Insomnia, stress, etc.
I've been having some serious insomnia. A few days ago I stayed up until 5:40 something. I may be remembering things incorrectly, but I think the sky was starting to light up before I ever got to sleep (so I may have stayed up even later). The past few days I've been up til around 4:30 ish. I've been waking up a 9:00 am but I would keep falling ( Read more... )
a:) You may not love it like some but it's a lot of fun.
b:) You're in SoCal so it's not like there's not a ton of really high paying crap if you can get good at rigging/lighting/etc, given your unique location, if that may interest you. It's a small hop from theatre to studio. I know this personally.
c:) The entertainment industry is so full of people from all walks of life that it makes an interesting place to hide out for a few years if you're not sure what you want to 'do' for your life.
d:) You may live with your mother however, you're close to the age where you can strike out on your own, should you wish. Get the theatre job and I *guarantee* you that you can find a couple of roomies out of the crew that you know where they get paid. It's also an interesting lifestyle. Been there, as I said. Please note: I'm not promising immediately, it may take a few months for the normal roommie shuffle to do it's thing.
e:) Money now > No money now
Please use these as talking points with your mother with my blessing, should you wish.
Your options are only as limited as you allow them to be. I can say with the wisdom of age that when I was around your age, I felt that everything was grey. I was like you in a lot of ways. Interesting thing is, everything is grey but there are lighter and darker ways to look at everything. 50% grey is half dark, half light. It all depends on that damn glass of milk.
The other thing is that the above commenter on the other thread is correct. You really do make the decision on whether to be afraid of the insecurity in this world: "I'll be homeless if I don't do 'X'" or to look at it from another point of view: "If I try my best, I'll figure out something because I'm cool enough to be able to do so." Sadly, the last part of the second thought is the trick: you have to be able to know, trust, and like yourself enough to be able to have that kind of confidence.
You've already made a huge stride. You admitted to yourself who you really are. That's bigger than most folks can do without serious therapy. Now you have to look at where you are, where you want to be, and keep on taking those steps towards what you want. Nothing huge, just a little bit at a time.
You've got an opportunity with the theatre: take it. Tell your mother that you'll do your best there and try to get what you can out of the experience and that you'll keep looking for a better job in your down-time. If she says that she doesn't believe you, tell her that she may be right but that you'll just have to ask her to trust you and ask her to tell you when she thinks that you're being foolish.
You may look at it like this: you're already taking a step that she's uncomfortable with. That's an interesting way of establishing your independence. Don't let your growth hang up because you're afraid though. You can do literally anything you want at this stage in your life if you just trust yourself.
To the other things that you've said, your life has changed, you'll have to adapt to it at whatever pace you wish however, saying that you're stuck means that you've got something to lose. If you do, fine. If you really don't have anything except the bonds of your family, which can typically be repaired after an extended absence, why not make your own way totally. Not saying you run off, just saying that you're almost an adult and you can do what you please as soon as the clock chimes '18'. For the remaining duration, tough it out. Life isn't easy, but you'll survive. Ranting hard about the advise that people give ya when you rant in the first place is kinda like slapping the hand which holds what you asked for. It's a thing that people do when they're afraid all the time. Again, I believe that I understand.
As always, nothing but love here. You're still great in all the ways that you are. You just seem determined to continue asking for honest feedback with long posts, thus, I will continue to reply. If you are ranting just to rant and would not like such, please say so and I'll cease nagging you.
-Victoria
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The short if it is that you need to know that you're worth something. I'm here to tell you that 19 is young enough to still be a kid (which you are) but old enough to do anything you want (which you can). Try something new that you've always wanted to. Don't worry about the things that cost money. Do a craft, a hobby, something that you have always said 'Hey, that looks neat!' Self-realization is accomplished by PUSHING the hell out of yourself. No pain, no gain, as they say.
But here's the rub: negativity is a habit. All habits are simply that, habits. Do something different for 21 days and the habit will be broken. Do not wait 'till you're my age to figure this out. The extra 11 years is really quite worth the effort now. Try... just TRY to MAKE yourself look at things from the positive side... every time. You can look at the negative. Hell, do that first but, after that, try repositioning the situation in your head to a happy place. You can do this for personal situations that you find yourself in or social interactions when you have people say things to you that may be untoward. Look at the other side and you'll likely find that there are happier things that you can try and that the words you heard may have a different meaning to the person than to you, (if not, still ignore them.)
Finally, self-confidence is a day-to-day thing. Once you've found depression, you can always go back easily and you have to fight every day not to. The trick is to not beat yourself up. You're not perfect. Matter of fact, you, like the rest of us, likely suck in many ways. Nicely enough, we all suck so don't hold it against yourself. Get up, try again, get better.
"Well, you know how they say you get to Carnegie Hall don'tcha? Practice." - Raines (Inglorious Bastards)
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