Summer Solstice
Today is the first day of summer, and it is a reminder that we are two weeks away from the dog days of summer, and yet in a heat wave already.
These past two weeks have been stressful in different ways. My father was diagnosed with cancer, Martha was taken into the hospital for a procedure that was aborted, and it is that fickle time of year when I can't help but remember that as a child I was surrounded by people and am currently surrounded by laundry.
I am waiting for a contract to sign but have started collating ideas and definitions for the book. Nervous and excited I wonder if in some ways this will bring me closer to people, or farther from them. My guess is both, before and after, but only time will tell.
As you well know for the past three years, or just about, I have been doing the work to understand the nature of narcissism, to identify my emotions more clearly, and better connect with others.
While there has been much progress as of late I am feeling swamped in the search for progress. Where there has been so much change since Pride 2022 it really is work to do the work. The learning, the processing, the doing, the reflecting, the distilling, and the moving forward.
Research is far easier.
I realize more and more that the emotions that exist as states I travel between are well-worn channels in my brain. My sense of self travels between these states in familiar patterns, and at 35 most of these well tread paths are, well, carved in stone. While it would be false to say I can't or haven't risen above at times, or taken a path less traveled, it feels a little bit like walking out of a barber with a bad haircut, and trying to make it work.
I think the biggest challenge as of late has been just to pause and breathe before reacting. I am both good at this and not good enough. It is strange how the important things cut deep and seem so personal, and it's the little things, that open the flood gates. It's as if I'm inching over the walls of a slide only to tumble down after being struck by a fallen leaf.
There is so much to be grateful for, but this idea alone does little to change the reality of where I am, who I am, and what I want to become.
One of the more interesting things I have learned about communal narcissism is that it is evoked in social settings, for example a volunteer group where one wants to reinforce their sense of self through the eyes of others.
I can't help but admit this feels familiar.
While I am hardly communal, I wonder if all this protestation about wanting to save the world is more about being thanked by others, than a true desire to save the world.
How does one post on instagram without it being a look at me?
What is the difference in a text written for an audience, and a text written for oneself?
I don't know, but I think I will find out.