Insomnia, stress, etc.
I've been having some serious insomnia. A few days ago I stayed up until 5:40 something. I may be remembering things incorrectly, but I think the sky was starting to light up before I ever got to sleep (so I may have stayed up even later). The past few days I've been up til around 4:30 ish. I've been waking up a 9:00 am but I would keep falling back asleep for no more than an hour at a time.
I can't really say what's causing it... I'm not terribly anxious about anything except getting a job. Usually one thing isn't enough to stress me out this much but maybe this is a big thing. I guess maybe I'm also a little anxious about the future of my transition. If I can't get a job, get a car, get back in school and get a better job... my surgery will be even less likely. Even worse, I'm on a real time limit here. My ideal surgeon could retire at any moment. He's not like, super old or anything, but some surgeons retire early. He's been doing these surgeries for a while. So I guess that might be stressing me out too.
So people on the internet, who have no idea what they're talking about, keep telling me, "STOP WHINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." They're stupid, because I am doing something about it. It's a slow process, waiting on employers in this economy. I'm applying to new places. And don't think I'm just sitting on my applications, either. I'm calling them checking for openings, too. Granted, I am limiting my employment to local areas. I don't have a car so I can really only work a places I can get to on foot or by bus. Some people would say that's my big mistake. Well, need need to shut up, because I'm being realistic here. I'm not going to get a job that's 40 miles away from where I live, it's not happening.
My friend told me about a job opening at the place she works, and I told my mom about it, and my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll get "attached" to this job and refuse to take another job. I guess she thinks that because I'd get a chance to work at a theater. What she doesn't get is that there is nothing for me to get attached to. I'd be working with set pieces and props and other theater grunt work. It wouldn't be exactly glamorous. Because my mom thinks the income is too low and that I'll be reluctant to find a second job if I got this one, my one good opportunity is not an option. And before anyone says anything like, "You shouldn't use your mom as excuses" etc, I live with her and if I don't do everything she says I could end up homeless. So it's not really an excuse.
I think it's really stupid that people think because I'm not succeeding that I'm full of excuses. That's dumb. It's not black and white. It's not either you're successful or you're full of excuses. There's an in between, and that's where I am right now. I'm in that gray area that says, I'm trying but not yet succeeding. Maybe I could be doing better, and I'll work on that. But I'm not doing NOTHING. Everyone I talk to on the internet about this is under the impression that I am doing NOTHING to change my situation. They keep telling me, "If you want to be a man, man up and prove yourself," etc etc. And then they call ME transphobic. Ha.
Anyway... Guess I turned a little blog into another rant.
So a few people suggested, "Don't work for corporations, do yard work or babysitting." Okay, first of all, I live in Southern California AKA Mexico 2.0. We have a crap load of immigrants here, hundreds of them stand outside by the grocery stores everyday to get picked up to do someone's yard work. That market isn't very open, ever. As for babysitting, a family likes to know and trust their babysitter. I know ONE person with a young kid, and her young kid is less than a month old. She lives 500 miles away from where I live, and she's still breastfeeding and on the kid 24/7. In addition. I have had MANY people tell me that they don't trust boys babysitting, for various reasons. So I'd first off have to eat any pride I have and present as a girl even though I identify as male. That's something I'll probably have to deal with anyway. Thing is, I can't fool people anymore. My voice has changed enough that if I present as female, it becomes obvious that I'm transsexual, and I'm actually commonly mistaken for MTF now.
So again. People who dislike me read this and say I'm full of excuses. I think they need a little English lesson. An excuse vs. a reason:
http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/archive/index.php/t-70449.html
What is the difference between a valid reason and an excuse?
One way to look at it:
A reason is an explanation. An excuse makes it sound like it was okay.
Another way:
An excuse is a reason justified by dishonesty.
Excuses are a justification for giving up or giving in. You didn't explore all your options, or ignored or denied your options, you didn't plan ahead, you didn't ask for help, you didn't accept help offered. Excuses are reasons that rely on you being dishonest with others and yourself.
The ability to make an excuse relies on choice.
A valid reason restricts your choices.
So people say I haven't looked at all my options, and I've given up, and therefore making excuses. WRONG. I am continually finding new options. There is no way for me to instantaneously know every option I have. My search looks something like this: I have several options. I try them. At that point, I have run out of options, so I FIND MORE OPTIONS. That place where I run out of options, before I find more options, is a slight pause. It isn't a dead end, it isn't me giving up on life. Right now, I'm between breaths. I am within that pause. I am looking for more options.
A lot of people supposedly give me options, and then say I'm making up excuses when I don't try them. Thing is, their options are almost always very specific. Often, those very specific options do not fit into my current situation. They say I should change the situation. Although it is PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE for me to change my situation, it wouldn't be very smart. The number one piece of advice I get is to move out of my mom's house. Here's the thing: It's stay with my mom or end up homeless in Little Tijuana. In Northern California, being homeless might have been an option. Here, you can guarantee I would get mugged and/or raped. And no, it's not racist. I live in a pretty dangerous area to be homeless and it has nothing to do with Mexicans. It has everything to do with the fact we're low on cops and high on criminals.
They say I don't have to be homeless. First they suggest couch surfing. I've already asked around. No one is willing to let me couch surf. Their reasons usually are because I'm a guy or because I'm transsexual (they don't say those words, but they say something like, "it's your lifestyle" or "you've changed"). I had places to couch surf in Northern California, and it might have been smarter to choose that option. I'd probably have a job right now if I decided to stay up there. I won't make up excuses, I think it's very possible that I may have made a mistake coming down here. Because now I'm stuck.
Again, I am not giving up or making up excuses. I am stuck, I said, but I never implied that's permanent. I'm temporarily stuck until conditions change. It could be the weather. The economy. Or even my own attitude. Who knows what thing might change that will make this easier. People say I shouldn't sit around and wait for change, that I should change things myself. Well, I'm doing what I can. I can't make the economy better and I can't make people hire me. I can only try these things. I get really irritated when people make it sound like, "IF YOU BELIEVE, ANYTHING CAN COME TRUE AND YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN." Bullshit. That's complete and utter bullshit, and they know it.
Or maybe they don't. Some of these people have easy lives, and credit themselves for it, not realizing that they've just been really, really lucky. Also, they might have advantages that I don't have. For instance, a vast majority of the population has physical advantages over me. I'm small and short, and not particularly attractive. At the moment I am very androgynous. It's hard to pass off as a girl or as a guy my age. Is this an excuse? No, it's a factor involved in my situation. It's not explaining anything. It's merely a piece of the puzzle. And if I ignore this piece, or any other piece, my chances of succeeding are less. Acknowledging your challenges isn't making up excuses.
I thought ranting and raving would make me tired but it didn't work (yep, that was the point of this post). God damn it.