first aid seminar, writing, sebastian
Holly and I went to the Mickaboo Avian First Aid Seminar today. I'm glad I went and I did learn a few things, but overall I was kind of disappointed in it. I was hoping to learn what to do for a bird in an emergency situation before I could get them to a vet (which is basically what first aid is, unless I'm mistaken), but it focused a lot more on all of the diseases and problems that your bird can have. I already worry nonstop about these things. It's the whole obsessive thing, coupled with the fact that my mother is a serious hypochondriac and so I learned from her to freak out even more about this shit than I would have anyway. I seriously considered leaving in the middle of the seminar because I was starting to panic and vividly imagining Sebastian and the budgies dying in all sorts of graphic and horrible ways. For some reason I never worry too much about Tara. It's not because we're not close or anything like that, she just doesn't illicit worry. Maybe that's why she's not into me. Hahaha. Anyway. I didn't get up and leave because it wasn't quite bad enough and I really don't like to allow my problems to dictate my life to me. They did cover some first aid material, but I knew almost all of it anyway. I learned a few new things about identifying a sick bird. I really felt that the should have covered these areas more extensively, as there is a LOT I do not know and that I was hoping to learn here. But oh well.
The other thing that bothered me was that they did examples of how to insert a tube for feeding on two birds. I do understand that this was a great example for people who need to learn how to do it, and I know that a lot of people would feel that I shouldn't be bothered by this. Probably even some people I'm close to. But I don't think it's right to stick a tube down the throat of a healthy bird who does not need a tube feeding while a whole bunch of people gather around and prod at them. Would anyone do that to a human without their permission? It's an extremely painful and frightening procedure. That's some of the most delicate tissue on your body. And when someone asked early on how it felt to a bird to be tube-fed, he fielded the question by saying things like, "They avoid it..." instead of outright saying that it obviously hurts a fucking lot. It's the whole scientific standpoint on non-human emotions and sensations. They'd rather say that they go through the motions of feeling something than that they do feel it.
I hate that I felt stupid for feeling this way. I know that so many people would tell me that I was overreacting and that it was no big deal, and that makes me doubt my own convictions. A lot of the time when I state my opinions or ask questions people do end up reacting as though I am a complete moron. Often these are people who I do respect and who generally seem to respect my opinions, but that shouldn't matter. I shouldn't give a shit if they react like this. I wouldn't react that way to them even if I did think they were being an idiot.
I really need to stop letting what other people think of me affect me so much. Any tips? And if you tell me to "grow a thicker skin" or "stop being so nuts" then I swear I'll fucking cut you.
I don't know if I'm going to finish my cannery paper on time to submit it to the essay contest. I've decided to just accept this and stop hating myself for it. I fucked up. I know that. But I can't go back and change it now, so I just need to deal with what I can do. Which is work as hard as possible now and try to get it done on time. And if not at least I'll have it in time for the event next month. I did try to work on it, but I have this serious block with writing. It wasn't that I wouldn't work on it, I literally couldn't. My subconscious has this brick wall up. I think it's the biggest block I have, which is probably because writing is so important to me. It's the most important thing to me after the people I care about. It's the only one of my many skills that I actually have real confidence in, and it's what I want to do with my life. I'm just terrified of rejection. What if I finally try and then the only thing I think I'm good at ends up not being good enough?
One section of the seminar today made me think of Sebastian and how amazing he is. He was talking about how greys who were raised in a typical breeder situation tend to have particular problems dealing with, recovering from, or adjusting to anything. They can't seem to get over this. But Sebastian has to such a large extent. He's doing so well, and he's making continual progress. It's not that we're taking good care of him and giving him the love he needs. It's him that is making the difference. We're providing him with a situation where he can change, but it's his choice to do it. He's taken so many steps that other greys in his situation never will, and that's part of why I love and admire him so much.
I really need to spend a lot of time with him tomorrow. I've been gone basically all weekend and he needs attention even more than normal right now. Plus I miss him.
I also really need to get some sleep.
The other thing that bothered me was that they did examples of how to insert a tube for feeding on two birds. I do understand that this was a great example for people who need to learn how to do it, and I know that a lot of people would feel that I shouldn't be bothered by this. Probably even some people I'm close to. But I don't think it's right to stick a tube down the throat of a healthy bird who does not need a tube feeding while a whole bunch of people gather around and prod at them. Would anyone do that to a human without their permission? It's an extremely painful and frightening procedure. That's some of the most delicate tissue on your body. And when someone asked early on how it felt to a bird to be tube-fed, he fielded the question by saying things like, "They avoid it..." instead of outright saying that it obviously hurts a fucking lot. It's the whole scientific standpoint on non-human emotions and sensations. They'd rather say that they go through the motions of feeling something than that they do feel it.
I hate that I felt stupid for feeling this way. I know that so many people would tell me that I was overreacting and that it was no big deal, and that makes me doubt my own convictions. A lot of the time when I state my opinions or ask questions people do end up reacting as though I am a complete moron. Often these are people who I do respect and who generally seem to respect my opinions, but that shouldn't matter. I shouldn't give a shit if they react like this. I wouldn't react that way to them even if I did think they were being an idiot.
I really need to stop letting what other people think of me affect me so much. Any tips? And if you tell me to "grow a thicker skin" or "stop being so nuts" then I swear I'll fucking cut you.
I don't know if I'm going to finish my cannery paper on time to submit it to the essay contest. I've decided to just accept this and stop hating myself for it. I fucked up. I know that. But I can't go back and change it now, so I just need to deal with what I can do. Which is work as hard as possible now and try to get it done on time. And if not at least I'll have it in time for the event next month. I did try to work on it, but I have this serious block with writing. It wasn't that I wouldn't work on it, I literally couldn't. My subconscious has this brick wall up. I think it's the biggest block I have, which is probably because writing is so important to me. It's the most important thing to me after the people I care about. It's the only one of my many skills that I actually have real confidence in, and it's what I want to do with my life. I'm just terrified of rejection. What if I finally try and then the only thing I think I'm good at ends up not being good enough?
One section of the seminar today made me think of Sebastian and how amazing he is. He was talking about how greys who were raised in a typical breeder situation tend to have particular problems dealing with, recovering from, or adjusting to anything. They can't seem to get over this. But Sebastian has to such a large extent. He's doing so well, and he's making continual progress. It's not that we're taking good care of him and giving him the love he needs. It's him that is making the difference. We're providing him with a situation where he can change, but it's his choice to do it. He's taken so many steps that other greys in his situation never will, and that's part of why I love and admire him so much.
I really need to spend a lot of time with him tomorrow. I've been gone basically all weekend and he needs attention even more than normal right now. Plus I miss him.
I also really need to get some sleep.