"I spit upon my plate and then I turn and walk away..."
"Crashing Around You"- Machine Head
I am your nightmares, true scares
That dream when you can't stop from falling
Can't fight, can't run
Can't stop the person you've become
I am your heartbreaks, mistakes
That place inside your hate
I am that shadow following every move, reminding you
That it's never good enough, never good enough
Even though you'll try and try
I'm gonna call your bluff
Because I am the thing bringing the feelings when...
Your world comes crashing around you
Smashes down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
When you feel darkness, hopeless
Can't cope with all the stress
I'll make you hate life bring strife
Remember failures hardened stare
And it's never gonna change, never gonna change
Always they'll be judging you
Compared to who and who
You trust in me but I only live to see
Your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
When I come for you
When I see through you
When I eat through you
When I destroy you
You'll think you're betrayed, astray
I'll leave you ripped and torn so bad you
Can't trust, can't love
Can't understand why life's so fucked
I'm deep inside your mind
In constant remind
If you leave your thoughts to me, believe
I'll make sure that I see
Your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
I'll make your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
I'll let you see why cannot hide from me
Because I am you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every once in awhile an unspeakable sadness captivates me and I have no control over it but just have to play it out until it passes. Today was one of those days. Now I'm overcome by a guilt that occupies my brain without reason or motivation for it's actions.
I suppose it's because it's the holidays and well...fuck em. Something always seems to screw up plans for a good holiday season, so why should I try and expect a good one now. I'm running low on hoping shit turns out better. I sometimes wish I could have a personality shift but then I'd really be out of my own self and then I'd hate myself even more. I guess I'll just have to deal with my pessimistic attitude another time. Moving on...
By the way, I love it that others can have problems but the second that you have a problem, you shouldn't have it and it becomes a problem to them that you have a problem...wtf....
The plans for this weekend have been warped so many times that I'm just going to completely play it be ear and not set anything in stone aside from the fact that I should be home Christmas morning. If I'm not, then I better have had a hell of a night and a damn good excuse, or I'll jump off the first bridge I see.
This is so negative....I'm just stressed....more or less...
So....let's just examine the potential weekend at hand, shall we?....
Later on this morning, my mom and stepdad go to Chicago. Around 1pm, they get back, pick up Nicole, and head over here...so that's about...2-2:30pm. We exchange gifts, have the little conversations, then I'm guessing around 4:30 or maybe 5 we leave here...I go back home, while my mom and maybe my stepdad go to my Uncles. As far as I know Nicole will be staying home also. So....5:30/6ish, I get ready and do whatever the hell it is that I do...7pm, I go with Alex and her family to Chicago....get back home sometime later in the evening...Christmas morning, wake up, do the whole gift thing, sit around, eat dinner...then, who knows. Monday, possibly hang out with Justin...maybe stop and see Jimmy and pick up my stuff....and who knows what else. Tuesday, I don't know....and then I have to see about the whole trip to Alabama thing..:: Slams his head against the desk :: I don't plan things. I'm a spontanious person for one main reason: because every time plans are made they can be broken and someone ends up being screwed in some way. I prefer to just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. Fuck schedules and shit like that. I think that's why I'm stressing out a bit.
Anyfuck, it's getting late, so I think I'm going to bed...Though, I don't feel I can sleep at the moment..I'll try.
"Reflections"
I'm a normal person with abstract views
I fantasize alot about death and morbid love affairs
I love pain but can't stand a broken heart
I have a problem with those who cut because it's the only relief from the world
I'm a jealous person most of the time
I'm very paranoid
I don't like to be the one in control
I'm highly patient with others, but completely impatient with myself
Sometimes I hate the idea of knowing that there are people who care about me
I hate having that kind of responsibility, knowing my actions will effect them
I hate the fact that I'm a coward who won't say what he's feeling
I don't repress my feelings by thought, it's out of habit now
It's stupid, most of what I think and feel and don't say because....well, it's stupid. Like the whole thing of Justin talking to Alex and her finding stuff out before me. It's fine...but I get paranoid about that. It's the whole, not being in on the joke, conversation, or whatever it is. That's the truest feeling of loneliness I have encountered, and it kills me. But I also find that people trying to catch me up on things so I don't feel completely clueless is just pitiful and I'd rather be spared the details, unless it's important. I feel I could lose Alex at any moment I'd probably deserve it. No matter what people tell me, I'll never shake a feeling like that. I've had it happen so many times before that no one can convince me otherwise and they'll just have to deal with it. Sometimes I think that I'm going to be the one who wants a deeper commitment and Alex will want something else. I don't like to speak some of my doubts aloud because I feel she and others will hear them and feel obligated to not act on their feelings if it would prove me right.
I don't like to use all of my intellect, because I don't want others to think that I'm trying to act better then them. This is why I did so horrible in high school...that, and I just stopped caring freshman year. Fuck beating the system. I want to completely ignore the system altogether.
I'm great at writing, computers, and science. I'm horrible at math.
I've been the freak, the outcast, the boyfriend, the fiance, the crush, the lover, the enemy, the envied, the admired, the misunderstood, the cherished, the loner, and the disease
That guy that just comes around and makes everyone feel awkward...yeah, that guy.
Don't trust me.
I'm a watcher. I observe people and study their actions.
If I'm uncomfortable in any place, I will leave. Don't come looking for me. Just give me time.
She tells me not to, but I'm always wondering about the questions Alex doesn't ask or the things she doesn't say. The problem with her not saying what the really feels is that eventually I'm going to be so pre-occupied with my fixation on trying to figure it out, that what she says is going to seem so played off and make me feel as if I'm just watching some actress speaking lines to me and expecting me to applaud...I don't want that to happen. And the questions...well, I'm open with them, more or less...I wouldn't be typing this out if I weren't.
~J.D.~
That was a complete mess. I apologize for that. Just late night thoughts. I think I'm actually going to start calling them the "Late Night Thoughts" collection. Because that's really what they are. Just all the thoughts that run through my head before I sleep at night. Only, I'm typing them out instead of just leaving them in my head like I normally do.
Don't get the wrong impression. I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I'm just tired. I don't feel bad about my life or my relationship with Alex. Some of the other things I said were points to be made though. At any rate, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and getting to see Alex again. I miss her. Damnit, I'm falling in love with that girl. You know what....fuck Kyle for telling me I'm not...like he knows..I guess that bothers me that he would say "no you're not" when I mentioned it before....oy...something to bother me....why damnit..why?? haha. I'm going to seriously try and get some sleep now. Ciao Hellions.
~J.D.~