I don't want to sound like a queer or nothing, but...
I am really fucking tired. Tired tired tired. So tired that I have to say it multiple times. I'm tired of being busy and I'm tired of not sleeping enough and I'm tired of having too much to do and not having time to do what I want or even need to do. I am beyond exhausted. I have never consistently slept enough in my life. Seriously. Never. The obsession with always doing things and never wasting a minute started in my late teens though, when I realized fully that I was going to die and that I had to, from then on, compulsively cram as much experience and accomplishment into my life as possible. I wouldn't say I do this less now, but I would say that I have changed my definitions of experience and accomplishment. I don't think that all the important things in life can be measured by other people.
I'm tired of having so many problems that I can't always enjoy how wonderful some aspects of my life are. I'm tired of hating myself for this and feeling as though I don't deserve these things because I sometimes doubt in them and I can't always feel as happy as I should be. I wish that I didn't feel so completely worthless and pathetic every time I can't just function like I feel a person should. If you're strong enough then you should be able to accept your weaknesses, and it makes me realize how much further I have to go.
I'm tired of thinking that people will just leave me because I'm fucked up in some ways. I wouldn't do that to someone else. They shouldn't do it to me. Yes, people have before, and that broke me in ways that I still don't fully understand. But this does not fucking mean that everyone else will, and I refuse to believe that I am the only honest and accepting person in the entire world.
Usually writing helps me like few other things can, but this is just making me even more agitated so I am going to stop.
Interesting parrot conversation (Edited due to the fact that I didn't ask the person I was talking to if it was okay to post this. I took out everything they said and any identifying details.):
[22:12:04] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: of course you should be scared
[22:12:14] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: in a way i think that if you're not you're not really respecting him
[22:12:32] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: i'm terrified of sebastian . . . and you know how much i adore him
[22:12:59] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he's smarter than me
[22:13:07] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he could seriously injure me if he wanted to
[22:13:29] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he's not a pet, he's a person who has to live in a cage
I'm tired of having so many problems that I can't always enjoy how wonderful some aspects of my life are. I'm tired of hating myself for this and feeling as though I don't deserve these things because I sometimes doubt in them and I can't always feel as happy as I should be. I wish that I didn't feel so completely worthless and pathetic every time I can't just function like I feel a person should. If you're strong enough then you should be able to accept your weaknesses, and it makes me realize how much further I have to go.
I'm tired of thinking that people will just leave me because I'm fucked up in some ways. I wouldn't do that to someone else. They shouldn't do it to me. Yes, people have before, and that broke me in ways that I still don't fully understand. But this does not fucking mean that everyone else will, and I refuse to believe that I am the only honest and accepting person in the entire world.
Usually writing helps me like few other things can, but this is just making me even more agitated so I am going to stop.
Interesting parrot conversation (Edited due to the fact that I didn't ask the person I was talking to if it was okay to post this. I took out everything they said and any identifying details.):
[22:12:04] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: of course you should be scared
[22:12:14] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: in a way i think that if you're not you're not really respecting him
[22:12:32] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: i'm terrified of sebastian . . . and you know how much i adore him
[22:12:59] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he's smarter than me
[22:13:07] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he could seriously injure me if he wanted to
[22:13:29] The few words I say mean nothing at all.: he's not a pet, he's a person who has to live in a cage