(no subject)
I hate America. I want to get the hell out of here.
But I'm kind of conflicted on that topic and don't really want to explore it right now.
Holly's birthday went pretty well. Aside from dinner, which was stressful in some ways. She liked her presents and later told me that she had been worried she wouldn't like them. Thanks for having so much faith in our presenting abilities, Holly!
I've been really happy most of the time recently except for when I'm with Mike. I am so afraid that he's going to leave me that I have hardly been able to enjoy my time with him. I know this is a terrible and stupid way to be but I just can't stop feeling like this. Everyone I have ever cared about has turned on me somehow, and I mean EVERYONE. Even people like Holly who I was lucky enough to work things out with and have a stronger relationship with for it. People have gone insane, lied to me, and left me. I have found out after the fact that they never felt the way about me that they said they did. They have used me and manipulated me and hurt me over and over again. I can't trust anyone. I did trust one person once for some bizarre miraculous reason but then he left me too. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to love someone like this. I don't know how to believe that I won't wake up tomorrow and this whole thing will be over, I don't want to look back on today as a memory because it's over. I don't want it to be like this never happened.
I feel like for the first time in my life there is actually some chance of me being able to handle being in a functional relationship. But I also see how far I have to go, and how fucking difficult it is. I don't want to drive him away just because I can't handle my feelings for him, but I feel myself going in that direction. If I make him break up with me then there is at least some sense of control. And the more I trust him and the longer I wait and the more I believe in this the more it will hurt when it does happen. So if I'm certain that it's going to happen doesn't it make more sense to just make things end now?
This relationship is really good. I'm happy with him. We do argue (which I hate), we do have issues (which I am more accepting of but of course still hate), but we are working on both of these things and they are gradually getting better. This is a wonderful thing. Most people's problems never get worked out, they run in the same tired circles over and over and over again, never even seeing that it's happening. We see what's happening and we are working on it.
I just want to feel safe. You can't feel safe. Even people who get married, have kids, and stay together for 20 years are ending their relationships right and left. I want to know that his feelings for me won't just gradually fade away, but I can't know that. No matter how strongly he thinks he feels that could just disappear tomorrow. The same thing could happen to me for that matter, and I worry about this too. I worry about me throwing this relationship away just as much as I worry about him doing it. I've seen people's feelings just disappear. He doesn't give me false assurances. If he did I would trust him even less. I don't believe that shit anymore. He can't say always because neither of us knows what always means, or what we will be in the future.
There are times when I can feel safe and secure and happy with him, but this is very difficult for me. I can't feel safe if I know that the future is always uncertain, I can't feel secure when I know that there is no such thing as security, and I can't feel happy if I know that there is a good chance of feeling worse than I have ever felt before lurking just around the corner. My OC-ness makes things very very bad for me in this respect. I can't enjoy anything. Literally EVERY SINGLE TIME I am with Maxis, for example, I remember that he is probably going to die before me and I think of how horrible his loss wil be.
I'm fucked up. I have mental disorders (manageable mental disorders, luckily, but still mental disorders) and I have had a very, very, very, difficult life wherein many terrible and scarring things have happened to me. I hope I can learn to deal with this relationship before I end up ruining it.
I'm not good with emotions or weakness or vulnerability. I feel so immensely vulnerable when I am with him. I'm not sure how to deal with being that way. I like to have control over myself and my life. I don't like him to hold my heart in his hands. I don't want to feel like I need someone else to take care of me or reassure me. I don't want to care if he leaves.
So I leave you with this question: Should I go see the fireworks with my family today, or should I stay home? I do like fireworks but I don't like big crowds or waiting around in the midst of said big crowds for hours and I strongly dislike participating in anything which could possibly be seen as patriotic.
To go, or not to go: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous giant crowds,
Or to take arms against a sea of fireworks,
And by opposing end them? To go: to view;
No more; and by a viewing of fireworks to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That staying at home is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To go, to see the fireworks;
To watch them: perchance to see them being set off: ay, there's the rub;
For in that watching of aforementioned fireworks what fireworks may I see
When we have shuffled off this night of staying at home,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so much time to myself;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of aloneness,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised crowds, the law's delay,
The insolence of patriotism and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary few hours at home,
But that the dread of fireworks,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair explosions! Fireworks, in thy orisons
Be all my prior viewings be remember'd.
But I'm kind of conflicted on that topic and don't really want to explore it right now.
Holly's birthday went pretty well. Aside from dinner, which was stressful in some ways. She liked her presents and later told me that she had been worried she wouldn't like them. Thanks for having so much faith in our presenting abilities, Holly!
I've been really happy most of the time recently except for when I'm with Mike. I am so afraid that he's going to leave me that I have hardly been able to enjoy my time with him. I know this is a terrible and stupid way to be but I just can't stop feeling like this. Everyone I have ever cared about has turned on me somehow, and I mean EVERYONE. Even people like Holly who I was lucky enough to work things out with and have a stronger relationship with for it. People have gone insane, lied to me, and left me. I have found out after the fact that they never felt the way about me that they said they did. They have used me and manipulated me and hurt me over and over again. I can't trust anyone. I did trust one person once for some bizarre miraculous reason but then he left me too. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to love someone like this. I don't know how to believe that I won't wake up tomorrow and this whole thing will be over, I don't want to look back on today as a memory because it's over. I don't want it to be like this never happened.
I feel like for the first time in my life there is actually some chance of me being able to handle being in a functional relationship. But I also see how far I have to go, and how fucking difficult it is. I don't want to drive him away just because I can't handle my feelings for him, but I feel myself going in that direction. If I make him break up with me then there is at least some sense of control. And the more I trust him and the longer I wait and the more I believe in this the more it will hurt when it does happen. So if I'm certain that it's going to happen doesn't it make more sense to just make things end now?
This relationship is really good. I'm happy with him. We do argue (which I hate), we do have issues (which I am more accepting of but of course still hate), but we are working on both of these things and they are gradually getting better. This is a wonderful thing. Most people's problems never get worked out, they run in the same tired circles over and over and over again, never even seeing that it's happening. We see what's happening and we are working on it.
I just want to feel safe. You can't feel safe. Even people who get married, have kids, and stay together for 20 years are ending their relationships right and left. I want to know that his feelings for me won't just gradually fade away, but I can't know that. No matter how strongly he thinks he feels that could just disappear tomorrow. The same thing could happen to me for that matter, and I worry about this too. I worry about me throwing this relationship away just as much as I worry about him doing it. I've seen people's feelings just disappear. He doesn't give me false assurances. If he did I would trust him even less. I don't believe that shit anymore. He can't say always because neither of us knows what always means, or what we will be in the future.
There are times when I can feel safe and secure and happy with him, but this is very difficult for me. I can't feel safe if I know that the future is always uncertain, I can't feel secure when I know that there is no such thing as security, and I can't feel happy if I know that there is a good chance of feeling worse than I have ever felt before lurking just around the corner. My OC-ness makes things very very bad for me in this respect. I can't enjoy anything. Literally EVERY SINGLE TIME I am with Maxis, for example, I remember that he is probably going to die before me and I think of how horrible his loss wil be.
I'm fucked up. I have mental disorders (manageable mental disorders, luckily, but still mental disorders) and I have had a very, very, very, difficult life wherein many terrible and scarring things have happened to me. I hope I can learn to deal with this relationship before I end up ruining it.
I'm not good with emotions or weakness or vulnerability. I feel so immensely vulnerable when I am with him. I'm not sure how to deal with being that way. I like to have control over myself and my life. I don't like him to hold my heart in his hands. I don't want to feel like I need someone else to take care of me or reassure me. I don't want to care if he leaves.
So I leave you with this question: Should I go see the fireworks with my family today, or should I stay home? I do like fireworks but I don't like big crowds or waiting around in the midst of said big crowds for hours and I strongly dislike participating in anything which could possibly be seen as patriotic.
To go, or not to go: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous giant crowds,
Or to take arms against a sea of fireworks,
And by opposing end them? To go: to view;
No more; and by a viewing of fireworks to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That staying at home is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To go, to see the fireworks;
To watch them: perchance to see them being set off: ay, there's the rub;
For in that watching of aforementioned fireworks what fireworks may I see
When we have shuffled off this night of staying at home,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so much time to myself;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of aloneness,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised crowds, the law's delay,
The insolence of patriotism and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary few hours at home,
But that the dread of fireworks,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair explosions! Fireworks, in thy orisons
Be all my prior viewings be remember'd.