if there was a name for what i'm experiencing, it'd be covered in dirt...
yeah, it's definitly been a while. CISCO...it's going to make or break me, for the rest of my life. i had the opportunity to drop the class until 3 pm thursday afternoon, from then on if i fail it'll kill my gpa and grants and scholarships of any kind will certainly be out of reach. i'm still very behind in cisco labs with no excuses. i can't think of anyone to blame this on but myself. i had such soaring ambitions when i started CISCO, but when it came to doing it i lost the fire. especially considering that i've only tested to chapter IV when i should be on chapter IX. it tastes like independence having to cope with a situation such as the one i'm currently undertaking. it's no easy task. like i said, it's the hardest class i've ever taken. maybe it's because i take it online, maybe it's because i haven't gone to labs, maybe it's because the test material is super detailed. personally, i know that the former are all excuses. should i finish CISCO passing i'll feel completely detached. i'll have the prerogative to say "see, i told you i could do it." my mom was a great inspiration. she was taking me to drop the class on wednesday afternoon. i felt like giving up was ok, i was definitly hallucinating. i kept thinking thru dropping the class, the consequences that would manifest. i told her, "mom, turn around. i'm not gonna drop the class." she says, "you kno if you don't drop and fail that you're seriously fucking up what ever future you once would have had. i doubt you can pass now." etc...etc. i started to laugh when she said all that. then she said "what are you going to do that's gonna be different from before?" honestly, i couldn't answer. i don't kno how i'm going to do anything different if i didn't do anything in the first place. should i actually pull my shit together, which i need to if i want to have an earnest chance at getting into a college, it would be the zenith of my high school career. i'm afraid to fail, this is the first failure/success that is actually going to have a significant output on my future. i'm destined for one of two outcomes: success and failure. given the circumstance that failure would dominate, i'd be in a world of shit. never hearing the end of it, kind of like losing the championship football game at high school. success: relief. independent responsibility such as the labs and the class as a whole introduces a new element, adulthood? nah, i think i'm jumping too far ahead of myself to consider adulthood via the completion of that gauntlet(CISCO). for those of you unfamiliar with CISCO, in a nutshell, it's the networking technology leader in america that provides academy services for learning students, such as myself. academy services including but not limited to networking fundamentals, catalyst switches, LAN construction, network troubleshooting and maintenence, installation fundamentals, etc. i've been so tired since the alpha of CISCO I. go figure. i just want to lay down with my friend, listen to tunes, and just...rest. recouperate. twelve hours minimum. just turn the world off for a while and rest. i loathe the fact that i'm exhausted beyond measurement. and i loathe further the idea that tomorrow morning and sunday morning are my "get the shit together day." i wouldn't mind going to 'Rain's house and doing what requires to be done. the GEEP is imminent. thanks for the email man. that 3 am-ness, most excellent. i guess that's it for now.