didn't, my grandparents wouldn't have anyone to help load or unload the truck and they would need the help. Trying to be nice guy I am, I spent all day trying to convince myself into going. By the time my grandma came to pick me up, I was torn in two fighting with myself and cursing fate, trying to get ahold of myself and realize that I didn't have to just go along with everything, because that's what's been fucking everything up lately. So, I wanted to stay, and my mom started getting pissed because Larry would get pissed due to the fact that my Grandma had to drive his car over and pick me up because her car was acting up. I reluctantly started packing and my mom was getting more pissed...So, right before I was going to leave she just told me to get my ass out the door because Larry would be pissed and come home and yell at her. I couldn't fucking stand watching my mom always get yelled at because my stepdad doesn't have the fucking balls to confront me or Nicole himself. He's a real two-faced son of a bitch and I hate that. So I said "Why don't you stand up to him and defend yourself for once" and that just started a major argument between us and everything I've ever held back about that fucking bastard came out. Due to his fucking ass, I fought with my mom...fuck him. I'm tired of that shit.
Then I'm at my Grandma's and she gets a phone call saying my Uncle has to go in for surgery tomorrow. They might have to put him to sleep and there's a chance he might not make it. Hearing that makes the above so fucking childish of an issue. Then, the fact that my Grandma was caught up in the whole thing at my house, dealing with the stress of my uncle already...that's so fucking unfair to her...
I feel that I have no control over most of this. I could have not fought with my mom, yes....but it was like watching the whole thing from an outsider's point of view. I didn't feel like I could control what I was saying. How do you control something when you feel you can't?
Then the premonitions that are all seeming to come true. You can't blame me for paying close attention to my feelings. I'm sorry if that conflicts with anyone's plans.
I fear that this is all building up to something that's just going to shatter my world...Like the rest haven't.
When I get back, what kind of home am I going to go to?
Will my mom feel fed up and kick me out, basically choosing Larry over me? I wouldn't doubt that one happening at all.
What about my relationship with Alex? Her parents would be so happy to see me out of the picture. What I want seems to be burning up around me, so please give me some fucking hope here.
And my uncle. Losing him would be fucking horrible on me and everyone in my family. It's such unnecessary stress...
....
Saturday with Alex was great. Seeing Alex's father has allowed me to put a face on dis-trust. I couldn't stay in the building with a bunch of people who spit on ground that people like me walk on. I will never be an ideal person for Alex in their eyes. I shouldn't care, but I do. Why? Because I don't want to fuck shit up where I will be banned from seeing her. The vibe I get from that whole family makes me amazed Alex is with me at all.
I realized that in the end, it's all us alone. One thing can destroy our look of the world. Dispair is so easily the poison that locks our heart frozen.
I just want to cleanse myself of all this hurt I've caused and the shattered eyes I look at the world with right now. If I see Alex soon, I will break down crying in front of her.
I don't know who to turn to. I don't want people to try and help because I'm stubborn and immature about accepting help.
"You need God"
Fuck you and your God, your hypocritical religion and your sheep who flock for personal guilt and shameful redemption.
I've fucked up.
Never have I felt so worthless.
~J.D.~
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
It doesn't matter if i cry
Don't matter if i bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what i want
It doesn't matter what i need
It doesn't matter if i cry
Doesn't matter if i bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't have a clue where to start, but I'm tired of leaving those that care about me in the dark about what's going on right now with me.
There was the whole punch to my fucking heart from Alex's father Christmas eve. I thought that was probably the worst of my weekend, but once again, fate had other means of adding to that.
Just when I was getting over it, aside from my abandonment of the good will of most people and what not, everything else just fell apart.
Today I woke up with a pain in my chest of something just wrong and completely out of place. I suddenly did not want to go to Alabama at all, but knew that if I didn't, my grandparents wouldn't have anyone to help load or unload the truck and they would need the help. Trying to be nice guy I am, I spent all day trying to convince myself into going. By the time my grandma came to pick me up, I was torn in two fighting with myself and cursing fate, trying to get ahold of myself and realize that I didn't have to just go along with everything, because that's what's been fucking everything up lately. So, I wanted to stay, and my mom started getting pissed because Larry would get pissed due to the fact that my Grandma had to drive his car over and pick me up because her car was acting up. I reluctantly started packing and my mom was getting more pissed...So, right before I was going to leave she just told me to get my ass out the door because Larry would be pissed and come home and yell at her. I couldn't fucking stand watching my mom always get yelled at because my stepdad doesn't have the fucking balls to confront me or Nicole himself. He's a real two-faced son of a bitch and I hate that. So I said "Why don't you stand up to him and defend yourself for once" and that just started a major argument between us and everything I've ever held back about that fucking bastard came out. Due to his fucking ass, I fought with my mom...fuck him. I'm tired of that shit.
Then I'm at my Grandma's and she gets a phone call saying my Uncle has to go in for surgery tomorrow. They might have to put him to sleep and there's a chance he might not make it. Hearing that makes the above so fucking childish of an issue. Then, the fact that my Grandma was caught up in the whole thing at my house, dealing with the stress of my uncle already...that's so fucking unfair to her...
I feel that I have no control over most of this. I could have not fought with my mom, yes....but it was like watching the whole thing from an outsider's point of view. I didn't feel like I could control what I was saying. How do you control something when you feel you can't?
Then the premonitions that are all seeming to come true. You can't blame me for paying close attention to my feelings. I'm sorry if that conflicts with anyone's plans.
I fear that this is all building up to something that's just going to shatter my world...Like the rest haven't.
When I get back, what kind of home am I going to go to?
Will my mom feel fed up and kick me out, basically choosing Larry over me? I wouldn't doubt that one happening at all.
What about my relationship with Alex? Her parents would be so happy to see me out of the picture. What I want seems to be burning up around me, so please give me some fucking hope here.
And my uncle. Losing him would be fucking horrible on me and everyone in my family. It's such unnecessary stress...
....
Saturday with Alex was great. Seeing Alex's father has allowed me to put a face on dis-trust. I couldn't stay in the building with a bunch of people who spit on ground that people like me walk on. I will never be an ideal person for Alex in their eyes. I shouldn't care, but I do. Why? Because I don't want to fuck shit up where I will be banned from seeing her. The vibe I get from that whole family makes me amazed Alex is with me at all.
I realized that in the end, it's all us alone. One thing can destroy our look of the world. Dispair is so easily the poison that locks our heart frozen.
I just want to cleanse myself of all this hurt I've caused and the shattered eyes I look at the world with right now. If I see Alex soon, I will break down crying in front of her.
I don't know who to turn to. I don't want people to try and help because I'm stubborn and immature about accepting help.
"You need God"
Fuck you and your God, your hypocritical religion and your sheep who flock for personal guilt and shameful redemption.
I've fucked up.
Never have I felt so worthless.
~J.D.~