This post just needed to write itself and to be read.
I feel like my heart is being pulled in several different directions right now, and none of them coincide. I'm also pretty fucking depressed, for a number of very legitimate reasons. I do not feel like discussing any of these reasons here. This doesn't feel like a safe community for me anymore. I'm sure I will always keep this journal and will post at least sporadically, and I do usually keep up with my friends page, but it's just not the same as it was a few years ago.
I have a lot to think about and a lot to recover from, but I feel strangely hopeful and focused. This can't be a bad thing.
I'm just tired of losing what I care the most about. Caring leaves one open to terrible pain in a way that nothing else can, but still I continue to do so. I'm tired of the things that could have been but aren't, I'm tired of the mistakes I can't take back, I'm tired of thinking every day of how I can change things that are already finished and can no longer be altered in any way. I'm tired of the fact that every time I lose what I love it rips another piece out of me, and this huge black hungry ache in me grows even bigger. All I want to do is fill that void, and everything I do sometimes is really just me desperately trying to consume more and more so it will stop fucking hurting. And whenever something comes close to filling that void I push it away from me, as its very proximity reminds me of how much I will be risking, how much it will hurt when that leaves me too. I'm ruining the few good things I have in my life because I am a coward who is afraid to love. I'm holding myself back because I am afraid of trying and suddenly realizing that I'm really not as good as I always thought I could be, as everyone else seems to think I am. I am a fake because so many people believe in me even though I seldom give them reason to do so. I don't deserve their faith. I don't even always want it. Maybe I'm not something extraordinary, and maybe they've been building me up with lies all of my life so all I can do is fall. I don't understand why anyone cares about me, and I am always waiting for those who are close to me to finally wake up and realize that I am no one they want to be around. I can see how I could be initially interesting, but in the long run, once you get past the surface? I pretend to be a good, intelligent, and capable person because I can't handle what I really am underneath. And when people leave me I always know why, whatever other reason I feel I need to placate myself with.
I never used to allow myself to feel things, and I have spent years now learning things about emotions that every five-year-old generally knows. I still don't always know if I want them. I don't want a part of me to die every time someone I love dies. I don't want to get so attached to someone that they can hurt me. I don't want to care what anyone thinks or feels about me. I don't want to feel compelled to help people or comfort them. I don't want to have expectations. I don't want to trust and have that trust be broken. I don't want to try to fix things, I just want to give up on them for once. I just want to take care of myself.
And in my dreams I just keep seeing things that happened over and over again or trying to invent new ways to go back and change them, to pretend that they didn't really happen or that I have some small amount of control over this infinitely powerful and cruel universe. You shouldn't have to go through your life and never ever be able to change that one little thing. Sometimes you make one mistake because you are young and stupid and trusting and you think you have found the one thing that will finally fill up that void inside of you, and you lose the person who is most important to you forever. Sometimes you make one seemingly unimportant choice and someone dies and you can never stop asking yourself whether you could have saved them if you had done things differently. People go insane over things like this. Sometimes these mistakes make sense later on, and you would never have lived your life as nobly without them, never seen the things that were best for you and for others. Sometimes it's just pointless and unspeakably terrible and it haunts you for the rest of your life and drives your happiness away from you. Sometimes life actually throws something wonderful at you, but you are too broken by this point to accept it. So you pick it apart and infest it with your own sorrow until it dies like everything else you have ever cared about. It makes sense. It's consistent. The world is much more logical without the potential for joy.
I'm so fucking tired. I just want to rest for a little while and feel good about things, but it seems that the more I want that the less capable I am of doing it.
If you are one of the few people who knows the specifics of anything in this post then I would greatly appreciate it if you would not discuss those specifics here. Please feel free to discuss them here in obtuse terms or to email, call, send me a letter, or just drop by sometime and talk to me about them. My privacy is a precious thing to me recently.
I should also mention while I'm here that I've removed a few journals from my friends list. Sometimes people just don't hit it off or things fizzle out, and I do remove people occasionally.
I have a lot to think about and a lot to recover from, but I feel strangely hopeful and focused. This can't be a bad thing.
I'm just tired of losing what I care the most about. Caring leaves one open to terrible pain in a way that nothing else can, but still I continue to do so. I'm tired of the things that could have been but aren't, I'm tired of the mistakes I can't take back, I'm tired of thinking every day of how I can change things that are already finished and can no longer be altered in any way. I'm tired of the fact that every time I lose what I love it rips another piece out of me, and this huge black hungry ache in me grows even bigger. All I want to do is fill that void, and everything I do sometimes is really just me desperately trying to consume more and more so it will stop fucking hurting. And whenever something comes close to filling that void I push it away from me, as its very proximity reminds me of how much I will be risking, how much it will hurt when that leaves me too. I'm ruining the few good things I have in my life because I am a coward who is afraid to love. I'm holding myself back because I am afraid of trying and suddenly realizing that I'm really not as good as I always thought I could be, as everyone else seems to think I am. I am a fake because so many people believe in me even though I seldom give them reason to do so. I don't deserve their faith. I don't even always want it. Maybe I'm not something extraordinary, and maybe they've been building me up with lies all of my life so all I can do is fall. I don't understand why anyone cares about me, and I am always waiting for those who are close to me to finally wake up and realize that I am no one they want to be around. I can see how I could be initially interesting, but in the long run, once you get past the surface? I pretend to be a good, intelligent, and capable person because I can't handle what I really am underneath. And when people leave me I always know why, whatever other reason I feel I need to placate myself with.
I never used to allow myself to feel things, and I have spent years now learning things about emotions that every five-year-old generally knows. I still don't always know if I want them. I don't want a part of me to die every time someone I love dies. I don't want to get so attached to someone that they can hurt me. I don't want to care what anyone thinks or feels about me. I don't want to feel compelled to help people or comfort them. I don't want to have expectations. I don't want to trust and have that trust be broken. I don't want to try to fix things, I just want to give up on them for once. I just want to take care of myself.
And in my dreams I just keep seeing things that happened over and over again or trying to invent new ways to go back and change them, to pretend that they didn't really happen or that I have some small amount of control over this infinitely powerful and cruel universe. You shouldn't have to go through your life and never ever be able to change that one little thing. Sometimes you make one mistake because you are young and stupid and trusting and you think you have found the one thing that will finally fill up that void inside of you, and you lose the person who is most important to you forever. Sometimes you make one seemingly unimportant choice and someone dies and you can never stop asking yourself whether you could have saved them if you had done things differently. People go insane over things like this. Sometimes these mistakes make sense later on, and you would never have lived your life as nobly without them, never seen the things that were best for you and for others. Sometimes it's just pointless and unspeakably terrible and it haunts you for the rest of your life and drives your happiness away from you. Sometimes life actually throws something wonderful at you, but you are too broken by this point to accept it. So you pick it apart and infest it with your own sorrow until it dies like everything else you have ever cared about. It makes sense. It's consistent. The world is much more logical without the potential for joy.
I'm so fucking tired. I just want to rest for a little while and feel good about things, but it seems that the more I want that the less capable I am of doing it.
If you are one of the few people who knows the specifics of anything in this post then I would greatly appreciate it if you would not discuss those specifics here. Please feel free to discuss them here in obtuse terms or to email, call, send me a letter, or just drop by sometime and talk to me about them. My privacy is a precious thing to me recently.
I should also mention while I'm here that I've removed a few journals from my friends list. Sometimes people just don't hit it off or things fizzle out, and I do remove people occasionally.